I have childhood trauma because of the way i was brought up and some things i went through as a child left huge marks on me. I only realised this during my 1st long term relationship which lasted for a year as the signs of being a disorganised-fearful avoidant only surface towards my romantic partner. My previous partner also gave me trauma where he had no boundaries with certain female “friends”, checked out other girls in public in front of me and always looked at provocative pictures of girls.
This really broke my confidence and during that period of time, i turned into someone i couldnt recognise. I was depressed most of the time. However, i stood strongly by my values, i am not one of those “chill girls” that can accept such behaviour and ultimately he left because he got tired of trying to meet my expectations.
When i am single i am independent, i feel happy and confident. I am not afraid to do things alone like solo travel, eat alone, go out alone, etc.
However, i just started seeing a new guy about 1.5 months ago even though i was hell bent on not trusting another guy ever again, he managed to convince me to give him a chance. I was faced with similar issues yet again, such as the guy checking out other girls in public when he is with me. That lead to me having social anxiety and not enjoying time whenever im out with him. It makes me wonder, are my standards really just too high? Am i asking for too much that no normal male can meet them? Am i the problem? We’ve had many talks and still are working through things, along with other problems we face such as culture differences and family differences, etc.
All these relationship problems have taken a toll on my mental health. I am pouring so much into this that i feel like im drowning in university. I have no energy to give to anybody else or anything else. I feel like if this continues on i am scared one day i might have to drop out. Everyone else seems to be doing well and i feel like i am the only one struggling. But i cant because i worked so hard to get to where i am today and my mum is still helping me with my fees, i cant let her down.
Moreover, i fell sick recently so the physical weakness makes me feel more tired and helpless with everything going on in my life. My mum and her tantrums flared up again and we havent been talking for a few days, normally i am not affected by this but given my current situation i do feel like i have no one by my side which is sad.
Sometimes i do think i know the answer to my problems is to cut it off with the guy, but i cant bear to do it. Why am i always holding on to the potential of something?