I was the victim of a job scam

Ask a Therapist Coping
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I was the victim of a job scam. Last August, I was contacted by someone who offered me a side hustle with Agoda. It was simple work and it paid a small amount.

However, there were times that I had to transfer money to create a booking or some such for passengers. The first few times I did it, they gave me back money with bonus. However, the week after that, they asked me to send the money as usual but it got longer and longer and the amounts grew.

By the time I realize it was a scam, I had lost $S23,000. I reported it to the police and my bank. While I did not wipe out all my savings and nothing else was taken, it was a massive blow to my confidence and emotional well-being. I had just submitted my Master thesis and was supposed to be celebrating my success. Ever since then, I have been in a state of anxiety. I haven’t even told my parents about this, so I have been suffering alone.

Right now, I just want to return my mental state to how it was before the scam. I kept thinking that I should have seen the signs and been more aware. But the worse part was that I told my father I would be careful and keep a look out, and I still fell for it. I feel like a fool.

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my friend also went through something similar >< she lost like 30% of her savings to scam and the hardest part to overcome is the self-blaming :frowning: there was nothing I could do but to reassure her that it was not her fault. And I hope to tell you the same!!! Scams are crimes committed by the scammers, and they are all and the only to blame!!! We can learn to be more discerning but it is not our fault to be scammed :pleading_face::pleading_face::pleading_face: it took time for my friend to feel better, to process what to make of the money loss and the trust broken, and we learn something through the journey~ she said she needed to feel through the emotions she felt and be reassured that this mistake need not become part of her identity moving forward (that she is not gullible!!!), and to come to terms that this was an expensive lesson but also that things could’ve been worse yet it wasn’t :heart_hands:t3:

You are not a fool at all and you’ll emerge even stronger than before through this experience! :flexed_biceps:t3::flexed_biceps:t3::flexed_biceps:t3:

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Hello @user8250, I am sorry to hear that :frowning: I think that this experience of yours exposes a frightening reality that even those who are vigilant can fall victim to such predatory practices online. I hear you, and I hear how defeated you must be feeling, given that you assured your father that you would be mindful, yet fell for the scam. I want to assure you that this is not a reflection of your capabilities, but a reflection of the cruel scammers’ character. Overcoming and processing your emotions, as well as the loss of your money will take a lot of time and patience, but remember to keep pushing forward instead of dwelling on the past. You are definitely an intelligent and strong individual, never doubt your abilities! Stay strong :flexed_biceps:

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Hi user8250,

Sorry to hear about the harrowing experience you had, the shame and suffering is traumatising, and I hope that your sharing has helped provide some relief.

It’s clear that the shock of the scam didn’t just take your money, it shook you as well. What followed, anxiety, self-blame, dissonance, is a standard trauma reaction. Because it was so unexpected, no amount of “thinking rationally” could have prevented the emotional discomfort.

Right now, you are eager to “return” to the version of yourself before the scam. Recovery usually comes in steps: first acceptance, naming the fear instead of labelling yourself “a fool”; then slowly building a safety net, relearning trust in small ways, facing fears in controlled doses, reinforcing the positive moments until confidence begins to scaffold itself back.

This takes time, but repeated honest sharing like you’ve done here already plants the seeds. And when you’re ready, even advocating safe practices with others who’ve been through scams can transform this loss into resilience. It’s not about rushing, but about allowing courage to grow again, piece by piece, supported by those around you.

If I may offer a suggestion, perhaps the gentlest step is to remind yourself: this was a crime against you, it was calculated crime regardless if you were cautious. What you need is time to heal, and labelling yourself as “fool” won’t make it easier. And if the anxiety still feels unbearable, you don’t need to hold it in silence. It is key for you to lean on support, whether through a counsellor or a helpline like mindline 1771, it can make the difference between feeling stuck and feeling supported.

Hoping that you can seek support whenever you feel ready and it’s a call away.

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You are not the only person to say that. I have people who kept telling me that it is just money, I can make it back or that you will recover. But what hurts is that my hard earned money is gone. Is it a bad thing that I want it back now? I can’t get it out of my head and it has become an obsession.

And the other thing I have been obsessing over is that I should have known better. The signs were there when they were avoiding questions, not picking up my calls for further inquiries, that there were ads warning about this kind of job scam, and I still fell for it. I kept thinking that if I had taken my father’s advice or consulted with my family, I wouldn’t be here. I prayed to God that this would all be resolved, the scammers caught and my money returned but it is getting harder to hold onto my faith in Him. I just feel that my life is cold and gray afte I got scammed. I mean, I don’t feel genuine happiness anymore. I haven’t told my family because I know they will judge me and condemn me rather than support me through this.

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Why do you say it was not my fault? I fell for it, I transfered my own money to them when I should be more cautious. If anything, this just feels disingenuous because it was my own actions that led to me being scammed. If I had been more patient and not been so desperate to find a job, I wouldn’t be in this situation.

