Just a question

I just want to know whether im the bad one in the relationship.Me and my bf have been in a relationship for 3 years and nothing has been good. So the past week has been horrible because he found out that I am been volunteering and doing cca without his knowledge for the past 6 months because he doesn’t allow me to do those things even when I have told him before and even suggested things we can do together. later on he comes back with stuff he wants to do. The reason he doesn’t want me to go for cca and like events is because it makes him insecure I talk with people regardless of the gender and told me that I have cheated with him in honesty. So the other day he cried about this and I instantly laughed because how childish his actions seems and he says he wanted to die because of me going to events although I was wrong for laughing but the way I was crying and then later on slapped me(although I had said to him previously before the fight) if u feel angry u can slap. Also he gets angry if I hug a doll for example. He doesn’t want me to send off emojis like hearts to even girls story posts on social media but he goes for his school events but then asks me not to. if I question this he says I don’t lie like u and u were the one who gave me insecurity not the other way round and he gets angry I have gone to more events than me. There is so much more but I would like to limit for now. Apart from this my parents don’t allow me to have bfs and they are strict so this is all a secret and its so hard when both the sides are constantly doubting and scolding me :frowning:


Hi @joshna12 , thank you for sharing your story with me. It sounds like you are going through a rough time in your relationship and I want to first affirm you that your feelings are valid. I can imagine how you would feel upset and frustrated from having to deal with this situation. I want to let you know that you are not in the wrong for taking part in volunteering and CCAs, or for talking to your friends and sending them heart emojis on social media. That is in your right and autonomy, and no one should be taking that away from you.

It is not your responsibility to manage someone else’s insecurity. You may care for your boyfriend very much, but that is not reason enough to justify his demands of you to not participate in events and talk to your friends. It is even more unreasonable that he is angry at you for attending more events than him and slapping you when he felt angry, regardless of what you told him before the fight.

I would like you to ask yourself if this is what you truly want out of a relationship. Do you want to be with someone who does not let you talk to your friends and does not allow you to attend activities that you enjoy? Do you want to be with someone who physically hurts you? Do you want to be with someone who accuses you of cheating when you have not done so? Do you want to be with someone who you have to be cautious around and not let him find out about the things you are doing daily?

You may wish to consider establishing some boundaries with him. Boundaries play a big part in developing healthy relationships and enhancing communication and intimacy. Some examples could be (1) no physical abuse (i.e. slapping, punching, kicking, biting, etc), (2) saying no when you do not wish to do something, (3) not taking the blame for his feelings (e.g. it is not your fault he is angry that you attended more events than him), (4) asking for space to cool down when things get a bit too heated and emotional before discussing the issue. The key here is to focus on respecting one another, building trust, understanding, honesty, and care for each other.

You deserve to feel safe and loved in a relationship. You are not ‘the bad one’ for doing the things you enjoy and wanting to talk to your friends. I encourage you to reach out to your friends and trusted adults (e.g. teachers or relatives (if you do not feel ready to tell your parents yet)) regarding this matter. You are not alone in this and having social support can help tremendously.

Do what you think is best for you, and I hope this helps. Take care („• ֊ •„)