relationship problem

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I actually requested to break up with my boyfriend recently. This is not the first time we had a big fight. it happens quite often and we also “broke up” many times. im starting to think that our relationship is toxic and maybe im the problem because i tend to be the one who start the fight

there are many reasons: he lied to me before because he was afraid of me getting angry. he fat shamed me before. he liked other girls photo on ig. he dont communicate and tend to avoid conflict because he dont like to fight. when we fight i will end up sending long messages to which he will just reply with a “sorry”, basically dry texting. also i dont really like the fact that he is not decisive enough because i like a man who can make decision and just do things for us.

so these fights really ruined our relationship. he keeps telling me he will change, but i find myself constantly repeating everything that makes me angry, i dont know how to forgive him for what he did in the past so i like to bring it out whenever we fight instead of letting it go.

i assume im an anxious attachment and he is avoidant and i just feel like the fight is very one sided and nothing is resolved thats why we keep having the same fight over and over again.

i know most people would probably say “just break up, u will definitely find someone else”. but i cant seem to let go, I don’t know if I still love my boyfriend or am i just too comfortable with this relationship that i dont want to move on. but at the same time i lowkey know that things wont change even tho he said he would

but he is not all bad, he really loves me and cares about me. when im sick, he would cook something and bring it to me, he often help me with a lot of things and buy me flowers and gifts just to make me happy

so idk, maybe it sounds like im purposely saying nice things about him to justify staying in the relationship, but he is actually nice, i just think i nitpick too much but idk how to stop. therefore i dont think finding a new boyfriend is the solution because im sure the same thing will happen again…

what should i do?

2

Hi @user1304,

Thank you for sharing what you’re going through—it’s clear that you’re dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling stuck and unsure about what to do next. Relationships, especially those with a lot of history, can be incredibly complicated, and it sounds like you’re trying to make sense of your feelings while also navigating the ups and downs of your relationship.

It’s really insightful that you’ve noticed patterns in your relationship, like how your fights often seem to revolve around unresolved issues. This cycle of conflict can be exhausting, especially when it feels like nothing ever gets fully resolved. It’s also important to acknowledge that both you and your boyfriend might be bringing different attachment styles into the relationship—your anxious attachment and his avoidant tendencies could be playing a big role in how you both respond to conflicts.

One thing that stands out to me is how you’re holding on to past hurts and bringing them into new conflicts. It’s completely natural to feel upset about things that have happened before, but it can also make it really hard to move forward if those feelings aren’t addressed in a way that feels healing for you. I wonder if part of what’s keeping you in this cycle is the feeling that your pain hasn’t been fully acknowledged or understood, and that might be why it keeps coming up.

You mentioned that you’re not sure if you’re staying in the relationship because you still love your boyfriend or because it’s comfortable. That’s a really honest reflection, and it might be worth exploring what you really need in a relationship to feel happy and secure. Sometimes, comfort can make it hard to let go, even when we know deep down that something isn’t working. It’s also worth considering whether the positive aspects of your relationship, like his caring actions, are enough to outweigh the ongoing conflicts and whether you can find a way to rebuild trust and communication together.

It’s okay to take your time to figure this out. You don’t have to make any decisions right away. What’s important is that you give yourself the space to really think about what you want and need from a relationship, and whether this one is meeting those needs. It might also help to have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about how you’re feeling—sometimes, getting everything out in the open can help both of you see things more clearly.

No matter what you decide, it’s important to remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued, heard, and supported. If you feel like you’re constantly stuck in the same patterns, it might be helpful to consider couples counseling, where both of you can work on these issues together with the guidance of a professional.

Take care of yourself, and remember that it’s okay to be unsure—figuring out what’s best for you is a process, and you don’t have to go through it alone. If you’d like to talk more about this or anything else on your mind, we are here to listen.