The title says it all, really. I recently started a new job two months ago and I’ve really been struggling to cope. I’m 25 this year, if that helps to put things into perspective. I don’t know if I’m the problem and making it seem worse than it is or if it’s a real issue. I took this job because I was desperate; I lost my first contract job in March (they didn’t want to renew my contact) and my bosses were very frank with me, telling me that I was “slow to learn”, that they expected me to be further along in my responsibilities already. It was a very small company where the bosses weren’t around a lot, and I was the only one in my role, so I didn’t have anyone to ask for help from but my bosses, who weren’t around to train me properly. Admittedly, I did mentally check out towards the end of the contract, and I have learnt from that experience.
Now I have a permanent position in a medium sized company. My head of department admitted to me that the role I picked up is very much experimental, and that the people they hired before weren’t really good fits. That should’ve been my first red flag, but I was desperate for a job, as I was worried that I wouldn’t find a job after a long time, and I had a holiday planned (I’m actually flying off next Monday haha). So I took the job. It was a step up from my previous company— the benefits are good and the pay is a lot higher, so I can’t complain.
But I can see the same cycle happening again. For context, I joined the company on a THURSDAY, and my senior in my department went on holiday literally the next week. So I had basically less than a day of training, as I had to wait for my laptop on the first day, and she wasn’t around the whole day on Friday. Then when she came back, there wasn’t really anything to follow up on anything. She kind of verbally told me what I had to do, and I slowly picked it up. I’m two months into my job and honestly I still feel quite lost about certain things, but I think I have a better comprehension of my tasks. The issue is that every time something new comes up, and I try to ask for help, my senior gives me some half-baked answer and expects me to figure it out by myself because “it’s my job”. Yesterday she very gently told me off before clocking out because I kept asking her questions to double check on my work (I admit, maybe I’m a bit paranoid about messing up, but in my head it’s always better to just ask and do it once and do it right, rather than to do it myself and mess up), and that “you’re already two months into this job, don’t you know what you’re doing?”
I don’t really know if I’m overthinking things to make the narrative fit my view so that I can feel better about myself, or if things are that bad, I guess? I know that there were many people in my role before that did temp work, then quit after a few months of being perm. Is it just like, is it a me problem? Does my senior not like me? Because she talks to everyone nicely but it feels like she actively avoids talking to me whenever she can (I’ve felt that way ever since the first week I joined, and she wasn’t even in Singapore lol).
I’m a very pragmatic person, and I would like to stay for at least a year in this company before quitting, so it’ll look good on my resume, but ever since I started working here I’ve been crying so much at home and at work. I’ve been crying at my desk literally openly for everyone to see because I cannot keep my tears in. I think it’s also cus there’s some stuff in my personal life that’s really stressing my out; my grandfather is sick and my mum might have breast cancer, so she might not be able to work if she gets surgery. I want to stay in this job cus it’s a decent enough pay, and I don’t want our family to go broke if my mum doesn’t work (she’s the highest earner in the house).
I don’t know what to do. I want to find another job (my probation is 6 months), but I know that my resume is very scant, so finding another perm job might be hard. And what it I can’t find another job that matches the pay I’m getting now? What if they ask why I have such a big gap in my resume? What if I’m the problem and no matter where I go, I will hate my job?
I feel so terrible. I keep bringing negative energy home when everyone’s already stressed out, and I feel so awful about it. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I dread coming to work everyday. I used to cry before coming to work everyday in my first month cus I was so scared, and every time I think that I have a grasp on what to do, something explodes in my face.
Idk, if anyone more experienced here has any advice, I would really appreciate it. My parents have said that if it’s really affecting my mental health, that I can find another job during my probation period. I’m considering that, but would quitting so early feel like a cop out? I would have to check my notice period during my probation first to see if it’s even worth it. Like if I have to serve a one month notice then I might as well keep working until a year, right? Any advice would be greatly appreciated :')
