My depression has become me

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hello, apologies for this long and probably incoherent post

i want to die, genuinely, and i do not care about anything else in life. why should i be forced to live? why have i been forced to live up to this point? i know that my death will be upsetting for my loved ones but i suppose it goes to show how nasty of a person i am that i dont care enough to live for them. i wish i were still at the stage where i could live begrudglingly for them but i am not. it is a bit sickening, but i would like for someone to kill me so that my loved ones wont be as distraught. like a freak accident or something, so theres no choice but to accept it, and they cant feel like they could have saved me. there will be no room for blame. i want to run away and disappear and they will not know what has happened to me and maybe they will think i have been kidnapped by someone else while i wait for my death alone in the streets of another country. i want to leave everything behind and start anew but its not like i have the money too but its ok if i just live a few days doing whatever i want and meet my end after that. i think it will be a good death. i will leave all my belongings behind and my family will not be burdened by me anymore, at least financially. i have made sure to set aside enough money for a funeral. i am sure they will hold one, but i do not want them to. i want to quietly disappear. but i am sure that if i tell them this i will be nagged and it will set off a slew of paranoia i do not want to deal with.

objectively, i am ruining my future. have already ruined it, subjectively. the dissonance i feel from wanting to die despite being alive and not fully abandoning all future-related things yet is haunting. i do not care about succeeding in university in the way that other people do so they have a better future, i care because i cannot deal with yet another failure, i hold myself up to some half-imaginary delusional standard. i think i can be the best if i try yet this is almost never the case and only further widens the scope of what failure is to me. but the dissonance hits whenever i do something that is supposed to be ‘good’ for me, and especially for my future, because why am i working toward a future i do not want, and for a self that i cannot stand? i end up delaying and delaying and delaying and then i will pathetically mourn my life and repeat that i want to die like a broken record while handing up subpar essays and being subpar in every other area of life. i am pathetic and i know this yet i continue to self-pity because it is the only path that does not worsen this dissonance.

i know that i can change my attitude, maybe parade around a mask that makes a mockery of wanting to live like normal people do. but why should i? what is wrong with dying? it would be the only choice i can make for myself, truly by myself without anyone else’s influence bleeding into this decision. my education pathways have been because i am scared of the poverty i am in and have grown up in. my current course is moderately respectable, i already made a compromise by not continuing what i did in polytechnic which disappointed my mother, so it is already a downgrade. but it is still not what i want. i want to draw, maybe sing, scream my lungs out, dress up freakishly, maybe find some semblance of self identity. but i cannot consider it for too long, or i will panic about my money, my future, poverty, and other things that in theory should not matter to me anymore. it is like only negative things about life and the future matter to me, but not positive things. i do not have anything i want to look forward to, but even as i contemplate dying i am bound by my responsibilities, by investments and choices toward a future that i will not see if i died. it is funny how the essence of my life is only dissonance and hypocriticism.

it will be my birthday soon. i did not plan to live until this age. i do not want to think of the future, of planning my modules for the next semester, of work, and of another day of life. i do not know what to do. i want to sink into the ground and be forgotten. i wish that everyone else will forget me so that i can go in peace. i am tired of myself, and my freakish awkward behavior, i barely have a personality because i restrain myself so much. i am constantly in crisis, i do not see a point in calling hotlines anymore. i do not want my family to know so i do not want to get warded or admitted into a hospital. i do not want to think anymore.

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Hey OP,

May I just say that your thoughts reflect similarly to mine when I’m having a mental breakdown? I read through all of it and saw how much of myself that I saw. In fact, I had a mental breakdown just yesterday, and most of the thoughts are the same as this!

I know what it feels like to want to disappear, to rid yourself of the responsibilities and expectations put on you, to stop feeling pain, and to finally be at peace. Sometimes, I wish I could jump off the HDB building or go into East Coast Park to drown. These thoughts have been so familiar to me, and they provide some kind of uncomfortable comfort; it’s as if it’s how my brain relieves stress.

I also do not have much ambition. I graduated university with an okay grade. I’m currently working in a job that’s not what I studied in uni. I wake up, go to work, go home, sleep, then rinse and repeat. It was hard for me to adjust at first; there were so many nights where I cried, cried, and cried, wishing for the cycle to stop.

I got medicated for my depression which has helped tremendously; however, it’s not a quick cure to my problems. It helps me to manage my mental headspace, but there are days where it’s a little bit harder to go on like yesterday. How I’m still here going on, I’m not sure. I don’t really have one sentence to answer the big question: “what’s the point of living when it was never my choice to live?”

