I feel there are some guys taking advantage of me and my kindness

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
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I’m a girl who gives listening ear, caring, nice, easy-going, flexible and rarely give
judgemental look. I’m also introvert and reserved. In fact, my parents told me that I look innocent because of my round face.

However, I interact with 2 guys, one at work and the other one I met at the social event,
and I feel uncomfortable because of their intrusive behaviour and feeling obligated to
them and their feelings.

Let me start off with the guy (colleague A) at work, during the discussion, I told one male
colleague that supervisor say that “he can never be a good leader” despite being senior
for 5 years and I also told him that the supervisor dislike him as a warning to him. Next, colleague A asks me to say nice to him after I told him the hard truth. When colleague A comes back after lunch and ask me whether I say nice to him, I jokingly say haven’t because I feel awkward what to say to him, colleague A slap my shoulder until painful and say “tch”. I’m shocked and uneasy around him. Other times, I pointed out his
mistakes and questioning him of his delay response, he turn around and say “maybe
you never feel it because you never get scolded by supervisor” and “I thought I could
trust you!” and keep on interrupting me whenever I explain the work task to him.

The 2nd guy I met at the social event, I thought of him as nice and genuine but he
persistently saying that when he go for social event, he dislike people asks him about
job title when he is just a student, he felt that when he go for social event, he gets the
feeling of being judge. Other times I met him on outings, he says that he has little friends, friends never last for 6 months, many of them ghosted or blocked, he feel safe
when he shares his feelings with me especially about his medical conditions, he told me that he’s immature, annoying and he admits that he force people to go with him to
many places in Singapore. And he told me that I should voice out to him and my concerns and says that he has no bad intention. He mentions that guys shouldn’t gossip about women’s appearance among themselves and straight up be direct with a women. However, he put his arms around me to take a sefie with him, grab my wrist to do a fist bump, touch my mouth to remove something from my mouth, slap my thigh to force me to watch the sunset with him, he brings me to place (a staircase in MRT station) that is off-limited and urge me to hurry up. In September, he confessed his feelings to me that he felt safe, special and magical when he goes out with me. I clarify with him if he wants a date of gf? He reply that that he wants a date as gf is very rush for him. I tell him that I reject his dating but continue the platonic realtionship with him. I also told him to not touch me anymore as I value personal space.

However, last weekend, is the last straw I had with him, I went out with him, he keeps on asking me about my outfits, my moles on my arms and face, ask me whether I got other
friends who are guys, I tell him to wait outside the retail shop as he carries a coffee and I’m shocked that he was suddenly behind me when I look for him, he mocks my spelling,
pronunciation, call me naughty and funny girl. Whenever I reject his offer to do activities with me (go to KL, running, Spanish class, go to other places), he keeps on questioning me like “why you don’t want? and “You trust me or not?” And when I clarify with him, he shoot at me and asks “Just trust me lah, why you keep on asking?”, imitate my gestures and lightly punch my arm.

I want to write this because I have not much close friends throughout my schooling and
career but going through the experience of interacting with these 2 guys who bahave
“friendly”, I felt emotionally overwhelm as I realize that I have been taking advantage by people who wants to be a center of attention and friendly to everyone around them. And I even felt my kindness is taking for granted. I felt stress on top of work and study a specialist diploma and I fall sick more often this year

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Dear @user7009

Thank you for writing in to share what has happened recently. What you’re feeling makes a lot of sense. You come across as a gentle, kind and polite person. Unfortunately some people mistake kindness and politeness as weaknesses and take advantage of these qualities. It is not your fault or doing.

With your colleague, being slapped on the shoulder, talked down to, and guilt-tripped is not acceptable behaviour. I see these acts as overstepping professional and personal boundaries. Understandably, you felt shocked and uneasy. For your safety, I encourage you to keep your distance, stay professional and limit interactions to work matters only.

Doing that is a necessary protective response. Do also consider writing out about all incidents and bring up to your company’s Human Resources. Speaking up may help in highlighting likely breaches of employee code of conduct.

With the second guy, you told him upfront that you only wanted a platonic relationship and asked him not to touch you. Despite that he continued to question, pressure, mock, and touch you. That is not respectful nor acceptable, especially when you already warned him. I gather how emotionally unsafe you must be feeling. Anyone in your shoes will feel similarly. The man has blatantly and repeatedly ignored boundaries and hides wrongful actions behind words such as “trust” or “no bad intention.”

It makes sense that you have been feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and even physically unwell.

Please know that you have every right to feel safe. You do not need grant access to anyone who makes you uncomfortable, does not respect your wishes and oversteps clear set boundaries. In this situation, cutting contact with the second guy is a healthy act of self-respect.

Please be assured your kindness is your strength, not a weakness. However when others take advantage of your kindness, you have every right to defend yourself.:yellow_heart:

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