I do not like my dad in the way you do not like a general person, like someone from school who you dislike because they are not the type of person for you. My dad does everything opposite from how I would do it. He is loud, talks and sings constantly, and smokes all of the time. And I can not stand people like this I could up until a point but I have been dealing with his constant noise for 18 years and I can not take it. Now every time he talks it makes me want to scream because he just does not stop. The next thing that makes me dislike him is how he micromanages everything I do, he thinks he is an authority on all aspects of my life. I am and avid runner and run on my schools XC team and he will tell me what I should have done during my race, or how I should have done my training different or how my strategy was wrong, mind you I have been running varsity XC for 5 years and he has never ran a few miles in his life, let alone enough to give him any authority over how I should have ran. Another example of this is how I make conversation with him. If I am saying something, a line of thinking, and he does not understand what I am saying he will start getting mad at me as if I am undermining him or trying to start an argument even when I just am stating my opinion like he conflates me having a different opinion as an argument and not a conversation. This also means that most of my conversations with him end up as an argument since he doesn’t know how to take in others opinions. I often wonder if I just do not understand what familial love is supposed to be. I really don’t understand how it is supposed to feel. I feel impartial to my family, because why am I supposed to love them automatically, And why must they love me? I believe they should provide and take care of me and give me guidance, but do those things require love? Is that not just what a family is supposed to do. I do those things for others with out loving them, it is more out of politeness and decorum that family should provide for each other. I do not need to love my dad for him to do what a father is supposed to do and I do not need him to love me. But I do need him to provide for me and take care of me which he often does not do because he does not show me respect or value my opinions. So I ask two things: is my understanding of the family dynamic wrong or misguided? and Am I wrong for having distain for my father even though he has not physically abused me?
Thank you for opening up and sharing what you have experienced for a long time. I sense the hurt you are feeling and I think It makes sense that you feel resentment toward your father even if he has never physically abused you.
Reading your post I see that there is constant criticism and micromanaging. Hence you are feeling unheard, and have rarely felt respected. This has understandably resulted in the built up of many years of frustration and invalidation.
I gather you have learned to see family as obligation instead of emotional closeness because the relationship has been emotionally draining for you.
May I gently suggest that you focus less on “forcing love” and more on creating healthier boundaries. Try limiting arguments that go nowhere, avoid seeking validation from him in areas where he constantly criticises you, and spend more time around people and activities that helps you feel calm, valued and respected.
If these frustrations persist, talking to a counsellor or using resources available at the mindline site could also help you process the resentment before it turns into constant anger. For immediate support and guidance on next steps speak to a national mindline counsellor reachable round the clock at 1771.
I encourage you to reach out for much deserved support soon.
Hey @affectionatemint5011, replying rather late, but I want to affirm that the way you feel is valid and you are not wrong for having this opinion of your father. Sounds like he has the tendency to micromanage and loses his temper on you without basis. You are right to question why you should immediately love someone just because they are family. Same as respect, personally, I believe that love is something that grows with time and cannot be forced. To further answer your question, I don’t believe that physical abuse is the only reason one should dislike a parent. Emotional abuse and poor treatment are valid reasons too. As @CaringBee has suggested, it may help to reduce your interactions with him, where possible, to give yourself some peace of mind, instead of constantly feeling on edge around him. I hope this helped, take care! 