Hi @user787 ,
Thank you for sharing what’s on your mind—it’s clear that you’re feeling overwhelmed by the emotional dynamics in your relationship with X. It sounds like you care deeply for X, but the weight of her dependence on you is making you feel burdened and anxious about the future of your relationship. I can hear that you’re also carrying some fear and guilt from your previous relationship with Y, which makes everything feel even more complicated.
It’s really important to acknowledge how tough it can be when someone relies on you for their emotional well-being. When X says things like “I can’t imagine life without you,” it puts a lot of pressure on you to maintain the relationship, even when you’re unsure if it can last. I want to reassure you that you are not responsible for someone else’s happiness. Relationships should involve mutual support, but each person also needs to find their own sense of joy and fulfillment. You’ve already tried to encourage X to find happiness in her own interests, and that’s a really healthy step.
It might help to have a more open conversation with X about how her words are affecting you. It’s okay to set boundaries and express that while you care for her, you need to feel like the relationship is a partnership, not a burden. You deserve to feel secure in the relationship, too.
I noticed that you’ve identified with having an avoidant attachment style, and I wonder if we can take a closer look at that. It sounds like avoidance has become a way for you to protect yourself when relationships feel emotionally overwhelming. But it’s also important to remember that attachment styles aren’t fixed—they’re more like patterns of behavior that we can change over time with awareness and practice.
I know it feels safer to avoid X’s messages when they remind you of the problems, but what would it look like if you stayed present and tried to manage that discomfort? Avoidance may feel like a solution in the moment, but it can actually make the situation feel bigger and harder to manage in the long run.
Have you thought about what it would be like to approach X’s messages or emotions in small, manageable ways? It’s okay to take it one step at a time. Gradually allowing yourself to stay present in emotionally charged moments could help you feel more in control and less like you need to retreat.
It’s clear that you’re feeling the tension between wanting emotional space and not wanting to hurt X, and I can see why that’s weighing heavily on you. But what if vulnerability didn’t mean losing control or getting overwhelmed? Sometimes, staying emotionally present and vulnerable is the hardest thing, but it’s also the most important for deepening connection.
I wonder if you’ve ever experienced moments where you stayed present in a tough conversation and found that it wasn’t as overwhelming as you expected. What if these moments of openness could actually strengthen your relationship rather than lead to more pressure?
I also hear that your experience with Y still haunts you, especially the fear that you were responsible for her well-being. It’s important to remember that you are not responsible for another person’s mental health. I know it’s hard to let go of that guilt, but each person is responsible for their own emotional state. Just because Y struggled after your breakup doesn’t mean you were at fault, and it doesn’t mean you’ll repeat the same patterns with X.
Focusing on the present, rather than letting past fears dictate your actions, could help you feel more in control of your current relationship. What would it be like to move forward without the weight of that past guilt? It’s not easy, but separating the two relationships could give you more space to breathe in this one.
It sounds like you’re not sure if this relationship with X can last, and that’s okay. You don’t have to make any decisions right now. What might help is having a conversation with X about setting healthy boundaries around communication and emotional dependence. It’s possible to be in a relationship where you both support each other without feeling overwhelmed by each other’s emotions.
Take your time to figure out what you need in this relationship. It’s okay to ask for emotional space and to work through these feelings of avoidance, one step at a time.
You’re not alone in feeling this way, and it’s okay to need emotional space. Relationships are about balance, and your emotional needs matter just as much as X’s. It might be tough, but having open conversations and gradually allowing for more emotional closeness could help both you and X feel more secure without the burden.
How do you feel about talking to X more openly about your needs? I’d love to hear your thoughts and support you through whatever comes next.
