just to start with some context. my industry is not a corporate 9-5, what i do is more physical and i’m currently still under probation. and i apologise in advance for the really long “rant”.
firstly, on work life balance. i live a little far from work and it takes a bit over an hour to travel. so i wake up at 6am ish, leave home before 6:40am, reach work by 8am which lasts till 5:30pm or sometimes slightly later, have dinner at the work cafeteria and head home, reaching back around 8pm or slightly later. after washing up, i’m left with just about an hour or so to properly rest and wind down before going to sleep by around 10:30-11pm. life feels like it just revolves around and nothing else anymore, i dont even have much time to rest or do anything outside of work and its really draining. is this the same for everyone?
second, ive been struggling to arrive to work on time. my workplace is rather strict on it (certain no. of times = warning letter and no bonus) and some people are rather displeased with me on this which is valid. ive been late 5 times so far, ranging from less than 5mins to less than 15mins. i admit this is on me though. its not on purpose, ive been trying really hard but im just so extremely exhausted. i didn’t expect public transport to take much longer than usual on the weekends when i first started (yes i work both weekends). i take grab when im late but some days the traffic is just too heavy, but i never bother to give excuses because i dont see the point. it was still my fault for not being able to wake up.
third, im not getting along really well with my team and i wonder if im really the problem? it’s a little difficult to explain without revealing too much but i will share some examples briefly.
the same mistakes made by different people in the team have different consequences. nobody talks when the ones who did it are the staffs who have been here longer or in higher positions. among the new staff, im older than the other and closer in age group to the other longer term staff, so i cant get away with mistakes as easily as the younger one. im also the kind who is quieter and i dont know how to lighten the mood when being approached about things, so it makes it seem more serious. something else that is really draining is how i try my best to be considerate of others but i feel like i dont receive the same treatment. when they make small mistakes, i just keep quiet and fix it for them. i dont ask about it or tell anyone. however its not the same for me.
something else that caused me a lot of stress is a particular member that dislikes me. sometimes when i make a mistake, i stand aside and watch while she helps to rectify. in a way its because it was my task and it doesnt really feel right to just walk away, as if i am pushing the responsibility to her. also, i just thought its only right to observe what she does to fix it so i know in the future. but she seems to dislike it and always says “you can just go do other stuff first dont need to keep staring” and literally wave me off. this really puts me in a spot because its not like i can just be “oh oops sorry” and just walk away after finding out there was something wrong with what i was doing? what else was i supposed to do? she has also complained to others that i was slow in completing my work. she is not happy that when she is alone, she can finish everything including what i do all by herself, but when we split i still take just as long. in her words, i am very slow but its not that i cant do it, can is can. if i really wanted to i can try harder and be fast. it seems to imply she thinks im just simply not putting in effort, but thats really not the case. i was just trying my best to ensure whatever i did was done properly and well, and truth be told my speed has not negatively affected anyone or gave more workload. ive also recently realised that though they are fast, sometimes the work they did is not very well done, but as a new staff, it feels like i cant win either ways. if i do it sloppily, i might get criticised for it too. she also never approached or spoke me to any of these feedback, so i never knew how people felt about it. it i had known i was taking too long, i would definitely have rectified it.
there are other incidents where i felt targeted, like when someone insisted that i take up another task even though i was still doing something, everyone else was free and someone else already volunteered to do it.
there are many other things that i cant go into detail on but all in all, it just feels that i get treated unfairly, i feel really misunderstood sometimes and feel like my effort doesnt get seen, and its all just really draining. honestly even if i had a chance to stand up for myself, i wouldnt because i dont see the point. if someone already thinks that way, whatever i say will just be excuses and still nothing will change. everything is causing me so much stress and im so tired, every single one of my dreams is just something bad happening at work. i want to leave the job but i also fear that everywhere will be the same or even worse.
like what 
but thankful I get to chat like that - that is helping alittle 
cuz I really love helping people