Am I giving too much?

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
1

Hi, I am in a predicament situation.

I had broken up with my partner but we decided to go back to “dating” phase without any commitments. There were various reasons, but the main reason was that I was too clingy.

I was hurt and upset about it but decided to try it out again because I really love them so much.

At first, it started out shaky because knowing that we’re no longer committed to one another, I can’t go to them for everything. I had to learn how to be independent again. I had give them more space. I had to find other personal hobbies to distract myself. I had to seek counselling to better myself. Set boundaries. I’m doing everything to make them feel comfortable being with me again. But it felt like they had forgotten that I have feelings.

As days passes by, the calls and messages between us decreases. We barely meet anymore. All because they need space, they’re tired from their daily life. I understand that and didn’t bother them as much. I continued giving them space. I will only reply their messages or meet up with them if they messaged me first or asked for a meet-up. I would not initiate it because as mentioned, they wanted space.

But today, all I asked for is one call and all they said was “See how. I’ll let you know later.” It was so cold. And they proceeded to ignore me for hours.

With that reply, I felt nothing like a person they’re dating. I felt like someone less than a friend. I felt like I’m no longer their priority. I felt my feelings were being taken for granted.

I am… upset. Felt unfair. I’m doing everything to make them feel comfortable but they’re doing nothing to make me feel happy. But yet, I still stayed in this “situationship” because I love them too much. Am I doing too much? I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do. Is this even normal?

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Hi Potatoed

Thank you for reaching out for help in this difficult situation. It takes a lot of courage to pour your heart out :heart: and I am sad to hear how hurt you are feeling. Your feelings are 100% valid, real and understandable.
I can see you have been investing a lot into this situationship, but your experience so far suggests the other party has not been mutually reciprocal and appreciative of you.
May I encourage you to:
a)seek help from a counsellor to fully process and identify what you want and need in your relationships.

b)show yourself self-compassion and kindness. Be fully honest to yourself, reflect deeply on what you deserve and consider whether your love for them is overshadowing your own self-worth and happiness. Remember your self-worth is in your own hands.

c)If possible, set up a meeting with them to communicate how you have been feeling about their recent behaviour. Work out and agree on certain boundaries that both sides can use as guidelines.

d)Widen your circle of friendships and get to know more people. Observe healthy relationships around you that are nurturing, respectful and mutually beneficial.

Friendships of all types require mutual respect, communication and honesty. You fully fully deserve that, nothing less. Please take good care of yourself at all times. :heart: