Depression relapsed

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I grew up in a broken family when my dad was murdered when I was young and my mum was not educated, she struggled to make ends meet to bring me up. I had a nice extended family who helped to bring me up, but things turned when my cousin became addicted with gambling and loansharks will turn up at our house every week. It was a traumatising period growing up. I hated the house and environment I lived in, I wanted escape but I could not as I was not yet working. I finally got married and thought it was my chance to escape the toxic family relationship and life is so brutal, my mum was struck with multiple diseases including kidney failure and my life crumbled because everything fell on my lap to take care of her. I did not want to, I hated that I was born into such an environment and never had the chance to experience growing up normally. I often questioned why am I born for. Am I here to pay for my sins? If life has to be this hard and cruel, then why I am here.

My mum had to be frequently admitted to the hospital, I was in my late 20s when I should be working on building my career but all my plans went down the drain. the efforts and time needed to care for her overwhelmed me and I fell into deep depression. I was immobile for a week, not able to care for myself and I wanted to die. I was too ashamed to return to work and had to quit because I was unable to focus on doing anything. I had a sole contributor role at work and I was unable to perform to my best anymore because of my depression. Every evil memory of how hard life was from young came flooding over me. My mum has since passed on, yet I felt tremendous guilt about not being a better daughter despite my hate and anger. I suppress every hurt inside me, I still don’t know how to process my deeply buried emotions, my anger, my shame, how unjustified I feel at how cruel life had been towards me.

As I managed to recover from depression, I had the opportunity to start working at a social enterprise. I thought it’s finally a chance for me to work in a nice, supportive environment as I return to society but no, there were tons of bullying and politics happening at this place. I did my best but yet I was asked to leave because they were in financial troubles and the boss is really strange. I suspect he’s also a mental health sufferer but I cannot understand why he did what he did. My colleagues could not believe why he threw me out. This incident unfortunately threw me out of my depth and hurt me so much. Until today, I still could not recover from it. I questioned why did I have to be treated this way. I had the opportunity to join another SME, but the manager I worked with was a super micro manager who needed assurance on every piece of work and was constantly monitoring me. this was a job that compressed 2 persons work into one. I did my best to adapt and could catch up to her expectations but my body was unable to cope, I was under immense stress and had to rely on Panadol everyday to suppress my low grade fever and sore throat. Though I really wanted to hold on because I wanted to work but my body was giving out a sign that I needed to stop. These work incidents happened to me this year and I felt they pushed me back to depression again. Here I am, blaming myself, maybe I could have done better, done more and persevered. Now I question every decision I make. I am having a hard time, a really really hard time. Will I ever find supportive employers and bosses again? Will they accept me? Now with intense competition in the job market I am not confident I will be able to find a nice work environment. I am mentally drained because I keep thinking about these things and wonder if my life will ever get better.

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Hi @user9896

When I read your story, I can sense how you were never truly given a place to belong. You grew up without safety or comfort, and the people around you were too busy surviving to show love the way you needed. That kind of beginning makes life feel like a battle from the start, and it’s no wonder you have always been on survival mode.

It sounds like you had to gather every bit of courage to rebuild your life. You believed that maybe destiny could be changed if you worked hard enough, that you could finally live with peace and dignity. But when that hope was taken away again, it must have felt like the world was cruelly unfair. That powerlessness can be so painful, especially when you’ve already come so far.

You were trying to prove that you deserve a chance, that you could make life better. Yet, no one around you seemed able to give you the support and kindness you needed.

I want you to hear this clearly, you are the true definition of resilience.

You kept going despite everything that tried to break you. You embody the mindset of a thriver, and no employer, no failed job, can take that away from you.

The fact that you still care, still question, still hope, means your strength has never left you.

I can understand how defeated you feel now, how doubt seeps in and makes you question your ability and worth. But what you need is not more proof of your strength, it’s support.

There are people and services out there who can walk with you through this next part, job coaches who help you rebuild confidence, resume mentors who guide you for free, counsellors who help you find grounding again. You don’t have to do this alone.

Hold on to this thought: as long as you keep a small bit of faith in yourself, no one can take that away from you. Ask, and you will receive. It might not happen today, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen tomorrow.

If the nights get too heavy, please reach out to Samaritans of Singapore (1-767) or Mindline (1771). These are safe places where you can talk without judgement and just be heard.

For now, it’s okay to rest. You’ve done enough for a lifetime. The next step can come quietly, one moment at a time. Hope to hear from you again.

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its hard, i spend most of my life dealing with a drug addict the steals from the family And each time i was the one to get police to arrest him, and because i him i development anxiety and OCD. i remember the worse is when i need to go back and fore 5 times to make sure my room door is closed before i go out. Which is very irritating for someone who is well verse in mental health.

Have you check Supportgowhere to find schemes that might help you? SupportGoWhere

I noticed a few of them might help you.

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So sorry to hear of what u go through. Life can throw us so many difficulties & challenges. We all are not immune to struggles of life. I too suffer from suicidal ideation thoughts that afflict me all too often. I didn’t really accomplish much now that I’m 53 yrs old. Affected by much depression and thoughts of killing myself. I Call out to God who is my help. Wonder if u know the Christian faith? God created the first human beings Adam and Eve who both listened to the devil in form of serpent and went against Him to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. So they sinned against God and became fearful of God. God then removed them from the garden and stopped them with swords that stop them from entering the garden again. From then on, sin is in every human being and we all are rebels against God in our hearts or just indifferent to Him. God then sent Jesus to die for our sins on the cross and thru believing and trusting Him as our saviour, our sins are forgiven and have eternal life. Hope u don’t mind me sharing so much of the Christian faith but hope that u can know Jesus as ur saviour and lord. Then u will have peace and joy in Him and have His resources to deal with life on this fallen earth.

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Yes I am a believer. But the series of incidents happening in reality is shaking my faith that God is a good God. Many Christians look good on the outside but we are dying. Yet we cannot say we are suffering beyond what is bearable because we will not represent what Christianity is all about. The more I lean in to God’s grace, the stronger the attacks become, I am not sure if you have the same experience. My friends who are non-Christians don’t seem to suffer as much as Christians do. Wonder why would anyone recommend someone to come to Christ. Perhaps church is for those who did horrible things in their life and they need somewhere to repent and become a better person, not so much for the rest of us who are just trying our best to not create trouble for anyone and just want to live a decent life. Perhaps this is why grace may not have much effects in our life because we don’t know what sins have we committed, therefore grace cannot manifest as greatly as someone who has committed great sins. Being a Christian does not mean life will be smooth, this phrase I have heard repeatedly from my Christian friends. Church leaders are not God, they do not know why certain things happen or why some people have harder life than others but all we can do within our control is to pray, looking towards Jesus the author and finisher of our faith. Every night I hypnotise (or the nicer word meditate) myself to sleep, repeating over and over again that I have to rest in God’s love for me. To cling on to the hope that seasons come and go is the only thing anyone can do when there’s nothing to look forward to.

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So glad to hear that u are a believer. Indeed being a believer doesn’t shield us from problems, challenges and struggles. Jesus says that in this world we will have troubles. Cos this is a fallen world and Satan is god of this world and he is a liar and father of lies. I sometimes wonder why God doesn’t take away my painful fears of final abandonment and suicidal ideation. Yet God’s word tells me He understands and He empathies with me cos Jesus was abandoned on the cross to suffer and die a painful, shameful death. He cried “my God, my God, why have u forsaken me?” That form of abandonment is mental and emotional torture/hell. Therefore when we are afflicted by outside circumstances or inner torment, Jesus understands all. He also gives us grace to withstand them and go through them. I won’t offer any trite or patronising comments though cos life is painful for u in many ways. I pray that u will be encouraged to pursue God still and find peace and joy in doing that.

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Thank you for your kindness. I am thankful for a caregroup I attend where ppl are vulnerable enough to share their real, big challenges that ppl will not know just by looking at them and in this way we find comfort that we are all on a journey together, this is what matters to ppl who are going through challenges that they are not alone in the fight of faith, and we pray over each other though we have troubles of our own. If not why would anyone attend caregroup if they just want to come around chit chat and hang out without getting to know each other on a personal level, you can just do this with anyone outside church anytime. But despite this, there will still be ppl who will not share deep, sometimes they have an image to uphold or they are fearful that ppl can go around and gossip, or they are scared that once they say, they have to come to reality with the pain which they are trying to imagine that it’s all just a nightmare, sometimes also pantang. These are all very real things, and I often wonder how they keep things bottled cos I feel like exploding after suppressing my thoughts and emotions for a long time. The healthy way is to let out and process our emotions as it happens. The longer we suppress the unhealthier we become. I heard ppl ask why did Covid happen, ever since covid life has gotten much harder and everything has gotten expensive. Now we have AI disruptions, layoffs coming etc creating so much fear, worries and scarcity on a national level. The evil side of me thinks this, ah finally ppl are gonna feel what hardship is. Maybe AI disruption will bring about a good thing, it will force ppl to stop playing god and perhaps humanity will see a reset where ppl will no longer play each other for selfish reasons because the “common enemy” has changed, it’s no longer one another. While we are on a journey we will never know where we are gonna end up. My fears are different, I fear that God doesn’t bring me home soon enough. I always pray that if God is merciful enough, He will either let me see better days or bring me home. Ppl say life is very short but I find mine too long. There was a very dark period in my life a few yrs back where I thought of ending it all, I wrote my goodbye note, replayed how I am going to end my life and every night I prayed that I will never wake up again. But when I open my eyes the next morning I was very disappointed. For ppl who don’t have depression they will not understand, our minds can be really dark. For now, I can only cruise. I am thankful for resources set up for ppl to throw out their thoughts and connect with others. I am grateful for your encouragement though I sound like I have bitter thoughts towards God. I wish you well as you have wished for me. May all in life turn out well.

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Thanks for ur sharing. Pray that God will always give u strength and joy in all of life.

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in your first and second paragraph, you should believe in Karma.

In your third, you should do some exercise to relieve stress or join a religion and pray. blaming yourself is not a solution, it is passive and only actions count. sometimes it is just luck and happiness is a state of mind. instead of remunerating over what could have or should have been, you should do something within your control. life will never get better with you just thinking about it alone. as for your insecure manager, you should tell him to see a dr. understand your entitlements as a worker and make the most out of it. take care.

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Thank you for sharing your story so openly and authentically. You are able to articulate your internal world so well.. Reading it makes me feel less alone in my own journey..

I often grieve about the childhood and family I deserve but never had, recovering from the many negative experiences across my life as well. I’m close to 40 now, and still does not really know what I want to do with my life, and I could feel my joy slipping away as the years go by..

Like you, in my earlier years I was more hopeful and tried to live “normally” by trying again and again, trying my best to adapt in different social settings, in hope to rebuild my life.. working full time was just too triggering for me, I was constantly worrying, anxious, and fearful, and I couldn’t recover fast enough to face the next day.. because of that, I haven’t been able to hold a full time position for too long. I tried 8 times so far, every time I quit because I couldn’t cope, the hopelessness gets bigger.. currently as I’m typing this.. I am still gathering strength and courage so that I can try again..

I draw strength from cultivating self kindness and self-compassion.. through reading books and learning more about my own struggles and pain.. to build a different relationship with myself, hoping that it would be the missing pieces to change the people and place I attract in my life.. I’m still learning, healing, and accepting myself, one gentle moment at a time..

I’ve learn to not push myself too hard and just expose and commit myself bit by bit.. Some days I still feel ashamed of how little capacity I’ve got in just getting through the day compared to others.. cognitively I know I shouldn’t be comparing, I guess we all know logically.. but our heart and body cannot catch up with logic.. So I hear you when you say you just want to live a decent life.. I do think that all humans deserve that, including us.

I wish you all the best.. you’re not alone, and you matter. :people_hugging:

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we liked that your gratitude speech is short and sweet.

III deeply sympathize that you have no life or goals. #YOLO but soon, it’ll be another new year, so its time to rethink what actions can be taken to solve this. its good that you are trying and not giving up on hope. soon, you’ll be in your 60s and retirement will kick in. but of course, if you have enough savings - you can retire earlier and rest in peace.

listening to your thought process also gets me thinking, what more can you help in this society. perhaps volunteering? self meditation helps as well. we can see that you are a very hopeful person.

it all sounds very reflective indeed; you should not push yourself and just hold your peace. logically and sensibly do the right thing, if you still have your morals in check; #respectforlife

good luck. you may donate some blood at the next blood donation drive. remind yourself that if you still feel pain, you are still human =)

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seasons may come and go but memories will stay. even if you don’t believe in christ, there is buddhism and karma. someone who has sinned should be duly punished (if not in this life, but also their next). what goes around, comes around. maybe in your previous life, you had done the same to deserve this faith. we can only pray that you compensate accordingly.

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that is really unfortunate, you weren’t brought up in the right environment. especially when your parents are not educated enough to teach you how to handle. sometimes they say its the upbringing.

it sounds like you are very overwhelmed with responsibilities and should have quit long ago. perhaps if one panadol is not enough then take 2. life is cruel indeed. my uncle of 45, smokes everyday, wears branded sports wear and shoes, says he is often in pain. he then visited a dentist to extract his tooth and put it back saying he has a lot of disposable income. not sure why, he is on driving on four wheels but often chided that he is a handicapped.

anyway, back to your depression; it is good that you have found solace and in a channel to release these emotions. the right environment doesn’t come by easy, sometimes its luck or you have to search for it yourself. thinking about it doesn’t get better either, you have to work on it because nobody will sympathize with your ‘tragedy’.
its best to start planning on your retirement right now, we can see you have low immunity and your old body cannot take the heat. take care and rest well.