[TW] I want to end my life

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I don’t think I belong anywhere in society. I don’t have close friends in school, in fact I don’t even have one. Feels like I don’t exist in class.

I don’t even want to get started with what goes on at home. My mom has called me useless and brainless and even has the audacity to say she doesn’t feel “attachment”, meaning even if I die, she won’t be sad.

Messaging helplines seem useless for me. They say got traffic and don’t have much time to talk with me but I myself also don’t have time. Just recently I tried messaging the Samaritans of Singapore but I just wished I didn’t have a strict study schedule set by my mom because I could have had more time to seek out the volunteer’s replies. Within the span of 30 minutes, I could only get 3 short replies. I don’t know how to explain this, and I also don’t blame them for them being busy, just wished I could have more time to try seeking more replies.

I want to die. Its better than failing O Levels as a foreign student and getting deported for failing and then having to suffer in a land thats is affected by war. Its better to die now than to just suffer.

Ironic. The undying sun now wishes to die.

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Hey OP,

I’m really sorry you’re going through so much. I know what it feels like when nothing matters and to think it’s better to just cease everything. I’ve had to fight through those thoughts for years and only managed to get help once I graduated university.

I’m not going to pretend that I know how to help. Everyone has their own struggles they’re fighting, and there’s only so much other people in your life can do–even a person with a supportive community can end up ending their own life. It’s a really, really tough battle, and I don’t blame you for wanting to end your life to stop the pain. It really does sound easier, right? “If I die now, the pain will stop, and I don’t have to suffer anymore."

Even when I’m medicated, I still also struggle with thoughts of death. There are days in my life where it’s so dull and boring, where the world seems so overwhelming with all its flaws and problems, where nothing is changing and everything is static. Sometimes it makes me wonder whether it’s still worth it to keep going. What’s the point of living if everything is just…only this?

Then, I figured out that…perhaps I don’t need to ponder about it too long. Maybe instead of “what’s the point of living like this”, I think of “I want to eat the kwetiau at the hawker stall below my apartment tomorrow.” I think about wanting to meet my friends tomorrow. I think about going to an art convention that I heard about. I think about a show or film that gets me excited. I think about eating food that I haven’t eaten in a while. I think about project ideas that I want to create.

It’s easier said than done, and I will say I’m extraordinarily lucky to have met supportive friends who helped me keep going. I don’t blame you for wanting to die; living is so tough, anyways! It’s a miracle you’ve made it this far with all your struggles. But we are all going to die in the end, right? So, why not make the most of the remaining life we have doing something that you desire?

I really wish you the best, OP. I will say one thing is for certain, and that it does get better. You may not believe it, and I don’t blame you. But when you’re really at your lowest, when you’re at that point of wanting to die, then there’s no other way than upwards, right? Sending all love for you :heart:

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Dear @undying_sun

I am both thankful and glad you reached out for help today. Please know that you are heard and seen by the supportive community here.

I can feel the intensity of your pain in every word you have written. It is clear that you are carrying much of the pain alone.

I agree that it does not feel good to feel invisible at school and also be hurt by words at home.

I would like to acknowledge your efforts of reaching out to the helpline the way you did as it was a positive and proactive step: unfortunately there was insufficient time available to effectively process what you are going through.

May I suggest you approach a school counsellor soon and arrange for a safe non judgmental and confidential discussion on what you are experiencing? You can ask the counsellor to coach you on strategies to cope with the challenges before you in a healthy manner. You do matter and your life is precious, even if right now it feels like no one sees you.

I am also concerned about you thinking about dying. If you are in immediate danger of acting on these thoughts please urgently call 1767 for assistance. Calling this 24 hour hotline is more personal as there is a trained counsellor available you can talk to. You are immensely precious and your grades certainly don’t define your worth at all!

Dear @undying_sun please take it one tiny step at a time :yellow_heart: .

I recommend you work on your wellbeing as a priority while steadily working towards improving your studies with the O levels approaching. Engage school teachers for consults for topics you don’t understand. With your determination and dedication, you can be proud of the effort you are putting in, regardless of what you achieve. And keep reaching out here for support, you are not alone.:yellow_heart:

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Hey @undying_sun, I hear you, and I want to start by saying I’m really sorry you’re carrying so much pain right now. Feeling like you don’t belong anywhere like at school and at home can make the world feel unbearably lonely. And when the very people who are supposed to care for you tear you down instead, those words can cut really deeply. It makes sense why you’d feel worthless and hopeless after hearing that from your mom :frowning:.

I also hear how much pressure you’re under with O Levels, especially as a foreign student. The fear of failing and what that might mean for your future is crushing. It’s no wonder you feel like death feels easier than carrying all of that. But please know that failing exams or struggling in school does not erase your worth as a person. Your life is so much more than grades, even if right now it feels like everything is hanging on this.

I want to say that wanting to die doesn’t mean you actually deserve to die. It means the pain is too heavy for you to carry alone. And you don’t have to carry it alone.

You mentioned helplines feeling too slow and I get that. It can be frustrating when you already feel desperate and replies are delayed. If you feel like you’re at the point of wanting to act on these thoughts, I encourage you to call 999 or go straight to the A&E. Your safety comes first.

If calling feels too hard, even telling a trusted teacher or counsellor at school “I’m not safe with my thoughts right now” could get you support.

And for right this moment, even if everything feels like it’s collapsing, you don’t have to make any final decisions tonight. You can give yourself a pause, just for today. Stay safe until you’re able to talk to someone who can hold this with you :yellow_heart:.