I am in a very terrible emotional state. I am afraid that I am going to ruin my relationship yet again with my insecurity. When I am triggered, the fear of losing my partner is just so intense. I ended up sending multiple messages and calls. I am thinking that if I were to leave him alone and wait for him to reply my message, he will forget about me and leave. I dun want the same thing to happen to my present relationship. It is on the verge of ending and I want to do something about it before it is too late. Help me!
Can u trace back the roots of ur insecurities? What trauma caused ur anxious attachment? Heal that n read up about dealing with those mentioned? Im not a professional n just some random guy
I read about that. I dun know what caused it. But I want to get out of it.
Hi @LilacMist Agree with @user1138, it seems that there are some unresolved attachment issues that might be triggering this response. Have you had previous relationships (romantic or nonromantic) that might have informed this behavior?
Hi @LilacMist ,
I hear the fear and emotional intensity you’re feeling right now, and I can tell this situation is deeply overwhelming for you. It’s clear that you care so much about this relationship and are trying everything you can to prevent losing your partner, and that’s a very human reaction when we’re afraid of losing something we value. Let’s take a moment to pause and acknowledge how real this fear feels for you right now.
I can see that you’re feeling like if you don’t reach out or send messages, your partner might forget about you or leave. It makes sense that you want to keep that connection strong, especially when the fear of losing is so intense.
It sounds like you’re stuck in a cycle where you want reassurance, but the more you reach out, the more it might be pushing your partner away. You’re not alone in feeling like this—many people feel the same when they fear losing someone they care about. But sometimes, our need for immediate reassurance makes us act in ways that can unintentionally hurt the very relationship we want to save.
Let’s try something different. Instead of reacting to the fear by sending multiple messages or calls, what if you gave yourself a few moments to pause and ask: What am I feeling right now? Is it fear, sadness, or anxiety? By identifying the feeling, you might be able to manage it better without reacting out of panic. You can even try writing down your thoughts before reaching out, just to see if it helps to calm that urge.
The important thing is recognizing that your feelings are valid, but how you choose to act on them can change the outcome. You deserve a relationship where you feel secure, but part of that security comes from learning how to soothe your own fears.
Would you be open to trying some grounding techniques or exercises that can help you manage your emotions when you feel triggered? It’s not about stopping the fear—it’s about learning how to navigate it in a way that doesn’t harm your relationship or yourself.
Take care of yourself, and we are here if you want to explore more ways to cope with these intense emotions.
Thanks for the response. I am willing to do anything and everything it takes to get out of this cycle. I am willing to try grounding techniques / exercises that can help me.
I have tried seeking help from professionals but none worked, from seeing psychiatrists, counselling. I don’t know what to do.
Perhaps let me share specific events in the past with you, maybe you can help me identify the root cause and how to go about resolving it?
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During my secondary school days, a few guys expressed interest in me. However, my parents were very strict and did not allow me to hang out with friends or let them call our home. When someone tried to call, my parents would scold them, and eventually, they stopped trying. One of the boys I liked ended up liking another classmate. I believe that was when I started making calls to him from a public phone.
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This was about my ex-boyfriend, A, whom I met during my university days. When we started dating, he had just broken up with his ex-girlfriend after a 10-year relationship. Deep down, I wondered why he chose me over her, given how long they had been together. I felt very insecure, constantly worrying that they were still in love and that he might eventually leave me for her. One night, I asked him to call her and tell her we were together. He pretended to make the call, but later, his friend told me he had lied. He had only pretended to talk to her. They shared mutual friends, and when they organized a gathering, he did not want to bring me along, even though the others were bringing their partners. He eventually brought me, but he ignored me the entire night and left me alone at the venue. After three months, he broke up with me and got back together with her.
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The next incident was with a guy, B. He was never officially my boyfriend, but we were on the verge of getting together. At the time, it was just three months before my wedding. My ex-husband and I had dated for four years before deciding to marry. During that time, I felt stable and free from anxiety. However, I started to develop feelings for Guy B and considered calling off the wedding because I had fallen in love with him. We spent time together every day and acted like a couple. To be clear, I did tell him I was engaged and wore my engagement ring.
Two months before the wedding, I thought Guy B was interested in another girl, so I decided to proceed with the wedding and let go of my feelings for him. We did not contact each other for a month, but just a few days after my wedding, he reached out, and we met up. I did not tell him I was already married. On the day I left for my honeymoon, he called to tell me he liked me. We stayed in constant contact during the honeymoon.
After the honeymoon, I told my ex-husband that I wanted an annulment. I continued to see Guy B, and we became closer. He even took me to meet his parents during Chinese New Year. I was planning to tell him about my marriage and the annulment process, but my mother saw a call from him and told him the truth about my marriage. That was when everything changed. I fell into depression, attempted suicide, and ultimately lost him.
After that, I tried to reach out to him, but he ended up with another girl. He told me he was hurt that I had not told him the truth myself and that hearing it from my mother made him feel like a third party. I had already informed my mum I wanted the annulment. After this incident, I did not speak to my parents for three years because I was deeply hurt, and the entire situation completely changed my life. -
Three years later, my ex-boyfriend A and I reconciled and dated for three years before deciding to get our flat. During that time, I was waiting for his proposal. However, he started saying I was too clingy and became distant. He asked for a three-month cooling-off period, and I agreed.
One day, a friend of his told me he was dating a nightclub girl from China, just six months before we were supposed to collect the keys to our flat. The girl even called and scolded me, accusing me of being the third party, when in fact, she was. Ex-boyfriend B then asked to reconcile, and I said I could forgive him, but only if he cut off all contact with her, changed his number, and made a clean break. He refused, saying she was very pitiful. We broke off. -
This ex-boyfriend, C, was my classmate during my EMBA days and was still married at the time. I did not want to be with him because of his marital status, but he showed me legal papers he had asked his lawyer to prepare. He also assured me that he would initiate the divorce after our graduation, as his studies were sponsored by his company, and he did not want to jeopardise that.
However, two years passed, and he still had not initiated the process. I became impatient and kept asking him for a date to move forward. Eventually, he said I was being cranky, and he left me. He is divorced now. -
This is about my ex-boyfriend, D. When I met him, he was already divorced with three kids, and he had been married to his ex-wife for over 20 years. I did not have any trust issues with him, nor did I worry that he would be interested in another woman. However, after dating for over 2.5 years, I had never met any of his friends, and although he was very active on Facebook, he never posted a photo of us together.
In the back of my mind, I constantly wondered if he might reconcile with his ex-wife, given their long history. He eventually told me that I was mentally unstable and suggested I seek treatment. He even initiated a meeting with my parents and siblings to understand what happened during my childhood that made me so insecure. My behavior became too overwhelming for him, and he ultimately gave up and left.
Childhood Days
During my younger years, I was cared for by my grandparents, and my grandfather doted on me. I would often call him to bring me to stay with them because I didn’t like going home to my parents. They were always scolding and caning me, often so severely that the marks on my legs were visible, which made going to school very embarrassing. My classmates would comment on the marks, and I often felt excluded from activities because of my strict and controlling parents.
One incident I vividly remember was when a boy called my home, and my mother came to school during recess to drag me home. She cut my fringe extremely short, and I felt humiliated. This happened during my secondary school days. I also felt embarrassed when my mother caned me in public, ensuring the cane marks were visible for the neighbors to see.
To this day, I do not feel close to my mum. I don’t miss her, and I dread going home. I have no desire to visit my parents. I hated my mum for the things she did to me in the past, especially for constantly interfering in my relationships. Her actions left a lasting impact, and I still struggle with the resentment I feel towards her. Growing up, my mum often used vulgarities with us, which added to the strain. I got married hastily, partly to escape their control. After the annulment, I rented rooms and never wanted to move back home.
In all the past relationships, I had the tendency to spam messages and calls.
Hi @LilacMist thank you for taking the time to respond! I can see that you’ve really put a lot of thought and heart into laying out your history.
If I were to make a few guesses based on what you’ve described, as well as your childhood growing up, I wonder whether you might be deriving your sense of self-worth from your romantic relationships. It seems that growing up, your relationship with your parents was poor, and it doesn’t seem like you received a lot of the care you needed from them.
It seems to me that there might be a pattern of using the attention that you receive from relationships with men to construct your self-worth. Spamming messages and calls might then be the means by which you sustain your sense of self-worth, and when the attention of your partners drift, you grasp harder in order to feel reassured and cared for.
I want to ask: When you’re not in a relationship with a guy, are you happy with life? Do you have fulfilling job/hobbies/friends that make you feel like life is worth living and that you are happy to wake up every morning?
If the answer is yes, then I would be curious why do you constantly need to feel reassured by your partners?
Hi @anonymous428 ,
Yes, you’re absolutely right. I do derive my sense of self-worth from my romantic relationships, and I often crave their attention. If I don’t get a reply within the time frame I’m comfortable with, it triggers my anxiety and I start overthinking—wondering if he’s stopped loving me, had a change of heart, or lost interest.
When a relationship ends, I find myself in a very bad state. After my last breakup, I took a month off from work, stayed home, and lost interest in everything. Am I happy when I’m not in a relationship? My friends have told me I lost my happy-go-lucky and cheerful self after my ex-boyfriend A. Am I truly happy? I’m not sure.
I wouldn’t say that I enter relationships just to move on, and there are still guys pursuing me. I’m highly educated, with a good career. I have friends, but we don’t hang out much because it often leads to arguments with my boyfriend, especially when I don’t stick to the time I’m supposed to be home.
I’m desperately trying to recover and overcome this because it has been haunting me for years. My insecurities have ruined all my past relationships, and I don’t want to go through this again. I truly need help to break free from this pattern.
Hi @LilacMist thank you for sharing! It really does seem that this has been a difficult pattern to be continuously re-experiencing.
If I were to guess it seems like you’ve been experiencing this pattern for a while? You mentioned that you lost your happy-go-lucky and cheerful self after my ex-boyfriend A. And it seems like you are well into a career right now.
I wonder if you’ve ever asked yourself, or asked friends around you, what does being in a relationship mean to you? Are you compelled by the intimacy/emotional support/attention of a relationship?
As a follow up question, when you say you crave their attention, how does the attention make you feel in the moment? How does the feeling change when you are not receiving it? And why is it so important that you feel like this all the time?
I’ve noticed this pattern in most of my past relationships. The only time I didn’t feel anxiety or insecurity was when my ex-boyfriend lived with me. For me, being in a relationship means having someone by my side—someone to care for me, be there for me, and love me. I’m a simple woman; I’m not materialistic, and I don’t need gifts. What I truly want is someone who loves me deeply, is patient with me, and spends time with me.
When I receive attention and reassurance, I feel happy and loved. But after a while, I start to overthink again, especially when I don’t get a response or the reply I’m hoping for. I have this deep fear of abandonment, and I often think, “He doesn’t love me anymore, he doesn’t want me anymore.” It’s a cycle I’ve been struggling with for a long time.
Hi @LilacMist you mention that being in a relationship means having someone to care for you, be there for you, and love you, all wonderful and important things!
However, it does seem like there is a disconnect between what this might mean to you, compared to what this might mean to other people. Combined with your fear of abandonment, which might heighten this feeling of insecurity.
Do you think when you are reaching out for reassurance and attention, you are contributing to, or breaking away from your fear of abandonment? Could you address your fear of abandonment in other ways?
I’ve noticed that when I cherish a relationship too much, I tend to lose myself. I want to be emotionally stable and not rely on my partner for constant reassurance and attention, but I don’t know how to address this fear. I want to feel secure within myself rather than seeking validation from my partner.
I want to really overcome this, but I really do not know how to go about.
Hi @Lilacmist,
Thank you for opening up and sharing these personal experiences. I can see how much you’ve been through, and it’s clear that your past has deeply impacted your sense of self-worth and your relationships. It sounds like there’s a lot of unresolved hurt from your childhood, especially with your parents, and I’m here to support you as you work through these feelings.
It’s completely natural to seek comfort and validation from your romantic partners, but I also hear your desire to feel secure within yourself without needing constant reassurance. That’s such a positive step forward, and it shows that you’re ready for change. It’s a journey, but it’s one you’re willing to take, and that’s where we can begin.
You mentioned wanting to feel emotionally stable and to stop relying on your partner for validation. One thing that might help is to start building a sense of emotional independence. This doesn’t mean shutting others out, but rather, learning to give yourself the validation and love that you’ve been seeking externally. A simple step could be journaling—writing down your feelings when you feel anxious or insecure can help you process them without immediately reaching out to your partner for reassurance.
I also want to encourage you to explore the feelings from your childhood. The way you were treated, the strictness, the punishments, and feeling controlled—those experiences have left emotional scars. Acknowledging those hurts, perhaps with the help of a therapist, can help you begin healing that part of yourself. You don’t need to carry that burden alone.
Finally, it’s important to remember that healing takes time. It’s okay to take small steps and to ask for help when you need it. You’re not defined by your past or your relationships. You deserve to feel secure, loved, and valued for who you are—independent of anyone else.
Take care of yourself.
Hi @LilacMist
Probably seeing a therapist to help work through the unresolved feelings of insecurity would be good! Agree with @FuYuan_Affections that exploring the feelings from your childhood with a therapist would be a good first step.
My own therapist always tells me that the different parts of ourselves all have good intentions for us. Maybe doing some reflection on how old you were when these feelings of fear and insecurity first developed, and seeing how far you’ve come since then professionally and personally could help create some distance between yourself and the fear.
Take care @LilacMist ! Do keep us posted on how you are doing.
Hi @anonymous428 & @FuYuan_Affections
Apologies for the very late response. The past two days have been challenging as I have been dealing with some intense emotions.
I had a counseling session yesterday and will be implementing the actions advised by my counselor.
The four steps she recommended are:
- Journaling—writing down my emotions and working on transforming negative thoughts into positive ones;
- If I feel the urge to send multiple messages, write them down but refrain from sending them;
- Reflect on four positive things about myself every day;
- Start with simple exercise—I plan to jog every day, even if it is a short jog.
Hello! Firstly, i would like to thank you for being brave and vulnerable with us. I understand the amount of courage needed to be open about your feelings and past so thank you for seeking help before its too late:)
I have read about you childhood days and i am so sorry you had to go through all that; it must have been hard on you. Thank you again for sharing it.
From your past relationships, it seems like there’s a recurring pattern. I understand wanting to be loved by someone because me too HAHAHAHA who doesnt right? Besides seeing a therapist and implementing their pieces of advice, i think it would be good to also mentally take a mini step back and also work on loving and focusing on urself beside ur partner. Do the things you like! For example, rock-climbing or kayaking! Personally, kayaking feels therapeutic to me because i get to be alone from people and focus on myself mentally while appreciating the nature around me. I recently also went rock-climibing and let me say, it’s not easy as i thought it would be sia :,) My arms are still sore from that session but it was really fun because it reminded myself that the only thing between me and my goal is my mind, telling me its too hard and that i should just give up 
Beside physical stuff, i also love to do skin care, hair care and body care! When you feel good, you will look good (because then you have a confident aura around you as well). Feel girly! Do you hair and tie it up in a silk bonnet like in those movies while you read a book and drink you favourite drink.
Of course, self-love will never be the same as receiving love from a significant other but i think it would help you a lot in ur overthinking! How i personally handle that is by reminding myself that i am worthy of love and that my partner is lucky to have me as much as i am lucky to have him. Remember you worth queen! Remind yourself to be proud of who you have become despite all the obstacles thrown to you.
I hope my advice help you and give you some confidence in yourself 
Do take care and remember that you are loved!