Here’s the thing: I don’t believe there’s one answer to it. You know what got me to keep living until now? I’m going to have my birthday soon, and I booked myself a ticket to Universals. It’s been a while since I’ve went, and I’ve decided to splurge a little bit of money to give myself a treat. I’m also going to go to a concert that’s happening in February. I’m also planning on a creative project next year.

A few months ago, I found a Reddit comment that snapped me out of my depression, and it said something along the line of:

” If you’re at the point where you want to kill yourself, that’s when you have literally nothing to lose, and only everything to gain. You are free.

It made me realise that, “oh, wait a minute. I can literally do anything.” Because if you believe that nothing matters, if you ask “what’s the point of living like this?”, then yeah! What’s the point? There’s no point! So, why not live your life how you want it to be? You only have one life, and you were going to die anyways. Do you want to die miserable and lonely because of the circumstances you were put in?

Granted, I do not know what things you’re going through in your life right now. It’s easier said than done, especially if your situation does not allow you to be free. However, whatever passion or desire you have in the back of your mind, you should reach for it. You wrote that you wanted to draw, sing, dress up freakishly, and to find a semblance of self-identity. You can! You really can, because you have the power to do so. You have the power to make something of yourself, not from your parents, or the system, or what other people tell you should do. When you are going to die in the end (as we all will at the end), you should die on your own terms. Spite is a great motivator to keep living. Spite the system that tries to push you down, make you miserable, and put you in a box that does not fit you.

I’m sorry for the lengthy post. If you’ve made it this far, then I thank you for giving your time to read through. In the end, I cannot stop you from wanting to die, and I think it’s something we’ll have to live with as people with depression. But, I don’t know. I think I don’t want to die lonely and miserable. At the very least, I want to live my life and end it with a bang. All the best, OP.

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Hi @evernight,

I’m one of the befrienders here, and I want to assure you that the kind of response you received earlier today is not what should be given in a moment of distress.

When someone is struggling, it’s important that they feel validated and supported, not dismissed. It pains me to see how unempathetic people can sometimes be, especially when what’s needed most is compassion and understanding. Please know that you deserve a safe space to share what you’re going through, and we are here to listen with care.

With regards to what you’ve shared, I hear the depth of pain and exhaustion in what you’ve shared, and I want to acknowledge how heavy it must feel to carry those thoughts day after day.

I also want to gently remind you that suicide is not the only option, even if it feels like the only way to reclaim control. Suicide is preventable, and there are coping strategies and supports that can help ease the weight you’re carrying. Talking to someone you trust, whether it’s a close friend, a counsellor, or a mental health professional, can open up space for relief and new perspectives.

You don’t have to face this alone, and reaching out doesn’t mean you’ll be judged or forced into something you don’t want. It means giving yourself a chance to be heard and supported. Even small steps, like expressing yourself through drawing, music, or writing, can help reconnect you with parts of yourself that feel lost.

Please consider reaching out to one of the helplines I’ve listed down below. While I’ve noted that you are not in the mood to speak to them, they exist because people in moments like this deserve care, safety, and hope.

Help is available:

Samaritans of Singapore: Call 1767 or WhatsApp +65 9151 1767

National Mindline: Call 1771 or WhatsApp +65 6669 1771

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Dear @evernight

Thank you for your post and I am glad you reached out by writing what you are going through. There is no need for you to apologise for its length. Your post is also far from being incoherent. On the contrary, it is both well articulated and coherent. You have expressed how vulnerable and pained you are feeling and it resonates at a deeper level.

I can sense how exhausted and overwhelmed you are and no one should have to carry this much pain alone. What you’re feeling tells me that you’ve been struggling alone for a long time without enough support. Anyone in your situation would feel similarly lost, distressed and tired. Despite how challenging your life has been, I observe your ability to step back, reflect and analyse.

I believe the wish to disappear, the confusion about the future, the pressure of expectations, the fear of poverty, the frustration with yourself come from a place of deep hurt, it is not from who you truly are. Please know I see you as someone who deserves unconditional care, rest and support.

You shared your discomfort if your family gets to know your situation, and that’s understandable . May I suggest reaching out to your university counsellor or a mental healthcare professional soon ? These are confidential and safe sources of support as they’re trained to sit with us in exactly this kind of pain, without judgment, without involving family unless you want them to.

Talking to counsellor could give you some breathing room and a place to untangle everything you’re holding inside.

Please know that you don’t have to go through this alone. You deserve someone to sit with you, help you make sense of this, and remind you that there is still a part of you holding on.

Please continue to reach out here too whenever needed. You are precious and you matter.:yellow_heart: