Hi @aiximi,
When you mentioned "This feels so dramatic and corny… " and yet you still typed it out, even while cringing and apologising. That already tells me something important about how much this has been sitting inside you.
Reading your post, what stood out was how closely and carefully you’ve been observing yourself over a long period of time. I find myself wondering what first prompted that level of self-attention. Was there a moment, an experience, or something someone said that made you start questioning whether there was more of yourself?
You mentioned not having an established friend group in school. That can quietly shape how someone makes sense of themselves. When school is the main social world and there isn’t a strong sense of belonging, it’s common for doubts to turn inward. I’m curious whether you’ve had any chance to build connections outside of school, even in small or informal ways, or whether school has felt like the only place where you’re seen and evaluated.
About the procrastination, what you described sounds less like choosing not to do the work and more like being unable to start, even when there are consequences. That distinction matters. I wonder what meaning you make of those moments when you’re supposed to begin. Is it fear of doing badly, feeling overwhelmed, or a sense of shutting down before you even touch the task? Sometimes it isn’t the assignment that stops someone, but what completing it might say about them.
You also shared about pulling out your hair, and that isn’t easy to admit. On the surface, it does sound painful, and yet the behaviour continues. Often, that’s because the action isn’t about pain, but about relieving tension, calming something inside, or momentarily switching off. Many people don’t fully notice it happening until the effects become visible. It’s usually a sign that something has been building up for a long time without a safe outlet.
What felt most important in your post was the shame you carry about being “a nuisance,” and the thought that your absence might make things easier for others. That sounds like someone who has learned to feel guilty for needing help at all. Wanting support is not something to be ashamed of. When people care, your presence matters more than you realise, and your absence would not bring them peace.
There was nothing weird about the way you wrote. The spontaneity actually suggests honesty. You didn’t over-edit or filter yourself, and that takes courage, even if it feels uncomfortable afterward. Sometimes speaking in that unpolished way is how people first begin to be real with themselves.
For now, it might help to stay curious rather than critical as you notice these patterns. Not “what is wrong with me,” but “what might this be telling me about what I need.”
We can slow this down. Do tell us more when you are ready?
