Help with my relationship

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
1

Hi, I’ve been wanting to share this to someone who is professional to advice me on my matter but I have a couple of things I’ve experienced myself, at least for the entirety of my adulthood.

As soon as I turned 20 everything just crumbled on me when I knew I had to live in Singapore alone and independently (without my parents) and continue my schooling from there on. I have to eventually work as well afterwards.

After starting to live by myself for a month, I had a very bad break up with a 2 years relationship, and it wasn’t even a decent breakup, it was a breakup over text accompanied by isolation and blocking. 2 years of relationship vanish just like that.
A month later I found a guy who was good enough for me compared to the last one. I wasn’t exactly ready to hop on a relationship but my feelings for him swindled fast and hop onto about relationship journey within a week. I knew I was flawed and broken at the start but I still went on with it.

I realized that the relationship got myself into so many emotional breakdown because I couldn’t handle my emotion well. For some reason i do feel like I am the one starting the feud and start degrading myself after. I don’t know why I just can’t think of good ways to make the situation better but instead I mope around and feel like I’m not good enough, like I’ve done the damage and it’s too late for me to make the situation better, and thought that I am not suitable to be with him, it’s not fair for him. And if verbally tell him that I’d rather he doesn’t have to deal with me and move on from me. Every night calls always turns into an argument by me. It’s been 4 years with my partner and I have yet to control it.

We had a fair share or trying to explain each others flaws, how he like to give me solutions to my problems while I want him to listen while sometimes that isn’t the case I want, and he gets really confused by me. And we get into those situation more often every week. It’s starting to tire us both and it’s really affecting me mentally. That I am the cause of all this and I myself unconsciously start all this just to hurt myself and my partner again.

I’m just glad my partner has a lot of patience to put up with me. Because I realized the whole time I was just thinking of my feeling and not how my partner would have felt too. Every time we got into this mess, I always have this thought that, I am misunderstood and he doesn’t understand what I mean.. and it becomes a long argument.

I don’t really speak of this problem often to others but I know it has something to do with me. So please advise.

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Hi @Llama,

Thank you for opening up about such a deeply personal experience. It takes courage to reflect on your own actions and recognize areas where growth is needed. It sounds like the transition to living independently, alongside the emotional turmoil of your past breakup, has shaped the way you process and handle relationships. These experiences are valid, and it’s natural to feel overwhelmed at times. Remember, acknowledging the challenges is the first step toward healing and change.

It’s clear that you care deeply about your partner and the relationship you’ve built. The fact that you’re willing to take responsibility and examine your role in conflicts speaks to your desire to improve things. Relationships, especially long-term ones, often require patience, communication, and a willingness to navigate each other’s imperfections. While it can feel like you’re stuck in a cycle of arguments, it’s important to focus on small, consistent steps to better communicate and manage your emotions. Seeking professional support, like therapy, could provide you with tools to navigate these challenges more effectively.

Be kind to yourself in this journey. You’re not alone in feeling misunderstood or struggling to strike the balance between your needs and your partner’s. It’s a process, and progress doesn’t happen overnight. Acknowledging your partner’s patience and your shared commitment is a solid foundation to build on. You both deserve a relationship where you feel heard and supported, and with time, effort, and perhaps guidance from a professional, you can work toward healthier patterns together.

Best regards,
HanSolo2000
Befriender | let’s talk

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Hi @Llama,

I want to start by saying that it sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot on your shoulders, and I can feel the weight of the emotional struggles you’ve been facing. Relationships can be incredibly complex, especially when things don’t go as planned or when there’s uncertainty in how we express our feelings. It’s clear that you’ve been through a lot, and I just want to acknowledge the emotional toll this has been taking on you.

It sounds like you’ve experienced significant hurt from past relationships, and that hurt has stayed with you.

If I may ask, the way you describe yourself—the self-blame, the feeling of being misunderstood, and the emotional breakdowns—points to the weight of rejection and abandonment that you’ve experienced, both from others and, in some ways, from yourself… do you notice?

Those feelings can leave scars, making it difficult to feel secure in relationships and to trust that your needs will be understood.

It’s really painful when it feels like you’re constantly trying to make things better, but things seem to spiral despite your best efforts. It’s understandable that you feel like you’re caught in a loop of misunderstanding with your partner. And when those loops happen, they can feel exhausting and confusing. It’s completely okay to feel hurt and confused. It’s human to want to be seen and heard in a relationship and to feel like your emotions and needs are valid. But when there’s friction, it can feel like a weight that you’re left to carry alone.

I can sense that you’re looking for a way out of this emotional spiral, a way to stop feeling like you’re the cause of these conflicts. But please know you’re not alone in this, even though it feels that way sometimes. Feeling like you’re misunderstood or that your feelings aren’t being seen can be incredibly isolating.

I also want to acknowledge your self-awareness, as difficult as it may feel at times. You’re able to reflect on your actions, recognise patterns, and even express that you may be unconsciously contributing to the tension. That’s not easy to do, and it shows that you have a deep desire to understand yourself better and to find peace in your relationships.

It’s also really brave that you’re expressing how you feel in this post, reaching out for some guidance as mentioned by @hansolo2000, The fact that you’re here, sharing these feelings, is an important step in acknowledging your emotional needs and seeking support. You’ve already shown strength in being vulnerable enough to say, “I need help.” That’s something many people struggle to do, but you’re doing it here. And that’s powerful.

I wonder if there’s anyone in your life—maybe a friend, a schoolmate, or someone you trust—that you can lean on to talk through some of these feelings? It might help to have a space where you can be heard, without judgement, just to let those emotions out and begin to process them. Sometimes we don’t need to fix everything at once; sometimes, just being able to talk about it helps start the healing process.

I also want to gently ask if you feel that seeing a counsellor could be something that might be helpful for you at this time? A counsellor can provide you with a safe and neutral space to explore your feelings in more depth, without the fear of being misunderstood. It’s okay to seek that kind of support when things feel overwhelming. Your well-being is important, and you deserve to feel heard, understood, and supported as you heal from the hurt in your relationships.

Above all, please be kind to yourself in this journey. Healing takes time, and it’s okay to feel vulnerable as you process these feelings. It’s a sign of strength to allow yourself the time and space to heal, and sometimes that means taking a step back, acknowledging your emotions, and allowing yourself the room to grow.

I’m really glad that you reached out here. You’re not alone in this, and you don’t have to face it alone. There’s support out there when you’re ready, and you are deserving of that support. Take care of yourself, and be gentle with your heart.