I’m not sure what I’m feeling

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hello,

i’m not sure if this is the right outlet to seek advice but i feel at a lost as to where my mind is at right now… i’ve been in a relationship for the past 2 years and it’s my first time being in one. i find myself being more sensitive and emotional since dating my partner - is this normal?

the main thing clogging my mind is something that happened last night. my partner and i bond through gaming and that’s how our relationship even started in the first place, we got closer through playing often with our mutual friends. not long ago, my partner mentioned that he hates playing with that mutual friend as he feels like he becomes the butt of the jokes that are made and he feels like i’m not standing up enough for him. he said that he wants to stop playing with them and said he didn’t want me to as well. what he said made me feel guilty, and i haven’t played with those mutual friends since then, though i don’t think they know that we’re avoiding them as we still talk, just not game. i also went on holiday with other friends so i haven’t been playing much anyway. during the time that i was away, my boyfriend started playing games with new friends, some that i had already knew. so when i came back, naturally i started playing with them as well. i thought that he had enjoyed playing with them - why else would he willingly join right? well, last night seemed like the last straw. while we were playing, he would message me “fun meh? do you really think this is fun?” and i just genuinely don’t know how to respond to that. this isn’t the first time he’s mentioned feeling this way to that particular game so i wasn’t surprised or anything. maybe i just felt a bit annoyed as he would constantly egg me on with
messaging “this is why i feel like im just wasting my time” to me.

this again brings me back to whether or not it’s normal for me to feel miserable over what he said or am i just being sensitive? i do enjoy playing the game but when he acts that way, obviously it takes out all the fun and i just have to put up an act in front of everyone else present. today it seems like he’s really determined to stop playing that game (this is not the first time he’s said he would stop) and when his friend invited us to play another game, i decided not to join. as soon as i thought of playing a game with my boyfriend, i immediately felt like crying again and i could only hear him saying “it feels like a waste of time” constantly ringing in my head. i brought that up to him and he assured me that he only felt that way towards that particular game so he’ll be fine playing this one. i still refused and told him that i was fine even though he didn’t seem convinced.

i genuinely do want to talk to him about this but i just dont know how to verbalize what im feeling, because i’m not sure what im feeling myself… i just feel sad and somehow scared when i feel like i shouldn’t be over something so trivial. when we meet in person, he’s always been the sweetest and most caring so this gaming thing is really the only part of our relationship that has not been optimal.

i’m sorry if my storytelling was confusing, idk how else to explain this pent-up feeling in my mind, any advice is appreciated. thanks!

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Dear Nacho,

Thank you for reaching out to us. We are glad that this is a good space for you to release some of your pent-up feelings. It is important to be able to share your thoughts and feelings with another person. Sometimes in the process of sharing your thoughts, things actually become clearer. Wonder if this is so for you too?

I hear that this is your first relationship and you are experiencing a mix bag of emotions which are rather confusing and upsetting for you. It is normal to feel intense emotions as you learn how to navigate a serious, exclusive relationship. It is not easy at all! You are definitely not alone in this and I want to commend you on plucking the courage to reach out to us for some help. And if you feel like crying, absolutely, please do so! No, you are too anything at all. Your feelings are valid and there are no right/wrong feelings. We don’t judge our feelings which are only signalling to us that something needs our attention. :hugs:

It sounds like this relationship means a lot to you, you care much about what your boyfriend thinks and feels, and you have been trying your best to show him you care about him by following his wishes, for example, not playing certain games or with certain people he doesn’t like, but his signals are confusing to you and in some ways, feels like the goalposts keeps changing and it is not enough?

It seems too that even as you try to accommodate his wishes, you also collect some negative feelings. Feelings such as guilt because you still talk to some friends whom he doesn’t like and annoyance because it feels like he is just ‘egging you on’, among others. Above all, you feel you can’t be direct with him for fear of upsetting him, and that might make one feel trapped, frustrated or just simply upset.

So my question is, what might you want in a long term relationship? Here are some questions for you to ponder and reflect upon:

  1. Would you want to have the freedom to mix with whom you want to and play the games you wish to? How much would you compromise in a relationship?
  2. Would you want to be able to keep your own identity and autonomy in a relationship and have boundaries about what you want/like/don’t like etc? What are your physical/emotional/social boundaries?
  3. Would you want to be able to communicate directly with your partner and be able to be yourself? What are your communication styles?
  4. Would you want a partner who can be his own person and able to respect your boundaries? How would you evaluate emotional maturity?

As you take time and space to attend to your thoughts and feelings about what has been happening with your boyfriend, please do take good care of yourself. Eat well, sleep well and keeping moving (exercise).

Hope this helps!

Hugs,
northernlights

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