I might have started sec 3 the wrong way… my class isnt exactly the best… me and my friends are also all separated into different classes… soo when everyone had their own clique in sec 3, i was left to jumping around to different groups trying to fit in.. Making it worse, theres quite a handful of well liked people in my cohort that kinda dislike me so i guess they spread rumors.. making my classmate have bad impressions of me before they met me.
Anyways now in sec 4, things are just worse. As said in my previous post, me and my ex brokeup. So no one could really “protect” me from all these. Which makes me very vulnerable to people that dislike my guts. Well taking that opportunity, rumours and leaks just spread… and well yk how people are like.. they only listen to one pov.. and lets just say.. im not the strongest soldier when it comes to battling judgements and critisism. Sooo that alongside the rumours, it just makes my classmates wanna scoot away from me.
There are many instances when teacher wants us to do group work and people will discuss about groupings infront of my face. And when they needed another member, theyll add someone that isnt their friend btw. So ill just be alone. Sometimes my teacher will insist on groupwork and force me into a group. Well the “whatt noo” “ughh” will just appear softly. Other times teacher wont even realise that i dont have a group. And when i submit individual work, theyll pretend not to see my work and skip past it. My form teacher btw.
And theres a student that has the same english name and surname as me. So we are called by our chinese name (well i am called by my chinese name). Lets just call her first name jane, surname doe (idk… i love Ride the cyclone) for anonymity. I’m always compared with her siliently. Shes smart like rly smart, shes pretty, shes slim, shes sporty, shes basically everything im not. Ugh I envy her in a good way. Her and her ex still like each other and are willing to talk it out, classmates are willing to include her, everyone is willing to help her in something she needs help in, even people call her by her english name. Mind you her chinese name is first then her english name. Mines opposite. Anyways. She’s class chairperson this year (shes doing amazing as a class chairperson. Leadership was made for her) And somehow everyone starts calling her jane. And ofc thats also my english name so I will react. But when I react, people just get pissed that i react?? Theyll be like “ omg we are not calling you its obvi that we are calling her bru” it just hurts. I hate my chinese name so much… it just gets made fun of all the time even when i tell them to stop… why does she get to not be made fun of for her chinese name AND be called by her english name instead… EVEN teachers are calling her that. Form teacher everything. Its already bad that in sec 3 when im class committee, no one wanted to be in my group. Itll be soo awkward when the class chair was like “ raise your hands if you wanna be in her group” and no one raises their hand. And now this? It just made me loose my sense of belonging wayyy more than necessary…
To make things worse, my form teachers and my class just loves forgetting about my existance. Like today. My form teacher was RIGHT IN FRONT of me when i was in the hall. And yk what he said when i was leaving the hall after being dismissed to class. “Since when youre here. I never see you” what? Once when i was absent (that day was gather in class) he didnt realise i was not in class until CCE lesson. And i can skip litterally any lesson i want and non of my classmates nor teachers will realise im missing. Like ive done that for 2 pe lessons (cause i was crashing out) and 1 cce lesson (counselling ses) and no one realised i was gone. I feel like a ghost floating by in class…. I feel like i shouldnt exist in class..
. your teacher really shouldn’t have said that, even if he/she didn’t mean it with any ill intent. you deserve to be acknowledged.
… and i get that it’s not even her fault – she’s smart, capable, doing a great job, and you can’t even be mad at her for being who she is. that makes it even harder, because the pain isn’t about jealousy or resentment, but about how invisible you feel in comparison. like you’re standing right there but still somehow in her shadow. and that’s such a lonely place to be in. it makes total sense that your sense of belonging has taken such a huge hit.