Came here to rant, but I scrolled for a bit and reading that so many other people struggle with their parents made me a bit sad. I wonder if somewhere out there, there are people who actually grew up having a healthy relationship with their parents. I’d hope so.
Anyway, rant time. Backstory is, my dad was a typical asian dad when I was growing up, complete with a cane and everything (do modern asian parents still have that ■■■■?). Discipline equaled punishment in the form of caning when me and my siblings didn’t do homework, follow our bedtime or touched my parents things without permission. I for one, have struggled with doing homework and misplacing my things since I was in kindergarten so naturally I got caned a ■■■■ ton.
Went through the phase of being brainwashed innocent kid who was mad about getting caned but believed my dad was only doing it for my sake, then when I got older I realised getting caned is literal violence? Does physical violence become acceptable if you call it discipline? But by that point he’d stopped caning me and we could actually have discussions and dialogue sometimes. He was trying and I am not one to hold grudges. I thought he’d changed.
Enter my brother. My baby brother and the rest of my siblings have an age gap of about a decade. This child is being raised in front of my eyes and you’d think, after having raised a couple of other kids who have explained to my father how scarring his “discipline” was and how those scars stain his relationship with his children even today, that my father would have taken the hint. Would raise his youngest without raising his hand, would seize this opportunity to give one of his a children a happy, healthy parent-child relationship. But no.
He canes my brother for not sleeping at his bedtime, throws my brothers things away, threatens the cane when my brother makes stupid noises like children are supposed to do. And I see that he hasn’t changed. I see that if the current version of him had to deal with 9 year old me, he’d treat me with the same violence. Explain to me how someone can have so many children, say they don’t regret it, and then quite literally hate children? It confounds me that he could cross so many lines and say “I did it because I care about you”.
I wonder if he genuinely believes that. If you can’t afford patience and understanding for your children, don’t have them. And now I have to parent my parent to try and get him to see that the cane is not the answer while watching my brother at all times to make sure he doesn’t trigger my father’s anger. How am I supposed to live my own life? The lack of emotional maturity my father has makes my blood boil.
It’s tiring.
Hey OP,
I get what you feel. As someone who’s been reading and replying to forums on this platform, it disheartens me how so many have a strained relationship with their parents due to how their parents treated them. I’m really sorry that you have to be the one to tell your dad how to be a good parent; however, it warms my heart that you wish your younger brother to have a better life than you did.
You ask if there are people who grew up having a healthy relationship with their parents. Well, I’m kind of iffy with my mother, but I can tell you that my dad was a great role model. He was the sole breadwinner of the family, working as a professor in university. He supported my hobbies and interests and bought me tools I needed whenever we had any spare money. He was also the one who fought for me to go for an art degree when my mum was very much against it. He wasn’t really perfect, and he had his shortcomings. But I’m happy that he raised me to have good morals and values, and he taught me to be patient, hard-working, and determined to keep going even when things are rough. He passed away 6 years ago. I have friends who still have both their mum and dad and have a better relationship with them. Deep down, it makes me jealous that I can’t have what they have.
I hope that your dad will wake up and see how his actions are only hurting your younger brother. And I hope that you’ll be able to live your own life without having your dad drag you down with him.
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Sorry to hear that, are u Gen Y or Z? I do feel the younge gen parents tend to be more lenient. Have u googled emo immature adults/parents? Theyre like kids in adult bodies 
, i have such folk too
Thats horrible whats happening. (I alm comment something strong but theres a mod so cant)
Hey @gaundice,
Thank you for sharing this and I’m so sorry to hear what you had went through in your childhood, and I’m also sorry that you have to look out for your younger brother because you father does not want to listen to you on what’s helpful in upbringing a child. However, I’m glad to hear that you’re trying your best to make your younger brother’s childhood better.
I’m not too sure how old your dad is, but I think he’s probably doing what his parents did when he was young, with the traditional mindset of what fathers do in a family, like being the breadwinner of the family and equating caning to discipline. My dad has this traditional mindset too, and he refuses to change despite how much my mom or us tell him. I guess maybe change his hard for him. But I think this may be what your dad is doing too. And yes, it really makes me angry too. But I guess when I think from their POV, they don’t know better. That being said, I also feel it’s not right to do so, and it seems that your efforts to persuade him has not been successful. Afterall, it’s difficult to change someone else if they do not want to change.
I think the best thing you can do now is be there for your brother, to support him and love him to the best of your ability. But do also remember to prioritise your own mental health and well-being. If it gets too much, it’s ok to take a step back. May I also check if your mother would be able to talk to your dad about this?
Look out for yourself too and we’re here for you 
Oh u had such a nice dad @LitCandle1505
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