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Hi @user8250,

I’m really sorry to hear about the traumatic experience you went through. Scams don’t just steal money - they shake our sense of safety, trust, and self-worth. The anxiety, self-blame, and emotional dissonance that followed are not signs of weakness, but natural responses to a deeply unsettling event. It’s understandable to want to “return” to who you were before, but healing often unfolds in stages: accepting what happened, naming the fear without labeling yourself as a fool, and slowly rebuilding trust and confidence through small, safe steps. Your willingness to share already shows strength - it’s the beginning of reclaiming your power.

If I may gently offer a thought, I genuinely feel that this was a crime against you, and not a reflection of your intelligence or worth. Even the most cautious people can be caught off guard by calculated deception. What matters now is giving yourself time to heal and resisting the urge to punish yourself with shame.

If the anxiety feels overwhelming, you don’t have to carry it alone - support is available, through helplines like National Mindline (1771) and Samaritans of Singapore (1767).

If you prefer to speak to a professional in person, options are also available, such as the Community Outreach Team (CREST) and Community Intervention Team (COMIT). You can find these resources here: mindline.sg | Free Mental Health Resources & Mindfulness Tools in Singapore

Reaching out can be the difference between feeling stuck and feeling supported. When you’re ready, even helping others navigate similar experiences can turn this pain into resilience.

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Because it was the scammer who made use of your tough situation and intentionally set up intricate ploys to deceive you. They have extensive extensive work put into how they can scam ppl and take advantage of ppl’s vulnerable moments…… I know you can’t help but blame yourself, and you’ll need to feel these emotions for a while maybe…. But they alr took away your money, don’t let them take away any other thing from you anymore!

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The thing is, I was not in a tough situation. I was quite comfortable and just got off finishing my Master’s thesis. But I was too eager to get into a job when I should be patient and wait for my results to come back. If anything, it was my impatience and eagerness that caused me to fall for the scam because I was looking for any opportunity rather than focus on a few, or even trust my own instincts.

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I can feel how wounded you were, you are right that it isn’t just money the way others keep saying to you. It was the validation of your effort, your years of discipline, exchanged into something tangible… and having it ripped away like that leaves a huge hole.

What often gets lost in that moment is this: while the money was stolen, the skills, experiences, and grit you built to earn it are still with you. Those don’t vanish. They can be used again, and over time, they’ll help you capture wealth and stability again.

I want to share gently, I too was scammed once. I won’t go into the details, but I remember the same cycle: the withdrawal, the grief, the shame. It wasn’t a memory that faded quickly; in fact, it still sits with me. But it became a memory I draw on, one that forces me to strengthen my future self, to rebuild with more awareness and steadiness.

It makes sense you can’t let it go right now. The obsession and the cold grayness you describe are signs of grief. It won’t disappear overnight, it can transform if you envision your own grit, strength, and determination to rebound.

You don’t have to erase this experience to move forward. Maybe the step ahead is say to yourself: “I lost money I worked hard for” and “I still have within me the same strength and skills that earned it.” that duality can be a starting point for rebuilding.

Again, if the grief ever feels like too much to carry on your own, it’s okay to lean on safe supports, whether a counsellor or even just one friend who can sit with you without judgement.

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Hello. Just want to update that the police were unable to get my stolen money back as it is overseas and out of their reach. They will try with overseas partners but the hope is quite slim. Now I just feel worse and hopeless. I lost a substantial amount of my savings, am currently unemployed and am suffering through this alone since my family doesn’t know about this. The shame and reprimand I’ll get from them is just too much for me to bear thinking about it, let alone wanting to consult with them. I know you said I should have hope and gradually get over it but it feels like, ever since I got scammed, my life is going downhill. I’m starting to lose hope that I might have a future after graduating from university.

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Hi @user8250, the experience of being a scam victim is definitely a lot for anyone to take in.

The scammer deliberately preyed on your vulnerable moment, using carefully constructed schemes designed to manipulate and deceive. Their actions were calculated, rehearsed, and meant to exploit people in distress. It’s understandable that you feel blame and regret right now; those emotions are valid and may take time to process. But none of this was your fault. You were targeted precisely because of your humanity, not because of any weakness.

They’ve already taken your money, and that loss hurts. But don’t let them take anything more. Not your dignity, not your self-trust, not your ability to heal. You deserve compassion, not punishment, especially from yourself. Let this be the boundary they don’t ccros. The part of you that still believes in your worth, your resilience, and your right to move forward.

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But how do I heal from this? You said I need to be shown compassion and time, but how can I show compassion for myself when I’ve spent years hating myself for not living up to my parent’s expectations or my own expectations? I’ve always been a disappointment to them and this scam that cost me a lot just hammers this point home. If I had shown the Telegram message to my parents, if I had chosen not to go in this alone, I wouldn’t have spent the past month and a half hating myself even more that it has become unbearable.

I just want this pain to end, and talking about it while feeling powerless and angry is just not cutting it.

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Hello @user8250

I hear a lot of anger and self blame… I’m not sure what I could say to help you feel better but it sounds like you’re grieving - a loss that you never expected or you felt you could and should have avoided.

Personally, grief is complex, we might try to brush it away but I think sometimes only time can heal the pain, I know it might not be something you want to hear but yeah sometimes we gotta give it time. Good to stay present, grounded, be in tune with your feelings and find a way to work through at anger, honestly sometimes letting out that anger and frustration by shouting can be helpful.

I hope you find your healing.

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Hey, your update… it sounded crushing. Hearing that the police might not recover your money must feel like the heart sank deeper. What you’re describing is exhaustion that follows a long stretch of fear and waiting. The shock came first, then the trauma. And now, this quiet collapse when reality settles in. it’s okay to call this grief, because it is.

Right now, forcing optimism won’t help. Clearly the pressure of financial burden needs to be cushioned. Have you started to seek help? There are practical ways to get short-term relief and advice that don’t require family involvement right away:

  1. ComCare or SSNet: you can speak with the nearest Social Service Office (SSO) about temporary financial support. They’re used to handling scam cases and confidentiality requests.

  2. Credit Counselling Singapore (CCS): offers free sessions on managing debt, savings, or rebuilding finances without judgement.

  3. Employment and job matching: MyCareersFuture.sg has career coaches who can help with re-entry after setbacks.

If the shame feels too heavy to even start these steps, it’s okay to have someone walk you through them; mindline.sg can help connect you quietly. It’s not wrong to need money right now; it’s survival. But let the help come through safe and official hands, not random offers online. Your safety, emotional and financial, matters more than any quick fix. I want you to know this: the skills, effort, and intellect that helped you finish university and earn that money still live inside you. Those are the same resources that will help you rebuild. For now, you can stay here, breathe, and let this community hold a little of that weight with you.

This is what compassion looks like, attending to your fears and leaning on support, rather than fueling the hyper criticalness of self. Whenever you feel ready, make that call.

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Thank you for the reply. I have just asked CCS and Comcare about this via email. Hope they can offer me a solution to my problem.

I am still feeling depressed but talking about it here and with SOS is helping to alleviate my burdens.

One thing I want to mention is that while I have not told my parents, they would likely find out by next year February. I know people say you should be honest but I just can’t bear telling them what happened without them being extremely mad at me and possibly kicking me out of the house.

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Hi @user8250,

May I know to what extent do you believe that your parents would kick you out of the house for something that was not your fault? And do you feel that there is a possibility of speaking to your parents about this in a civilised discussion?

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There is a part of me that wants to tell them to relief the burden on my shoulders but I can’t muster the courage to do so because I know it will not be a civilized discussion and devolve into a shouting match and guilt-tripping which I rightfully deserve for being so trusting of strangers. I know that keeping this a secret for too long is bad, but I don’t know what to do. I suspect this is the cause of my current dilemma, that I am keeping this major secret from them.

Another thing I want to share is that I am helping to invest some of their money. It started right after I was scammed and If I tell them that I was scammed of my own money right after I started investing, it would not look good.

And I still don’t understand how this is not my fault. I sent the scammers my money because I believed them and did not do my due diligence or be more alert for their deception.

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Hi @user8250,

I can feel the weight of what you’re carrying. You’re trying to protect your family from worry, while also shielding yourself from the fallout of a truth that feels too heavy to speak aloud. It makes sense that your body is bracing for conflict, anticipating guilt-tripping and shouting, especially when you’ve been taught to internalise blame. But keeping this secret is exhausting you, and deep down, you know it’s not sustainable. You’re not wrong for wanting relief, for wishing someone would help shoulder the burden. That longing is human, and it doesn’t make you weak.

And about the scam, it’s so easy to turn the blame inward, to replay every moment and ask, “Why didn’t I see it?” But being deceived is not a moral failing. If someone were pickpocketed or robbed in the streets, the authorities wouldn’t say it was the victim’s fault for not guarding their wallet better. Rather, they would hold the criminals accountable and sentence them in court.

So I do hope that you’ll understand that the responsibility for a crime lies entirely with the perpetrator - the person who chose to harm, deceive, or steal. Just like how we don’t blame a victim of theft for going home alone at night, we shouldn’t blame scam victims for being manipulated. It’s easy to look back and say, “I should’ve known better,” but that’s hindsight talking. In reality, most people operate from a place of trust, not suspicion. Being robbed, scammed, or deceived doesn’t mean you were foolish. It means someone else chose to violate your trust. That choice was theirs. The fault is theirs.

Similarly, in your case, scammers are trained manipulators, exploiting trust and vulnerability with precision. The fault lies entirely with them. You were trying to build something hopeful, maybe even redemptive, and they took advantage of that. You’re allowed to grieve what was lost without punishing yourself for being trusting. That trust is part of what makes you capable of love, of care, of connection. Don’t let their cruelty redefine your worth.

With that said, you may wish to speak with your Investigation Officer or Social Worker about the emotional fallout that you are experiencing. Just like any other crime, scams can be deeply traumatising, and I trust that the authorities would be able to signpost you to the appropriate resources to help you cope in this difficult time.

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What do you advise? That I tell them? I am afraid of how they will react, especially from my father who constantly warned about being careful not to fall for scams. Funny how that turns out his son let his guard down. Maybe I should write a book about it?