To start off, I was in a relationship for 5 years. We broke up this year september. Initially he told me that he wanted to end the relationship or in his words its “time & space” because he wanted to better himself & that we’ll get back together once we got stronger & better.
I found out that the reason he wanted to break up/ “take time & space away” was because he wanted to club & drink. I told him that at the start of the relationship that I don’t like guys who clubs & drinks… In fact our first argument was me finding out that he drank w his friends…
Initially I was so hurt by the fact that he left me so that he could party & enjoy? I’m someone who doesn’t drink or clubs but because I love him so much, I wanted to understand him better & what he enjoys so much about that night life of his, I threw away my principles, I went to a club & drank with him & a few times after. We had a talk & I told him I understand him & he wanted to get back together but I chose not to eventhough I still love him. I’m afraid that he’ll leave again like how he always do but the messed up thing is, we still talk to each other like we’re still together, we behave like we’re still in a relationship eventhough he’s talking to someone else he met at the club just to past time.
I feel disgusted with myself, I feel stupid and pathetic. I cared & loved him more than I love myself. I put him first for everything including my family. If the roles were reversed, I don’t think that he’ll do such things for me. I became unstable, I don’t remember when was the last time I was genuinely happy. The whole 5 years was toxic. We argued every day, every single fight we had, he’ll leave me/ break up with me & I’ll come begging & apologising for everything. I can admit that with him, I lost my self-love, self-respect & at this point I don’t even see my self-worth.
I finally gave up, I went to starhub to change my phone number so that no one besides my family could contact me. I had to cut ties with my bestfriend just because we share the same circle group of friends with my ex.
I just want to run away from everything, I don’t feel like myself anymore. I can’t find joy in anything I do if i’m not with him. I revolved my world around him. I can simply say that I’m obsessed with him but I’m done. It still hurts & I do breakdown randomly whenever I’m alone & sometimes, even in front of my family & I hate when that happens because I don’t want them to worry about me.