In my 50s, much less successful financially than my friends. I guess i should be grateful that my husband earns 5 figures but we manage money poorly so still have no savings, both kids don’t do that well in school but ok still but it sucks to be with friends who are such go getters and their kids seem to be high achievers as well…then my kid tried to kill herself a few months ago and it’s really devastating. Coping with that on one hand but don’t know how to feel less negative about my own life sometimes. Tried to practise gratitude for the things that i still have but sometimes it’s hard especially when my old friends want to hang out every month celebrating this celebrating that…i don’t feel like joining because i feel like such a loser and I don’t want to share my troubles with them cos they seem to be on another planet. I also feel guilty trying to ditch them because I feel like we have not much in common in our current state of lives. Feel depressed over this and really hate whatsapp for continuously updating the messages from the group chat. Have muted the notifications but will still see it because I still use whatsapp a lot. Appreciate any advice
Hi @Anhe,
Thank you for being so open about how you’re feeling—it sounds like you’ve been through an incredibly difficult time, and I can only imagine how overwhelming it must be to cope with everything you’ve shared. First, I want to acknowledge the depth of what you’re dealing with, especially following your child’s suicide attempt. That alone is a heavy emotional burden, and it’s completely understandable that you would be struggling to manage your feelings about your own life and your relationships with friends on top of that.
I really appreciate your openness in sharing how you’ve been feeling, especially when it comes to comparing yourself and your family to your friends. It’s incredibly tough to see people around you seemingly achieve so much, and it’s understandable that it can make you feel like you’re falling short. But I want to invite you to reflect on what success means to you personally.
You mentioned that your husband earns a good income, but because you haven’t been able to manage money well, it feels like you’re not as financially successful as your friends. While it’s important to acknowledge areas where things can improve (like financial planning), I’d like to challenge the idea that this makes your family less successful. The truth is, success isn’t just about finances. You have a family, your husband works hard, and you’ve been navigating incredibly challenging situations, especially with your child. Success is also about how you show up for your family, the love and support you provide, and your resilience in the face of adversity.
By comparing your life to your friends’ financial or material achievements, it’s easy to paint a less-than-ideal picture of what you currently have and enjoy. But ask yourself, is this perception true? Does the fact that others may be doing better financially or have high-achieving kids mean that your family is any less valuable or successful in the ways that matter to you? When we compare ourselves to others, we often focus on the one area where we feel inadequate, and that can blind us to the full picture of our own achievements.
Your family’s journey and struggles are unique, and they don’t diminish your worth or the worth of your loved ones. Success is personal, and it’s important to remember that each person defines it differently. For you, success might look like finding balance, supporting your children through tough times, and working on financial planning—these are all meaningful achievements that deserve recognition, even if they don’t look the same as what your friends are celebrating.
Next time you feel the urge to compare yourself, try shifting the focus back to your family’s unique strengths and what you’ve accomplished together. Maybe it’s the fact that you’ve weathered difficult emotional storms or that you’re working toward better financial habits. These things are just as valuable, even if they aren’t always visible in the same way that financial success or academic achievements are.
Take a moment to reflect: How has comparing yourself to others changed the way you see your family? And more importantly, are those comparisons fair to the effort and love you’ve put into your life?
The pressure of seeing your friends succeed and feeling like you don’t measure up is something a lot of people experience, even though it feels deeply personal when you’re in the middle of it. It’s hard to stay focused on what you have when it feels like those around you are constantly achieving, celebrating, and moving forward. But I want to remind you that everyone’s journey is different, and your friends’ lives aren’t a reflection of your own value or worth. They’re on a different path, and what you’re going through is just as valid—if not more so, given the challenges you’re navigating.
It’s also understandable that you’re finding it hard to practice gratitude right now. Gratitude can be helpful, but when you’re dealing with heavy emotional burdens like your child’s well-being, it’s natural for gratitude to feel insufficient or even hollow at times. What you’re feeling isn’t failure—it’s your mind’s way of processing all the complex emotions you’re carrying. Be gentle with yourself if gratitude doesn’t always come easily.
