unsure about my relationship..

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
1

hi, so me and my boyfriend have been dating for around 6 months now.

there were a few big arguments about small issues and we kinda resolved them but it’s still like hmm to me..

there’s this one issue that we can’t agree over and it’s drinking. he is someone who doesn’t drink, tells me alcohol is bad for my health and all is all is just bad. “why do you have to drink?” like he just doesn’t get it. idk how to make it sound better by telling him i like getting tipsy having fun with my friends and all.. he just says you can have fun in other ways and not with alcohol.

but i feel like my youth is just starting, i have been drinking well before i met him so like it’s a restriction now or something. once i went drinking with my friends, he agreed but got mad at me, didn’t want to talk to me and like giving me the cold shoulder. then he started to say i don’t like you drinking don’t drink with them you can only drink when i’m around…

we talked properly and i did agree to that but i wouldn’t bring him to go drink with my friends. i don’t think he likes them and they don’t like him either.

he has this very heavy distrust about drinking and what others around me will do to me or something bad will happen. i have reassured him and explained to him multiple times but he just doesn’t get it. my friends have told me he’s being too controlling and i should leave him, i do like him but this is the biggest dealbreaker that i have to give in.. i don’t even drink with my friends anymore and i feel like if this continues i just miss out..

if this relationship just turns out bad either way then wouldn’t i have wasted my youth… idk how else to compromise i feel like it’s always me giving in or changing myself for him. i just wanna have fun with my friends when i’m young…..

i don’t know if this will turn into a resentment that he doesn’t let me drink without him around and all.. his reason is like oh if your partner dislikes it you should just not do it. i don’t know if he’s right for me this way.

he also said no club.. i was gonna go with my friends and i haven’t went before but he like just said no and it always came up as an argument.. “why do you need to go club if you have a partner” like even for the experience it’s a no..

i don’t know how to approach this issue and what are my next steps. i’m scared of losing him but i also don’t want to resent him for this. maybe his compromise on drinking still doesn’t work for me, what else is there to do? i always feel like i’m the bad one doing something wrong, am i better off single or finding someone that aligns with me……….. urgh…… i’m lost….

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Hey @heheheha
first of all, you’re not the bad one here :brown_heart: and I hear you.
Wanting to have fun, go out with your friends,and get a little tipsy- that doesn’t make you wrong. you are not doing anything dangerous or disrespectful just because you want to enjoy your youth… it’s completely valid to want that, and you’ve been trying hard to meet him halfway.

But it sounds like the issue might not really be about alcohol itself. The way he reacts: the control, the cold shoulder, the restrictions,…maybe it’s less about “drinking is unhealthy” and more about trust, fear, or something deeper.

It might be worth sitting down for a real, honest, heart-to-heart conversation… try to understand: what is it really that bothers him? Is it something about the people you’re with? about feeling safe? about trust?

Because right now, it feels like you are doing all the bending, and even then, it’s not enough.
A healthy relationship needs trust. he doesn’t have to love drinking- but he does have to trust you. That you’re smart, responsible, and that your choices don’t erase your love for him.

You don’t have to give up on who you are to be loved.
And you’re not wrong for wanting to live your life fully :brown_heart:

3

Dear @heheheha

Thank you for writing in and sharing how conflicted and torn you are feeling. When you care about someone but also feel like you’re slowly giving up parts of yourself, that’s a confusing place to be in.

It might help to have an honest, calm conversation with him — not to argue, but to truly understand where his discomfort with drinking and going out comes from. Sometimes people have been through difficult experiences around alcohol, or grown up in environments that shaped their views strongly. You could gently ask:
“Can you help me understand what about drinking or clubbing makes you uncomfortable? Did something happen before?” By asking, you are seeking first to understand before you can be understood.

And also — take a moment to reflect for yourself too. Is your drinking just for occasional fun, or could there be moments where it’s becoming excessive or an emotional escape? This isn’t about blaming yourself, just making sure your choices feel good to you and come from a healthy place.

At the same time, it’s worth asking him another important question:
“How do you want to spend quality time with me? What helps you feel close and connected in this relationship?”
Because if he’s asking you to step away from things you enjoy, it’s fair to also ask what he’s offering in return — how the two of you can build joy, fun, and trust together, in ways that mutually fills both your cups.

If the answer keeps being that you have to change, or sacrifice just to keep him comfortable, further reflection and deeper conversations with him on what you both want may be helpful. I believe relationship should be about growing alongside each other while keeping each individual’s identity. You both deserve to be with someone who respects, trusts and accepts each other.

Whatever you decide, just remember: you’re not selfish for wanting connection, joy, and freedom. That’s not too much to ask. That’s normal.

You’ve got this — and we are here if you need someone to chat with further. :yellow_heart: