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I actually requested to break up with my boyfriend recently. This is not the first time we had a big fight. it happens quite often and we also “broke up” many times. im starting to think that our relationship is toxic and maybe im the problem because i tend to be the one who start the fight

there are many reasons: he lied to me before because he was afraid of me getting angry. he fat shamed me before. he liked other girls photo on ig. he dont communicate and tend to avoid conflict because he dont like to fight. when we fight i will end up sending long messages to which he will just reply with a “sorry”, basically dry texting. also i dont really like the fact that he is not decisive enough because i like a man who can make decision and just do things for us.

so these fights really ruined our relationship. he keeps telling me he will change, but i find myself constantly repeating everything that makes me angry, i dont know how to forgive him for what he did in the past so i like to bring it out whenever we fight instead of letting it go.

i assume im an anxious attachment and he is avoidant and i just feel like the fight is very one sided and nothing is resolved thats why we keep having the same fight over and over again.

i know most people would probably say “just break up, u will definitely find someone else”. but i cant seem to let go, I don’t know if I still love my boyfriend or am i just too comfortable with this relationship that i dont want to move on. but at the same time i lowkey know that things wont change even tho he said he would

but he is not all bad, he really loves me and cares about me. when im sick, he would cook something and bring it to me, he often help me with a lot of things and buy me flowers and gifts just to make me happy

so idk, maybe it sounds like im purposely saying nice things about him to justify staying in the relationship, but he is actually nice, i just think i nitpick too much but idk how to stop. therefore i dont think finding a new boyfriend is the solution because im sure the same thing will happen again…

what should i do?

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Hi user1304

Thank you for the courage to air this issue in an effort to explore what you could do. Your feelings of confusion and frustrations are both valid and understandable. It does sound like you’re struggling with a complex situation.

Firstly, acknowledge that recognizing the toxic patterns in your relationship takes courage. It’s essential to address these issues, and I’m glad you’re taking the first step.

Consider the following:

  1. Anxious-Avoidant Attachment: Your self-identified anxious attachment style and your boyfriend’s avoidant style might be contributing to the toxic cycle. Understanding attachment styles can certainly help you both work on healthier communication and conflict resolution. Do tap on this knowledge, it helps lessen blame when it is acknowledged and could help more objective solutions.

  2. Unresolved Issues: Unaddressed past hurts and resentments can lead to repetitive fights. Try to forgive and let go of past grievances, focusing on present moments and future growth.

  3. Communication Imbalance: The one-sided fights and lack of meaningful communication are concerning. Encourage open, empathetic conversations to resolve issues, rather than just apologizing or avoiding conflicts.

  4. Comfort Zone vs. Growth: Reflect on whether you’re staying in the relationship due to comfort or fear of change. Consider what you truly want for your personal growth and happiness.

  5. Self-Reflection: Identify your non-negotiables and priorities in a relationship. Ask yourself if this relationship aligns with those values.

  6. Couples Therapy: If you both are willing, consider seeking professional help to work through attachment issues, communication, and conflict resolution.

  7. Self-Improvement: Focus on personal growth, self-care, and self-awareness. This will help you become a stronger, more fulfilled individual, regardless of the relationship’s outcome.

Remember, finding a new partner won’t necessarily solve the issues; working on yourself and developing healthier relationship habits will.

Take your time, and prioritize self-reflection. You deserve a fulfilling, healthy relationship.:heart:

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