im confused

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hi this is my first time writing here, im confused on how this works but i really need help

first of all, right now im in a 5 month relationship with my now bf, i was in a pretty toxic relationship back then with my ex of 2 years

basically, my ex would grope me, threathen to unalive himself if id leave him, cheat on me countless of times then lying to me about it, manipulate me and even gaslit me into thinking that i was in the wrong after we broke up

i was heartbroken and traumatized by that event, but my childhood best friend (my now bf) helped me get through all the traumatic events i have had in my life, hes a total green flag, but now i am worrying that now i am the red flag

i am not using my trauma as an excuse, but i have been always overthinking alot of things and im having major trust issues with my now bf, and weve been through alot of fights because of it, i have been thinking that hes not been prioritizing me,etc. and now our relationship is really rocky and he asked to break up today, i managed to convince him not to but im not sure how im going to handle this

i honestly just want to heal at this point but i dont know how, i want to trust people again and not having any distress with people touching me all of a sudden or overthinking that much, because honestly i dont want this relationship to fall because of my trauma.

thank you

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Hi @sm1

Thank you for sharing with us your troubles here, I hear you and I’m so sorry to hear about the pain and trauma you’ve endured in your past relationship. It sounds incredibly difficult to have experienced such toxic behavior from your ex-partner. I can see that these experiences have left deep scars and are impacting your current relationship with your boyfriend.

I understand that you’re grappling with trust issues and finding it hard to let go of past hurts, but I also commend you that you’re seeking ways to address these difficulties and trying to save your current relationship.

One important step you might consider is seeking support from a therapist or counselor as this can provide a safe space for you to explore your feelings, process your experiences, and develop coping strategies to manage your trust issues and overthinking. I want to encourage you that your past traumas can be worked on with the help of a mental health professional, so please don’t hesitate to reach out to one. There are a few options you can try: either your school counsellors, or a professional from a nearby Family Service Centre ( https://www.msf.gov.sg/our-services/directories) or you can try these online options too:

Another thing to remember is that having open and honest communication with your partner is also important. I think it’s so important for you to express your feelings and concerns to him, as well as to listen to his perspective. Together, you can work on finding ways to support each other through this difficult time and strengthen your relationship.

It will also be good to set boundaries for yourself, as it is also part of healing from past trauma. You can practice establishing clear boundaries that make you feel safe and respected, and rebuild trust and create a healthier dynamic in your relationship.

Self-care is vital too! :slight_smile: Make sure to prioritize activities that help you relax and recharge, whether it’s spending time with supportive friends and family, engaging in hobbies you enjoy, or practicing mindfulness and meditation.

Last but not least, you can try to read up more or educate yourself about trauma, trust issues, and healthy relationships which can also be empowering. When we understand the underlying dynamics, it can help us all to make informed decisions more effectively.

Please do remember that healing takes time and patience :slight_smile: . It’s okay to take things one step at a time and seek support. If you ever feel overwhelmed or unsure about how to move forward, don’t hesitate to reach out here again.

Keep us updated on how you’re doing okay? We’ll be here for you. Hear from you soon!

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Hi @sm1

Thank you for sharing your story and I’m really sorry to hear about what you’ve endured in your relationship with your ex.

It’s really commendable that you want to work on this, it also shows me that your relationship with your current boyfriend is one that is very valuable to you.
I would agree with cottonsoul that you might want to consider professional support like individual therapy but maybe also consider couple’s therapy so that there’s someone neutral to provide support and guidance to both of y’all.
It’s important to have open communication and honest conversations with your boyfriend and set realistic expectations and boundaries with each other.

I would say don’t be too hard on yourself, I think the fact that you want to work on this is already really commendable.
I’m not a professional but based on personal experience, I have seen and experienced how unresolved trauma and trust issues can inflict a lot of damage on existing relationships. However as a word of encouragement, with proper support and guidance, it’s possible to work through your issues and build trusting and secure relationships.

I wish you the best in your journey of building a strong healthy relationship not just with your boyfriend but with everyone you come across. Take care

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Thanks for sharing your story, @sm1. It must have been traumatizing to go through all of that with your ex. I can also understand how much you don’t want to lose your current boyfriend.

I’m not an expert but I think everyone has their own timeline to heal. You mentioned the toxic relationship lasted 2 years so maybe you need a bit longer than 5 months to recover from this.

What do y’all fight about? Is it always about the same thing? Actually I think every fight is an opportunity to become closer but there’s also the risk of one party just giving up.

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Hi @sm1 I appreciate your openness about your struggles and that you’re really looking for healing and improving your current relationship. Consider having an honest conversation with your current boyfriend, explaining your efforts to overcome past traumas and share your desire for trust and understanding, emphasizing that you’re actively working on breaking the cycle of overthinking. Seeking professional support, like therapy, can provide additional guidance. Remember, healing is a journey, and communication is key in navigating these complexities together. Your willingness to be better for both yourself and your relationship is a positive step forward. Take care, :yellow_heart:

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the fights are always about the same thing, and i could tell that hes so tired already, and just yesterday he broke up with me because he said he isnt ready if were just gonna keep on fighting, it is his first relationship after all and i dont know how to convince him or go back being with him

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Hi @sm1

I’m really sorry to hear, navigating through relationships can be tough and we can’t force someone to get together with us but I believe that there’s some circle/ form of influence… you can sit down with your boyfriend, have a heart to heart conversation, it’s important to be sincere and genuine in expressing how you really feel and find a way to work through your arguments and fights in an amicable way.

Ultimately, the decision lies with your boyfriend whether he wants to continue to be you with but I definitely wish the best for you and no matter the outcome, if you ever need a listening ear or support, the Let’s talk community will be here for you :heart:

Take care!

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