Here are a few thoughts and steps that might help you navigate through this:
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Take Time to Process and Acknowledge Your Emotions:
What you’re feeling—guilt, grief, frustration—is valid. It’s okay to feel these things, especially in light of what’s happened with your child. If you can, try to allow yourself space to feel these emotions without judgment. Sometimes, it can be helpful to acknowledge that you’re in a tough spot right now, and that it’s okay to not have everything figured out. -
Small Steps Toward Financial Control:
You mentioned that money management has been challenging, and this can add an extra layer of stress, especially when it feels like others around you have everything in order. Instead of comparing yourself, think about small steps you and your husband could take toward improving your financial situation. Sometimes, even small changes—like setting up a basic budget or making a plan to save a little each month—can create a sense of control and help relieve some of the financial pressure. -
Find Support in a Safe Space:
While it’s understandable that you don’t feel comfortable sharing your troubles with your friends, it’s important to have a space where you can talk about what you’re going through. This might be with a therapist, a support group, or even a trusted family member. The weight you’re carrying is too heavy to manage alone, and reaching out for support can make a huge difference in how you feel. -
Balance Social Engagement with Self-Care:
It’s okay to feel distant from your friends right now, and you don’t have to force yourself to join in every celebration if it feels too draining. That said, completely disconnecting from them might add to your feelings of isolation. Is there a middle ground where you could engage on your own terms? Maybe meeting up one-on-one with a friend you feel more comfortable with or only attending events when you’re in the right headspace. -
Acknowledge That Success Looks Different for Everyone:
Your success as a person and as a parent isn’t measured by your financial situation or your kids’ achievements. Life has thrown a lot your way, and navigating these challenges with compassion and strength is a form of success. Try to remind yourself that what you’re doing—showing up for your kids, coping with difficult emotions, and trying to find a way forward—is incredibly meaningful, even if it’s not something that can be measured by external standards. -
Consider Therapy for Your Family and Yourself:
Given the emotional weight of your child’s suicide attempt, it may be helpful to explore therapy, both for your child and for yourself. A therapist can provide tools and coping strategies that can help you manage your emotions, communicate better as a family, and work through the feelings of guilt and grief that might still be lingering.
You’ve been through an enormous amount, and it’s important to recognize that you’re doing the best you can in a very challenging situation. You’re not a loser, and you’re not alone in feeling like life isn’t going as expected. It’s okay to take things one step at a time, and it’s okay to distance yourself from situations or people when you need to protect your mental health. Be kind to yourself as you navigate these emotions, and don’t hesitate to seek support when you need it. You deserve care and compassion, both from yourself and from others.
Take care, Anhe, and remember, small steps forward are still progress.
How do yall spend 5 figures per month? Thats a lot
this addresses the issue to me i think and I actually wanted to write a post but i decided to read about other people’s trouble first.
I hope that Anhe found the reply helpful. We all have different Dynamics to our lives and i think this is very sound advice. Hope you can advice me on something too. I will just mention it here and keep it as consice as possible.
Im 42 this year and i come from a lower income and relying on Social Service. I m taking FUll stack developer to change my life as it should earn me more to help out with the house. I grew up thinking that ethics and a persons values is more preceeding than Money.
But yeah the 5Cs. and almost all my friends my age are talking about. It like some of these people with moeny that i met feels like they can treat people with less badly, or make them feel lesser of a human cause they dont have this or that like their big house or how smart their kids is etc
Im still single but im not lonely cause i do enjoy my own company.
I wanted to write a post about how i get triggered all the negative emotions that i have gone thru and how i felt that i was a doormat and allowed people to say or do as they pleased- Just cause they have the upper hand on this thing called status money senioirity etc _ you cathc my drift.
I spoke to my mom and she said not to hold any grudge but defend as say it back to the person in a calm but objective manner to make them think. I just had one experience where i felt anger cause i waited from 3 pm to 8pm today to get in to visit my friend in the hospital. I wanted to say all the nasty things but i got reminded of how to express my frustration in a calm manner.
Anyways i will just write a post, this is too long hahahah
paying off credit card debts , my husband sometimes has impulsive spending behaviour
Thank you FuYuan for taking time to write such a considered and helpful reply. I will attempt to rethink about how my life is meaningful to me; I think at this stage to use “success” to describe my state is a bit too much of a leap but I will try to ease off the feelings of being a loser in life.
And thank you so much for your last paragraph especially, I’ve always thought of myself as a resilient person but over the last decade especially, I was battling a lot of “guilt” thinking that I should be a better person, that not wanting to be with old friends is a sign of my weak psyche, that I should overcome this feeling of worthlessness…i think I’ve pushed myself too hard so when you said that “it’s okay to distance yourself from situations or people when you need to protect your mental health” - I’m so grateful for this support. I don’t intend to isolate myself, just that I need to be in the right headspace first before I can socialise more happily with some people.
Hi @ManoEsperanza,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly. I really value your honesty in acknowledging those feelings of frustration and rage because it’s obvious that you’ve been thinking a lot about how other people have treated you based on status and wealth. The experiences you’ve had—feeling like a “doormat” or like people have the upper hand because of their money or status—are not easy to deal with, and it’s understandable that these moments would trigger a lot of negative emotions.
First off, I want to acknowledge the strength you’ve shown in actively working to improve your situation. Taking a Full Stack Developer course to better your financial standing and help support your household is a huge step, and it’s something to be proud of. You’re not only making changes for yourself, but also for your family, and that shows a lot of determination.
You mentioned that you’ve grown up valuing ethics and personal values over money, and that speaks volumes about the kind of person you are. It’s not easy to hold onto those values when society often pushes material success as the ultimate goal. But the fact that you’ve stayed grounded in your principles shows your integrity. It can be frustrating when people treat others poorly just because they have more material wealth, but their behavior doesn’t reflect on your worth or your values. It reflects more on them and their inability to see beyond status.
1. Understanding Triggers and Emotional Responses: It sounds like part of what has been challenging is the feeling of being looked down on or treated as lesser because of financial status, and those feelings are resurfacing now. When you say you feel triggered by these negative emotions, you’re recognizing that old wounds are being touched. That’s important because it shows that you’re aware of where the pain comes from—and that’s the first step in managing it.
Your mother’s advice—to respond calmly and objectively—is incredibly wise. By expressing your frustrations in a calm way, you’re not letting others’ negative behavior control you. Instead, you’re showing that you can rise above their pettiness, which is a real strength. It also means you’re not letting anger consume you, which can be empowering. You’re holding onto your values and responding from a place of self-control rather than letting anger dictate your actions.
2. Masking Anger with Calm Responses: It’s great to hear that you were able to manage your frustration in a calm manner when visiting your friend in the hospital, even though you had to wait hours. That’s no small feat, and it shows how much self-discipline you’ve developed. It’s natural to want to say all the nasty things in moments like that, but by keeping calm, you’ve managed to protect your peace while still acknowledging that you were upset.
3. Sharing Your Story and Emotions: You mentioned wanting to write a blog post about how these unfavorable emotions make you feel, and I think that could be a really helpful step in processing them. Sharing your story could help others who feel the same way, and it may even provide you with a sense of relief to put those feelings into words. It’s important to acknowledge that the past experiences where you felt powerless or disrespected don’t define your present. By talking about them, you can take control of the narrative and find a way to move forward with even more clarity.
4. Reaffirming Your Values: At the end of the day, it’s your values that guide you, and those values are much more enduring than material wealth or status. You know that treating others with respect, regardless of their background, is what truly matters. The people who make others feel lesser because of money or status are operating from a place of insecurity. Their worth is tied to things that can be fleeting, but your worth is tied to something much deeper.
5. A Practical Step Forward: As you continue on this journey, I’d recommend that when you feel those old triggers surface, take a moment to pause and reflect on your growth. You’ve come a long way—from working on yourself to taking steps to improve your financial situation. Every time you manage your anger or frustration with calm, objective responses, you’re reaffirming your own strength.
If writing helps you process your emotions, then go ahead and draft that post. But remember that each time you choose calmness over anger, you’re choosing to rise above the people who try to make you feel lesser. You’re not their doormat—you’re standing on your own two feet, building a future on your own terms.
You’re on a path of growth, and it’s clear that you’re taking the right steps forward, even when the road feels challenging. Keep holding on to your values, and know that your journey—though different from others—has its own strength and beauty.
Take care, and keep moving forward. You’re doing great.