Hi @Lpeter,
Thank you for being so open about something that must be incredibly difficult to admit. The fact that you’re reaching out means that you’re already fighting for change, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. I hear you, and I see how much you want a different life.
It sounds like you’re feeling trapped in a cycle that you desperately want to break free from. That frustration, that exhaustion of trying again and again but finding yourself back in the same place—I can imagine how discouraging that must feel. And on top of that, you’re carrying a deep sense of shame, which makes it even harder to ask for help.
I want to acknowledge something important: Addiction does not define who you are. You are not “bad” for struggling with this. Compulsion is not a choice—it’s something the brain wires itself into over time. The fact that you feel disgusted by your actions means that this addiction does not align with your true values. And that’s a powerful thing
You mentioned that you dream of a healthy family, a future where you no longer struggle with this. That dream is valid, and it is possible. Right now, it might feel impossible because you’ve tried to quit before and relapsed. But recovery is not about never failing—it’s about learning what makes you relapse and changing the patterns around it.
In learning what makes you find yourself doing it again, you may consider reflecting on the following:
- When do these urges hit the hardest? (Is it at night? When stressed? When alone?)
- When was the last time you successfully resisted an urge? (Even if only for a short time—what was different in that moment?)
- What do you believe will happen if you seek professional help? (What are you most afraid of?)
I hear that you’re afraid of leaving a “record.” That makes sense, especially if you’re worried about future career opportunities or stigma. But there are options for confidential and judgement-free support:
- Private therapists: Many do not keep official diagnostic records unless necessary.
- Support groups: Some are even online and anonymous.
- Self-help strategies: If professional help feels too overwhelming, we can explore small changes to regain control.
Here are more options to consider:
CHAT—The Community Health Assessment Team (CHAT) provides confidential mental health checks for young persons between 16 and 30 years old who are currently living in Singapore. They operate CHAT Hub, a mental health centre located at *SCAPE, and maintain an online presence through their website and webchat.
6493 6500
6493 6501
https://www.chat.mentalhealth.sg/
Fei Yue Community Services—LIVE CHAT eC2 is an online facility offering free counselling to youths. http://www.ec2.sg/
TOUCH Community Services—TOUCHline: Emotional support and practical advice are rendered through this youth helpline
1800 377 2252
Mandarin Speaking,
Care Corner
Hotline for the Mandarin-speaking community facing mental health problems or distressing family situations
1800 353 5800
Right now, more than anything, I want you to know: You are not beyond help. You are not doomed to this life forever. Change doesn’t happen overnight, but it does happen in small, consistent steps. Whenever you’re ready, we are here to help you figure out what’s next. No pressure. No shame. Just support. 