Messy vent by a silly sec 4 whos never talked about their feelings before👻

[user5280]

i dont know who to talk to and i found this so im gonna vent a LOT cause ive never let out my feelings before- y’know average funny silly haha brainrot guyy LALALALALAAAAAA thats MEEE​:squinting_face_with_tongue: im sec 4 btw theres gonna be quite a bit here haha. i just want to let it out.

so ever since last year i think i dont go down to the canteen to eat i kinda just stay upstairs in the classrooms and slowly its getting to the point where i get scared of even going to the canteen when its super conscious. i have friends. like everyone likes me and i know that. but i also feel so out of place when im in places like PE class or the canteen. theres no where for me to go. i have close friends in school but they have their own friends and groups too. most of the time, in the classroom during lunch, some of my friends will sit around me and we’ll hang out during breaks but thats it. im really appreciative of them but i dont know. its still awkward for me to follow them down to the canteen even though they ask me to come down with them. i feel like im crashing their group even though i know its okay. heck- they might even think that im part of their friend group! i dont know all i know is that what im doing is getting super bad cause on most days, i dont eat at school at all. i regret it. but im scared of going downstairs i cant help it.

what’s worse is that i think a guy is starting to like me in class and hes started to stay during recess and lunch- sec 4 some more still want to have crush aiyaa​:sob: anyways its giving me a lot of stress since he’s a “friend”(?) but i feel uncomfortable knowing that someone likes me. i’m not the type of person to be confrontational about these things too. im scared of going to school tomorrow cause i dont want to see him. hes a nice guy i guess but i dont want to see him nor interact with him.

moving away from that, i’ve been singing a lot lately since im getting more and more into musical theatre by the day. but i cant help but be embarrassed every time i sing. one time, my big brother told me how he could hear me “loud and clear” repeatedly. im scared to sing now but i still do it- im trying to be strong yknow! i think thats one thing im getting right. i worry for my brother alot too though- in fact for a long period of time this year i despised him. but im over that i think. its just that im still very worried about him and its affecting me.

biggest thing thats crushing me though would probably be my addiction to dopamine? ive been deleting and reinstalling instagram and ive been trying my best to get back on task. but whenever im so close to getting on with what i need to do, i fail. im so scared i know im being left behind and i need good grades. my biggest fear is to be a disappointment and if i dont do well for at least my TP2, im doomed. my TP1 report card looked horrible cause it was filled with VRs from going overseas, making a D1 in science particularly stand out. but oh im so scared im so scared. i dont want to disappoint anyone.

sometimes, i think im imagining my heart beating faster and my chest tightening- making my breathing haggard. this is when im laying down and thinking of all these things and the guilt of being addicted to my phone. ive gotten disgusted by my phone to the point ive gagged and despised it. ironic cause im typing this whole big vent out with my phone.

i enjoy being with my friends. but im so incredibly lonely. i have a band filled with good people but theyre from a different school. i have good friends but theyre from online and theyre overseas; ive been super distant from them though cause they know im busy with real life’s life. i have close and good friends in school but again, i feel like i have no one to really talk to about these things. they all have their own problems and i dont want to bother them at all.

im stressed, im lonely, i feel like everyone hates me sometimes, and im destructive to myself and slowly becoming more oversensitive of the things around me.

i think whats worst part of me, however, is that i know how to improve myself. i just dont do it.

one more thing- dont call me weird because what i do is what i think is normal and funny. or anyone weird for that matter because what do you even mean by that. “the good kind of weird”. what does that even mean? i’d rather be oblivious than know that people think im a weirdo. whats worst is that people dont even remember calling me weird. im becoming way to self conscious about it i dont feel like myself or even know who that person is supposed to be anymore. this “weirdness” im doing doesnt feel like me it just feels like overexaggerated cringe bait cause its popular to do it. i dont know iatcually dont knwkw ahy im saying angmofe. i just do t feel like myself.

if you made it this far into this looong veent, and this js going to mainky be for the topic of weird, remember that whatever you say to someone can have an effect on them. you may forget it but that person may remember it and take it to heart.

heck i suck at remembering but i remember my really nice classmate asking me if i ever get stressed cause i dont seem stressed in the most polite and curious tone ever. totally not her fault but im RIPPING MYSELF TO SHREDS

thanks for reading. i dont even know what i wrote. maybe it all seems too shallow i dont know. i dont know what i want- i just want this year to be over because bad things are happening back to back and i hate it. and maybe i just want one person to know what im going through. i just want one person to know that im pretty human too. i think.

[Rotovap]

hi @user5280 ,

Welcome to the platform!

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings so openly. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot right now and it is completely normal to feel overwhelmed. You should give yourself credit for being aware of what you are feeling and acknowledge them.

