Hi i am 30 years old, single mother of 2 beautiful girls aged 5 & 6 years old. I would like to just summarise what i have been feeling lately even so i have not been diagnosed with depression i always felt that i am and some signs are similar.
I never had a great childhood, it was painful. I was brought up in a harsh way. My whole life i never felt i was good enough probably no one has ever told me i was, instead i have always been the problem. The trauma has never vanished it comes back whenever i am emotionally and mentally unstable i would say. I am not crazy, i just get very stress to a point whereby i can feel my head hurts due to thinking too much, i get slightly breathless & nauseous. I am unable to focus at work, very forgetful and i feel like i just want to be home i used to succeed in everything i do, i get compliments at work however lately the stress came back, they feel like i am underperforming which then demotivates me even more.
I have a good job, but many personal issues are bringing me down to my lowest. I feel lonely, abandoned at times when i am stress i feel like i am less of a mother even though i pushed myself to care for both of my kids. My kids have seen me cry but at the end of the day they are my pillar of strength. I love them very much but at times i feel that my approach to them hurts them when they do something wrong i am this way is because i am stress to a point whereby i feel that my head hurts so much and also i do not want them to be the younger me i do not want them to go through what i’ve been through.
I have a partner, that has expectations of how i should treat him however when i try to talk things out and tell him how i feel too he do not want to consider. When we argue he leaves me and “run away” from problems. He abandoned my feelings & mental health he always said this is just a sense of control he do not wish to understand.
At times i feel suicidal(the thoughts of my children is what kept me going even though i may be in an bad emotional and mental control). When i felt empty and very stress as i always have felt nobody consideres how i feel, i feel like i am unheard and my feelings don’t matter. Back then there were few times i banged my head on the wall because i was in so much emotional pain being pushed emotionally and mentally by my partner, i put myself in pain to “remove” the current pain it kind of helped i then just stay silent i felt the whole world shut down. I can’t control my emotions most of the time i cry alot my chest hurts.
I wake up everyday trying to be normal i drag myself up to be at work, to go on with daily life. Put a fake smile to my face but only i know there are so much in my heart which was never solved nor said. Everytime when i share my feelings with people i love or trust i am the problem, i am the one unable to “control” my thoughts. Help me is this a sign of depression? How can i know or be diagnosed?
Thank you for your immense courage in sharing what you are experiencing. I am sad to hear about your struggles and want to let you know that your feelings of hurt and sadness are fully understandable and deeply valid. You are carrying a heavy burden. However, I also observe that despite all the challenges stacked against you, your resilience and strengths are shining through and I commend you for that .
While I can’t provide a diagnosis, I can help explore your emotions and suggest some steps you might consider taking for your well-being.
Understanding your feelings
From what you’ve described, it seems you are experiencing several signs that could be associated with emotional distress, depression or anxiety, such as:
Persistent Sadness: Feeling lonely, abandoned, or unheard.
Physical Symptoms: Headaches, breathlessness, and nausea when stressed.
Difficulty Concentrating: Struggling to focus at work and feeling forgetful.
Emotional Pain: Crying frequently and feeling overwhelmed by emotions.
Suicidal Thoughts: Experiencing thoughts of self-harm, self harming and feeling hopeless.
Impact of Past Trauma
Your childhood experiences and the trauma you mentioned can significantly affect your emotional health. The feelings of inadequacy and stress you described may stem from unresolved issues from your past. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are valid and can influence your current relationships and parenting.
Steps to Consider
Seek Professional Help
A mental health professional can provide a safe space to explore your feelings. They can help you understand your emotions and develop coping strategies.
Communicate with Your Partner
Communicate your feelings to your partner when you are both calm. Use “I” statements to express how you feel without placing blame (e.g., “I feel overwhelmed when…”).
If your partner’s behavior is affecting your mental health, it’s key to establish boundaries that protect your well-being.
Practice Self-Care
Techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, or yoga can help reduce stress and improve emotional regulation.
Regular exercise can boost your mood and energy levels. It doesn’t have to be intense; even a daily walk can be beneficial.
Journaling your thoughts and feelings can provide an outlet for your emotions and help you process your experiences.
Connect with Supportive People
Talk to trusted friends or family members about your feelings. Surrounding yourself with supportive individuals can help you feel less isolated.
If certain relationships contribute to your stress, consider setting limits on your interactions with those individuals.
Recognise the Need for Professional Diagnosis
If you find that your feelings persist or worsen, it may be beneficial to seek a formal evaluation from a mental health professional. They can conduct assessments to determine whether you are experiencing depression, anxiety, or another mental health condition.
Signs to Seek Immediate Help
If you ever feel that you might act on suicidal thoughts or feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness, please reach out for immediate help. Contact the 24 hour hotline run by SOS at 1767 or go to your nearest hospital A&E.
Your feelings are important, and your life is extremely precious, Fiara. It’s crucial to prioritise your mental health for both yourself and your children. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. You deserve unconditional support and understanding as you navigate these challenges. Take one step at a time, and know that you are not alone in this journey. Please never give up, just keep on going.
.