I feel upset and empty, but there are no reasons nor signs to why. I have felt like this for a while, and I have been trying to push it away by distracting myself with games, movies, sleeping, or talking about anything except what bothers me. I can’t handle when I just start crying, feeling like a disgraceful disappointment, with no true ambitions and no hope for the future. I have a normal life. I have a stable school life, stable financial situation, and I have good friends to rely on, but I just can’t rely on someone. I have so much pent up anger in me, building up over the years of not being taken seriously as someone who’s the youngest, shortest, maybe the most short-tempered or narcissistic, but I heavily believe it’s due to my childhood experience of being praised and berated for the same things back-to-back. It could also be that I am autistic, but I am not diagnosed, nor do I plan to diagnose myself to avoid that conversation with anyone, and the fact that I am a female born at birth (I greatly prefer he/they pronouns,) as well as being a brand new teenager, (13 years old) I struggle with taking myself seriously at times. I have no idea what to do anymore. I don’t know who I really am, what my true strengths are despite being mediocre at about everything, and I don’t even know what is my real name. I was born and given a name, but it’s not me. That is not my name. My main issues are pent up anger, identity issues, a lack of direction for the future, and the fact I am clueless to why I feel so empty nowadays. I need professional help, but my parents would never allow it, or they would absolutely make me worse and possibly manipulate me into thinking I have never needed therapy in the first place and I was just lying unconsciously.
Dear @kaeyanara
Thank you for reaching out and sharing what you’re going through. I’m really sorry to hear that things have been tough for you lately. 
It’s okay to feel upset or hurt inside, even when everything seems okay on the outside.
It sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot on your shoulders for a long time. It’s normal to feel frustrated when you’re not taken seriously or when your feelings aren’t understood. Your experiences growing up, where you were praised one moment and criticised the next, can really affect how you see yourself and how you react to things now.
It’s important to know that your feelings are important and valid. It’s not easy to handle these emotions, especially when they’ve been building up over time. It takes courage to recognise how past experiences shape our current feelings.
Crying is something natural and healthy that happens when we’re feeling overwhelmed or need support. Here’s why it can be helpful:
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Emotional Release: Crying lets out emotions we’ve been holding in. When we cry, our bodies release stress hormones, which can make us feel calmer and more relaxed afterwards. It’s a way for our bodies to take care of us.
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Communication: Crying is a way to show that we need help or comfort, even without words. It tells others that we’re going through something tough and could use some support.
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Self-Soothing: Crying can trigger our parasympathetic nervous system, which helps our bodies calm down and rest. This can bring a sense of relief and peace after we’ve had a good cry.
It’s okay to try to push away our emotions to feel better for a while, but in the long run, those feelings can get stronger. Emotions are like signals from our body telling us that something needs attention or change. Ignoring them might cause physical pain or illnesses as our body tries to get us to listen. I’m glad you’re noticing that something isn’t quite right and asking for help. Well done! 
Anger is a natural feeling that tells us when something isn’t fair or right. It’s like an alarm system for our emotions. Feeling angry can give us the push we need to make positive changes or stand up for ourselves when it’s necessary. It’s important to deal with anger in a good way, like talking about how you feel without hurting others. Doing deep breathing, exercise, or calming activities can also help when you’re feeling really mad. Understanding why you’re angry can help you handle those feelings better.
If you’re okay with it, can you share with us more about what makes you think you might be autistic? Knowing more about your experiences can help us support you better.
I can only imagine how confusing and tough it must be for you when you feel like your birth identity doesn’t match who you are inside. 
It’s a personal journey that can leave you feeling unsure and conflicted. Not being able to talk about this with your loved ones can make you feel lonely, like you’re hiding a big part of yourself. It’s okay to feel this way and to want understanding from those who are close to you too.
Dealing with these feelings can be tough, and it’s okay to take your time to figure out who you are. You deserve support and kindness as you learn more about yourself. It’s okay to explore your identity and discover what feels right for you, including your pronouns.
At age 13, puberty could be starting, which can make emotions feel stronger. Your brain is still developing during this time, which can affect how you think and feel about yourself and the world around you. Remember, your brain won’t fully develop until around age 25, so be patient with yourself as you grow and change. You don’t have to have everything figured out right now. Allow yourself to learn and grow at your own pace.
It’s really brave of you to realise that you might need some extra support. It’s important to find someone you trust to talk to about these feelings. If your parents are unsure or hesitant, maybe there’s a teacher, school counselor, or another adult you trust who can help you talk to them in a supportive way.
If it’s okay with you, I’d like to offer another way of looking at things. Whether someone identifies as male or female is just one part of who they are. Your character, values, strengths, and how you approach growth are much bigger aspects of who you are, and they’re all about who you are as a person, not about gender. While you’re figuring out your gender identity, it’s also important to let yourself grow and develop these other parts of who you are too.
Here are some journal prompts to help you think about these other parts of yourself:
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Reflect on Your Values: What values mean the most to you? How do they influence the choices you make and the way you act?
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Strengths and Challenges: What are your strengths? How have these strengths helped you overcome difficult situations in your life?
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Goals and Ambitions: What are your goals for the near future and for the long term? How do you plan to achieve them step by step?
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Self-Discovery: What hobbies or activities make you feel most like yourself? How do these activities shape your sense of who you are?
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Gratitude Journaling: List three things you’re grateful for today. How do these things make your life better or brighter?
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Mindfulness and Reflection: Recall a recent accomplishment or moment of pride. What did this experience teach you about yourself?
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Personal Growth: How have you grown emotionally, mentally, or physically over the past year? What lessons have you learned about yourself through these experiences?
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Coping Strategies: When you’re feeling overwhelmed or upset, what techniques do you use to calm down and feel better?
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Self-Care Rituals: How do you take care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally? What activities or routines help you feel good and balanced?
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Role Models: Who do you look up to and why? What qualities do they possess that you admire and want to develop in yourself?
Discovering who you are is a journey that needs patience and kindness towards yourself. Embrace all aspects of yourself and allow yourself to grow at your own speed. Your feelings are important, and asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak. It takes bravery to want to feel happier and understand things better. Take small steps to learn more about yourself; there’s plenty of time to explore and find out who you truly are. 
I hope the information above has been helpful. If you need more resources or if there’s anything else you want to talk about, please feel free to share with us. We’re here to listen to you because your feelings are important and you matter! 
Take care,
Cool Breeze =)