relationship with anxious attachment/ disorganised style

I think i have anxious attachment style, and i find it really difficult to just be away from my girlfriend, even if it’s for a few hours i obsessively check my phone and try to play it off as a joke but it really hurts when she doesn’t text back, or when she just doesn’t talk to me in general. It makes me feel really insecure and lonely and it’s also weird in the sense that I just hate that she has a life outside of me? It’s like I want her whole life to revolve around me and i know it’s really bad but it’s also something I just want, like it has become really difficult to be away from her. it’s really unhealthy and I have no idea what to do, i have this like unrealistic expectation and it has just become so difficult for me to stop, when she’s not around I just shut down, I sleep, I check my phone, i check her last seen, i stress out, i cry out, i send myself into spirals and just think about her. I’ve become incapable of doing anything without her and we discussed it recently. When she does decide to text me previously I used to be passive aggressive and angry as a way of showing my hurt that she didn’t text me and it’s become really dangerous. I also try to do things when i’m apart so we can both love fulfilling lives away from each other, but it just feels like I’m faking it, faking happiness, faking doing fun things when in reality I miss her and feel really detached when she doesn’t text or give me a lot of attention. When we text it’s also become really difficult for me to end conversations with her and it just feels like we end really abruptly and stop talking and she goes on to do other more important things of her life and i hate that. help?

1 Like

Hi @sanjula, first of all I want to thank you for being so open and honest in sharing your feelings. You are so brave, and I commend you for this. Secondly, it does sound like you’re having a hard time struggling with how you feel and managing the relationship with your girlfriend. I’m so sorry to hear that it’s been difficult faking things and missing her at the same time, and that you miss her all the time. That can happen when we really want our partner to be close to us all the time.

I’m proud of you for recognising that you may have an anxious attachment style and that you’re aware of the impact it’s having on your relationship. Sometimes, anxious attachment can create challenges in relationships, but with self-awareness and effort, you can work on developing a more secure attachment style and develop healthier relationship dynamics.

For the time being, you might want to try these to help you manage your relationship in a healthier way:

  1. Try communicating with your girlfriend in open and honest way, and share with her your anxious thoughts in a calm manner. It’ll be good for you to help her understand from your perspective how you truly feel, and let her know that you’re trying your best to work on this.
  1. Practice self-soothing techniques - Try to engage in activities or relaxing techniques that help you to relax and stay calm while you’re apart. It could be simple things such as taking a walk, or drawing, or even going to play a game of basketball by yourself. Find something that helps you to keep your mind off worrying, and focus on yourself (e.g. how many hoops can you shoot in 1 min? :slight_smile: )
  1. Journaling will be helpful for you to share your feelings and thoughts whenever you feel anxious about her or the relationship. It will be good to have a safe space for you to express everything out, so that you don’t feel so “stuck”.
    Bonus tip: Reach out to a mental health professional such as a counsellor! It will be good for you to speak to someone who can help you to build your confidence and practice healthier relationship habits to help you and her enjoy the relationship! Perhaps both of you can also go for therapy together to help you both work on the communication and tensions too! After all, a couple that goes through difficulties together, stay together! :slight_smile:

Most importantly, please be encouraged and remember that you’re not alone in experiencing attachment-related challenges in your relationship (many people do actually!), and seeking support and help is a positive step toward personal growth and improving your relationship.

Hope this helps!


I hope you are feeling better and able to manage your emotions and thoughts. You might need a high level of reassurance whenever your girlfriend is not around/texts back late. No worries abt that, I am like that too. Hope you guys talk and dont let this spoil the beautiful relationship that you both have.

Hello @sanjula

Thanks for sharing more about your relationship here. I definitely relate with some of the struggles that you have. In my previous relationships, I have been in those spirals where I struggle to understand why my partner did not prioritise spending time with me.

While it is sweet that you want to be as close and spend as much time as possible with your girlfriend, I’m glad you realised that it might be an unrealistic expectation. I’m curious if you have tried to ponder more on this? What then is a realistic expectation, that can help you feel more at ease? Perhaps it would then be easier for your girlfriend to work on a compromise when you two discuss the issue.

Also, I’m wondering if you have taken the time to understand what your girlfriend does in the time that she’s away from you. Perhaps it would be easier for you to understand why she needs the time away and to support the cause that she believes in. Similarly, it might also be worth exploring a cause that you want to contribute to and something you can do in your free time. That way, you would not be spending the time away waiting for your girlfriend to text back.

Another suggestion that I have is to try to get to know each others’ circle of friends. This would allow opportunity for group hangouts and be close to your girlfriend’s support system.

Lastly, I just want to say that I’m proud of you for taking the time to reflect and recognise some of your behaviours that might be unhealthy. Awareness is the first step and you’re definitely on the right track to being a better partner! :muscle:t2: :sparkles: :heart: