Avoidant attatchment.

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Hi. Ive recently discovered ive an avoidant attachment style. But i feel like its too late as ive a boyfriend who ill call J. When me and J started dating he wasnt really that into it. We didnt do couple things and mostly just friend thing like group hang out. J recently have gotten closer with me like we had our first kiss. But he like to ask to see my gallery or hold my phone or asking for my secret instagram account who no one has. I know its right for him as ive nothing to really hide but i hate it i decline pofusely and whenever he holds my phone i would be really on guard to the point even j would ask me why im so worked up.

I love j alot but i dont know if im going to continoue hurting both him and me. But i feel like breaking up is what my avoidant attachment style wants me to do. J also dosent know much and i like to keep it that way as im scared of being judged and left.

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im avoidant and only find friendships and casuals for now

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Hi @user1636,

Thank you for opening up and sharing what you’re going through—it sounds like you’ve been reflecting deeply on yourself and your relationship. It’s not easy to recognize these patterns, let alone put them into words. You’re already taking steps toward understanding yourself better, and that’s a really important first step.

It’s clear you care deeply for J, and that makes this situation even more complex. The conflict between wanting to stay and feeling the urge to pull away can be exhausting. It’s completely valid to feel conflicted right now. These feelings don’t mean something is “wrong” with you—they just show how much you’re trying to navigate your emotions while also being in a relationship.

Avoidant attachment often makes it challenging to fully trust or let others in, even when we care about them. Perhaps when you are feeling guarded with your phone or private accounts, can you share your thoughts behind it?

Feeling guarded with your phone doesn’t mean you’re a bad partner. What matters is figuring out how to share this with J in a way that feels safe for you. You don’t have to reveal everything at once—small, gradual steps toward openness can make a difference.

If you’re comfortable, it might help to share a bit with J about what’s going on. You could say something like, “I’m trying to work through some things about myself that make it hard for me to open up fully. It’s not about you, but I want to take this slowly.” This could help him understand your hesitations without feeling rejected.

The thought of breaking up may come from the fear that you’re “hurting” J or yourself by staying in the relationship. But it’s also possible that this is your avoidant attachment trying to create distance because vulnerability feels uncomfortable. Instead of deciding on the relationship right now, consider focusing on small ways to feel more comfortable with closeness. This might help you figure out whether breaking up is truly what you want or if it’s an instinctive reaction to feeling overwhelmed.

It’s okay to let J in slowly. Trust is something that grows over time, and you don’t have to share everything all at once. Start by identifying small things you feel safe sharing with him. Each time you do, notice how he responds—it might help you see whether your fears of judgement are based on past experiences or if they reflect the present.

Lastly, be kind to yourself. You’re doing the best you can in a situation that’s emotionally complex. It’s okay to feel scared or unsure—it doesn’t mean you’re failing. Every relationship has challenges, and yours is no different. You’re learning, growing, and figuring out what works for you, and that’s something to be proud of. If things feel too overwhelming, consider reaching out to a counsellor who can guide you through this process.

You’ve already shown so much courage by reflecting on yourself and your relationship. Step by step, remember that relationships aren’t about perfection, but about learning and growing together. J seems to care about you, and it’s okay to let him support you too. Remember, you’re not alone in this journey, and it’s okay to ask for help along the way.

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Hello @user1636 :wave:t2:! Thank you for sharing your story with us!

It seems like you’re struggling much within. Finding something like an avoidant attachment style might set off a lot of feelings, particularly in a relationship with someone you love very much, like J. You clearly adore him, but you are also battling vulnerability and anxiety about being judged or left behind. That’s a very difficult spot to be in, hence I want you to applaud yourself for seeing and considering it.

Your attitude to your boundaries—that of wishing to keep certain things secret and of being on guard—does not indicate that you are acting in any wrongdoing. Even in a loving relationship, it is reasonable to seek personal space. Your feelings are legitimate and nothing to be embarrassed of. Not knowing everything right now about how to negotiate this is also acceptable. Relationships may be messy and complex; you are trying your best to sort through that.

Your concern about whether you might injure J or yourself reveals the great importance you attach to this connection. Though part of you feels the need to distance yourself, it is evidence of how much he matters to you. You are not your attachment style; rather, this is just one aspect of you—not the complete picture. You are free to take your time determining what feels right; it is normal for you to be afraid in that process. You are not alone in this; you are doing as best you can in a very delicate circumstance.

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@user1636,

It sounds like you’re grappling with some really complex emotions, and it’s admirable that you’re trying to understand your attachment style and how it impacts your relationship. Navigating these feelings can be challenging, especially when you care deeply for someone and want to protect the relationship.

It’s okay to feel guarded and to need your own space and privacy. It’s also understandable that J’s requests might make you feel uncomfortable or anxious. Balancing your need for privacy with the desire to be open in your relationship can be difficult, but it’s not impossible.

It’s important to communicate your feelings with J in a way that helps him understand where you’re coming from. You don’t have to share everything all at once, but expressing your need for privacy and your struggles with attachment could help him see why you might react the way you do. It’s also okay to seek professional help, like a therapist, who can support you in working through these feelings and finding strategies to manage them.

Remember, it’s a journey, and taking small steps towards understanding and addressing your attachment style can lead to healthier relationships. You’re not alone in this, and being kind to yourself while you navigate these emotions is crucial.

If you ever need more specific advice or someone to talk to, I’m here to help. Take care of yourself.

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recently ive been wondering whether im really into him. Ive been in many relationships but non reallly lasted as long as ive with j. And the only difference i noticed was that the others gave me alot of attention and treated me way better than j did even at the start of the relationship to the end. Recently j who orginally didnt treat me much as a girlfriend suddenly started being more of a ‘better boyfriend’ eg.texting more saying we should get married and a sudden increase of affection. This made me in a way lose feelings? But im still scared to leave j. I havent been able to open up either. Im lost on what to do now and communication is hard as weve not been able to find a time to meet up so all chat is over text.

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Hi @user1636, thank you for replying!

It sounds like you’re feeling really confused and torn about your relationship with J. Relationships can be challenging, especially when there are shifts in behavior and communication is limited to texting. Your feelings of uncertainty and frustration are valid, and it’s important to prioritize your emotional needs and well-being.

Take some time to reflect on what you need and want in a relationship. Consider what aspects of your past relationships were fulfilling and how they compare to your current situation with J. Although it’s hard to find time to meet in person, try to express your feelings and concerns to J, even over text. Honest communication can help you both understand each other’s perspectives and decide on the best way forward.

Meanwhile, make sure to take care of yourself during this time. Engaging in activities that make you feel good can help you gain clarity and reduce stress. It’s okay to take your time to figure things out. Relationships are not always straightforward, and it’s important to prioritize your happiness and well-being.

Feel free to share more about what’s been going on if you’d like to talk further. We are here to support you! :+1: