Hi whoever who is reading this, I’m sorry for writing very long about my rant.
I am a 25 years old male individual this year and I have been questioning myself a lot this same question over and over again throughout my education path.
Being an ITE student, I felt that we are normally quite loud and direct at times. As times goes on and I finish my H-Nitec and move out to Poly and currently now pursuing my uni bachelor. I will encounter this feeling and questioned myself and start overthinking.
One recent example of mine:
My uni camp coms are looking for a big place to host the camp commitees and celebrate CNY. Thus, since being as a member, some of our personal info like address and stuff have to provide in case of emergency.
So one of the camp head ask me privately if they could host this CNY gathering at my house as they know my house is huge and can cater 30pax to 50pax. So I ask my parents for permission and they questioned me if the house will be cleaned after the gathering. I did assure them as I thought that uni students should be aware of the surrouding better and more sensible. I did agree to lend my house to host this CNY gathering and also help with the planning and preparation for this gathering.
On the D-Day of this gathering, I didn’t really enjoy myself as I felt that I am serving ppl who came from the commitee like a servant instead of a friend. They create a huge mess of the house. Then I thought to myself that they are big enough to be sensible to behave properly and offer their helping hand if they see.
But I was wrong. They didn’t not offer help to clean the house, despite the fact that they are the one who ask me to lend them my house to cater this gathering. Even as I was cleaning the mess that they created on the floor, they just look and continue doing whatever they are doing.
After most of them left, I spent about 2hrs to clean the house alone. I thought to myself: " Is it that I am too nice till people just take me as an advantage to use me? Should I even show these emotions and thoughts in front of the Com head about such stuff as they may say that I am making such a big fuss about things, etc?"
Please advise me and share with me your thoughts about this. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing your feelings with us, I hear you and it sounds like you’re facing a challenging situation and struggling with feelings of being taken advantage of by others. I can understandable that it feels disappointing and frustrating when your generosity is not reciprocated, especially after putting in effort to host a gathering and clean up afterward.
Firstly, I want to acknowledge that your feelings are valid, and it’s actually very common to question your own actions and motives when faced with situations like this, but I want you to remember that you have the right to assert your boundaries and communicate your needs.
I do have some suggestions that you can try:
Set clear boundaries Try your best to reflect on what you’re comfortable with and establish clear boundaries for yourself. It’s okay to say no if you’re not comfortable lending your house or if you have concerns about how it will be treated. You can communicate your boundaries assertively and respectfully to others, and don’t be afraid to enforce them if necessary.
Communicate openly and honestly with them Try to express your concerns and expectations calmly and constructively to the people involved. Most of the time, effective communication can help clarify misunderstandings and prevent similar issues from arising in the future.
Empower yourself! Do remember that you have the power to control your own actions and reactions. Instead of focusing on how others perceive you or worrying about being taken advantage of, focus on empowering yourself by practicing self-care, assertiveness, and self-compassion to build resilience and confidence in handling similar situations in the future.
Lastly, remember that your worth is not determined by how much you do for others or how they perceive you.
I encourage you to take some time to reflect on this experience and consider how you can advocate for yourself more effectively in the future Remember to surround yourself with supportive people who respect your boundaries and appreciate your kindness. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect in all your interactions!
Let us know how you’re coping now and if you’ve taken any steps to overcome this. Hope to hear from you soon!
Hey @MR-J, hmmm wah I can get why this might feel sien cleaning up after a mess which wasn’t yours I think I agree with what @cottonsoul mentioned before the gathering should set some boundaries like everyone should help clean up after the event and treat your house with respect. Otherwise I think you can try bringing up to the com head the next time they ask to borrow your house and hold it else where instead.
I think you’re very kind and gracious to open up your house for the gathering. You didn’t have to, but you did anyway as a nice friend.
Whether you raise it up to your comm head or not depends on how much you cherish the friendship I guess. If you want to continue the friendship then it might be good to clear the air and come to a common understand for future meetups (even if it’s not at your house). But if you don’t think you’ll be friends with this group anymore then can just take this as a one-off incident. At least y’all end off on a good note rather than risk getting into a quarrel.
This goes to show that everyone has a different understanding of what courtesy means. But at the same time maybe it’s also the herd mentality where people behave different in groups. So in your case, maybe if no one stepped up to clean, no one else would take the lead.
But like what @Otterworldly said, can find a time where both of you are comfortable although I don’t think there’s much your comm head can do except for listening to you and maybe promising to clean up the next time.
Try your best to reflect on what you’re comfortable with and establish clear boundaries for yourself. It’s okay to say no if you’re not comfortable lending your house or if you have concerns about how it will be treated. You can communicate your boundaries assertively and respectfully to others, and don’t be afraid to enforce them if necessary.
I think I agree with what 