Feeling out of place in social settings like the canteen or PE class can be really tough. Maybe start by spending a few minutes in the canteen with your friends and slowly increase the time as you feel more comfortable.

The situation with the guy in your class sounds stressful, especially if you are not ready to deal with those feelings. It is okay to set boundaries and take care of your own comfort first. If you need to, find a quiet place where you can take a break during recess.

It is greate that you have a passion for music and singing. It is natural to feel self-conscious (along with your brother’s comment), but remember that pursuing what you love is important. Keep singing and expressing yourself, even if it feels challenging at times. Try focusing on the joy that singing brings you.

Balancing schoolwork and managing distractions like social media can be difficult (it is good that you are aware of the impact it is having on you). Setting small achievable goals for yourself each day can help you stay on track without feeling overwhelmed, and it is okay to ask for help if you need it.

Feeling lonely despite having friends is a common experience. It is important to find someone you trust to talk about your feelings (even if those people are your friends). Sometimes just sharing how you’re feeling can make a big difference.

Lastly, I want to let you know that it is okay even when others might view you as “weird.” Everyone has unique qualities that make them special. Embrace who you are and try not to let the opinions of others define you.

You are also showing a lot of strength by reaching out and sharing your experiences. Take things one step at a time and seek support when you need it!

[user5280]

thank you ive never felt more validated and seen

[Kanade]

no worries, you’re not weird, you’re uniquely you and I wish I was at least accepted in a way, hope your studies are doing okay, sending support and well wishes!!!
~K

[thursday]

hello, thank you for sharing about your thoughts and welcome to this platform

I understand that you wish that your friends were closer to you, and from experience I tried to get to know more people from my school and build firmer friendships with them onwards through constant long yaps!

And I will like to commend you for knowing your focus, which is to lock in, but you dont know how to tell your guy friend. I understand it is overwhelming at times, and perhaps you can kindly try to talk it out to him if possible.

And I sympathise that sec 4 is indeed one of the most stressful years, feel free to vent here. rooting for you op

[knd]

Wow, so many words haha! Thanks for sharing all that — sounds like you’ve got a lot going on. It’s totally normal to feel awkward or out of place sometimes, especially with stuff like lunch or crushes.

Also, I totally get the singing thing — I do it too! I try singing wayyy out of my abilities, like Mariah Carey songs, and what can I say? A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, living life in this one shot we got haha. I bet my neighbors hear me sometimes too! But hey, as long as it’s not past 10 pm, right? That’s the sg law for noise complaint! So we ain’t wrong! People can only ask us to stop after ten haha😄

I really admire how you keep trying — singing even when embarrassed, wanting to improve. That’s huge! And about the phone stress — breaking things into small steps and being kind to yourself helps.

Everyone feels weird or “not quite themselves” sometimes. You’re definitely not alone, and you’re doing better than you think.

Keep being you! And if you ever wanna vent or chat, We’re here. You got this!

[messedupbun]

Hi @user5280 ,

Wanna say first thank you so much for sharing so vulnerably. If this is the first time or one of the few times you’ve shared openly to someone or on a platform like this, I want to affirm you for that. It’s a good step to not just learning how to depend on others but also learning more about yourself:) And ngl reading your story reminded me of when I was sec 4 haha…

I hear you and it doesn’t seem easy for you now. Sounds like it has been stressful, overwhelming and confusing for you with grades like trying to keep up with expectations, crushes, singing and taking care of yourself while all of this is happening. I just wanna say this soon will pass like everything that you’re facing that seems big or too much for you to handle.

About the situation with the guy in your class, I think it’s wise to have a conversation with him to ask about his feelings and share with that you feel uncomfortable about his feelings for you. Practically I agree with @Rotovap find a quiet space in school and have recess there.

As someone who also sings, I can relate to how you feel. When I first started, I hated hearing my own voice, especially when replaying recordings, and that got amplified when I started to have more opportunities to sing on stage. Maybe something I encourage you to ask yourself is “Do I like singing?” “Do I like musical theatre?” And if the answer is yes, then make that your conviction to tell yourself and anyone that you’re practicing because you like it, you care about it a lot and that’s why you’re practicing to hone your craft. Because that’s part of the process to becoming a better singer. If your brother comes to you and comments about your singing again, have a conversation with him about it. Tell him gently that you’re doing this because you want to improve and suggest to him a solution like wear headphones while you’re practicing. It can be scary but it will help you in being more confident in voicing out your needs.

And I want to let you know as well that you’re doing great where you are right now as someone who wants to grow in character and is disciplined in the things you are responsible for. Those are good traits to have that are helpful in the long run! Hope that as you slowly at your own pace meet and talk to more friends that you’ll find people who you can relate to and realise that you are not alone💛