Is it normal to always find fault with myself?

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
1

I’m quite an introspective person, and also avoidance is my go-to coping mechanism for any sort of situation. So whenever I develop negative emotions about something that happened or what somebody said, I would start to rationalise their behaviours and find reasons to give them the benefit of doubt. In contrast, I’d also start find fault with my own behaviours and reflect on how I could have handled it better, or proactively mitigate it.

Like I think there’s a healthy threshold at which such introspection and reflection can lead to personal growth. But I also wonder whether the extend to which I have such thoughts is healthy, and how to stop myself before I go over that line. There are times when I consult close friends about a situation and I find myself repeatedly hedging my POV (e.g. “maybe I should have done XYZ”, or “I could said ABC”), and downplaying the severity of the situation by rationalising the other party’s behaviours (e.g. “oh but perhaps they did that because…”, “I understand that they didn’t know…”, “it was partly my fault cos”). And at times these friends have told me that I was being too harsh on myself.

The thing is I think I do know deep down that I’m not at fault, and most of the time I don’t think I am unreasonably critical of myself. I just think that I have very little control about other people’s think, do, and say. So the only way I can make myself feel that I can respond to these negative situations in a positive way is to find ways I can change my own behaviours or improve myself to avoid similar things from happening again.

Is this train of thought normal? Or am I just avoiding confrontation by distracting myself with “things I could do better”?

Honestly, I can feel myself burning out and getting more and more frustrated especially when a tough situation at work isn’t improving. And I feel like coping in the way that I have been coping isn’t helping.

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Hi fifteendaffodils

Thank you for coming forward so courageously on a topic which I can see is affecting you tremendously. I commend you for having a high level of self awareness. For example you recognise that you have an introspective nature and tendency to rationalize others’ behaviors while being critical of yourself.

These are surprisingly common traits, especially among those who are self-aware and always striving for personal growth. In my opinion, it is a strength, this ability to self evaluate.
However, if overused, this pattern may be leading you to burnout and frustration, which is a signal that it might be time to reassess how you cope with negative emotions and interpersonal conflicts. I believe the following could be useful :

Understanding Your Coping Mechanism
Introspection can be a powerful tool for personal growth, allowing you to reflect on your actions and learn from experiences. However, it can become counterproductive if it leads to excessive self-blame or if you find yourself constantly rationalizing others’ behaviors at the expense of your own feelings.

Avoidance as a Coping Strategy
Avoidance can provide temporary relief from discomfort, but it often prevents you from addressing the underlying issues. By focusing on what you could have done differently, you may be avoiding the confrontation or acknowledgment of how others’ actions impact you.

Recognizing the Signs of Burnout
Burnout can manifest in various ways, including:
Emotional Exhaustion: Feeling drained and unable to cope.
Reduced Performance: Difficulty concentrating or feeling ineffective.
Cynicism: Developing a negative outlook toward work or relationships.
Physical Symptoms: Headaches, fatigue, or changes in sleep patterns.
If you’re experiencing any of these symptoms, it’s essential to prioritize self-care and reassess your coping strategies.

Here are some strategies for healthy coping for you to consider adopting:

  1. Set Boundaries
    Establishing boundaries is crucial for your emotional well-being. This might involve limiting the time you spend with people who drain your energy or learning to say no to additional responsibilities that contribute to your stress.
  2. Practice Self-Compassion
    Instead of being critical of yourself, practice self-compassion. Acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes and that it’s okay to feel hurt or frustrated. Remind yourself that your feelings are valid, and it’s important to treat yourself with kindness.
  3. Challenge Negative Thoughts
    When you find yourself rationalizing others’ behaviors or downplaying your feelings, challenge those thoughts. Ask yourself:
    Is this thought helping me?
    What evidence do I have that supports or contradicts this thought?
    How would I advise a friend in this situation?
  4. Focus on What You Can Control
    While you cannot control others’ actions, you can control your responses. Identify what aspects of the situation you can influence and focus your energy there. This could involve setting clear expectations at work or communicating your feelings to those involved.
  5. Engage in Healthy Outlets
    Find constructive ways to express and process your emotions. This could include:
    Journaling: Write about your feelings and experiences to gain clarity.
    Physical Activity: Engage in exercise or outdoor activities to relieve stress.
    Creative Outlets: Explore hobbies like art, music, or writing to channel your emotions.
  6. Seek Professional Support
    If you find that your coping strategies are leading to burnout and frustration, consider talking to a therapist. A mental health professional can help you explore these patterns, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and provide support as you navigate difficult situations.

Your introspective nature and desire for self-improvement are desirable traits, but it’s good to strike a balance that protects your emotional well-being. By recognizing the signs of burnout and implementing healthier coping strategies, you can create a more positive environment for yourself. Remember, it’s okay to seek help and prioritize your own needs in the process. You deserve to feel supported and understood, both by yourself and by others. :heart: