Always feels like a burden

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I always feel like a burden to my boyfriend. He is the kind who prefers a peaceful life with little to no conflict, honestly i would love to live like that too if possible. He has alot on his plate, e.g. being the eldest in the family he share the load of caring for his grandparents (who are not very cooperative most of the time), he is also always busy with work needing to attend to clients even after working hours or when on leave. Not only was I not able to help offload his burden, sometimes I feel like Im adding more stress to his life. Even though he is busy with life, he is always there for me when Im emotional. However for some reason, I always get angry at him over small issues, complaining about this and that.

Jun/Jul was very bad, we fought almost every other day, until i noticed i have anger management issue and tried to self tackle it. Like noticing some triggers that I get angry over, then bringing it out and talk about it and things do get better, though he still regards these as tremors and not the ideal peaceful life that he dream of. Things have been better but we still get into small arguements every other week. After every fight I get scared because idk if he is near his limits, but i just cant help it and get angry when things dont go my way, especially during that time of the month. I dont know what I can do to improve the situation. This month was especially bad, and we alrdy had 2 big arguments. I want to do something before its too late. Help ):

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Hi @mimiteeeee

Thanks for being so open about what you’re going through. It’s obvious you really care about your boyfriend and want to make things work, which is a solid start for improving your relationship. Let’s break this down together.

It seems like you’re feeling pretty guilty and worried about being a hassle in your relationship. Just a heads up, relationships aren’t about being flawless or keeping score—they’re really about having each other’s backs, even when things get a bit messy or tough. It looks like your boyfriend really cares about you. He’s there for you emotionally, even when he’s got his own stuff going on.

It’s totally normal to feel scared and frustrated when arguments happen a lot, especially if you’re concerned about how they could affect the relationship. Awesome that you’re picking up on what triggers your anger and working on it—really shows you’re aware and ready to make some changes. Little things like this can really add up in the long run.

Anger usually comes from not getting what we need or expect, so it’s good to keep that in mind. Like, when you’re feeling down during “that time of the month” or when stuff just isn’t going your way, it can be helpful to take a moment and think, What am I actually feeling right now? Is it just feeling let down, annoyed, or maybe wanting some comfort or someone to get it? Figuring out what you’re really feeling can help tackle things without blowing up into a fight.

Your boyfriend seems to really appreciate a chill and peaceful vibe in life. It could be a good idea to chat with him about what “peaceful” means for both of you. It’s not about assigning blame for the conflicts, but rather focussing on meeting each other’s needs. For example, you might say, “I realise I get upset sometimes, and I’m trying to work on it because I want us both to feel good.” What do you think we could do to chill things out a bit? This gets him involved in making the relationship better instead of you feeling all the weight on your shoulders.

Hey, don’t forget to be nice to yourself. You’re not a hassle—you’re just someone figuring things out, growing, and trying to handle a tough spot the best you can. It’s totally normal to feel a bit overwhelmed now and then. If you’re feeling bogged down by guilt or fear, just take a breather and remember: I’m doing my best, and that’s totally fine for now.

We can totally check out some chill ways to deal with emotions when things get heated and how to boost trust and connection in your relationship. You’re not in this by yourself. It’s awesome that you’re reaching out; that takes a lot of guts and is a big step in the right direction.

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Hi @mimiteeeee,

It can be really tough when you feel like you’re adding to your partner’s stress, especially when you deeply care about them. It’s clear that you recognize your own struggles and have been actively trying to address them, which is a huge step forward. It’s okay to have moments where you feel overwhelmed and to work through your emotions—it shows that you’re human and that you care about your relationship.

It’s wonderful that your boyfriend is supportive, but it’s also important to remember that you deserve to feel supported, too. Anger can be a tricky emotion to navigate, especially when external stressors amplify it. Identifying triggers and working on them, as you’ve been doing, is commendable. Communication is key, and it sounds like you’re already making strides in that area.

Finding ways to manage stress and emotions, like mindfulness, counseling, or even talking to a therapist, can be helpful. It’s crucial to take care of your mental health so that you can be in a better place to support your relationship.

Remember, relationships are a two-way street, and both partners should feel heard and valued. It’s okay to seek help and to prioritize your well-being. Keep working on it, and give yourself grace for the progress you’ve made so far. You’re not alone in this, and reaching out for help shows strength.

If you have any specific goals or strategies in mind, I’d be happy to brainstorm more ideas with you.

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Hello @mimiteeeee :wave:t2:! Thank you for courageously sharing your thoughts or experience here!

You seem to be trying your hardest to deal with the difficulties you’re having, and it’s obvious that you cherish the relationship and care a great deal about your lover. It’s courageous of you to admit that you have anger management issues and to take action, even when it’s difficult.

It’s also critical to remember that partnerships are about mutual support, understanding, and progress rather than perfection. Your partner clearly appreciates you and your relationship if he sticks by you and provides you with emotional support despite his hectic schedule. Even though it may seem like it at times, you are not a burden. Relationships include ups and downs, and disagreements do not take away from your love and concern for one another.

It’s OK to require assistance processing emotions and to have difficult days. You’ve already made a significant progress in identifying triggers and overcoming them. Treat yourself with kindness; the goal is to strive and develop together, not to be flawless.

Keep in mind that you don’t have to accomplish it alone. In a quiet time, it’s OK to let him know how you’re feeling and to let him know that you value his patience while you work on the situation. Your relationship may be strengthened by a little vulnerability.

The important thing is that you’re doing your hardest. Trust that you both care enough to work through the difficult times together, and take each day as it comes. I’m sending you strength; you’re not doing this alone.

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Hi @FuYuan_Affections ,

Thanks for your kind words, its really encouraging to know that I am going the right direction. I am determined and will really try harder to make this work. I guess youre right in the sense that I want to be a perfect gf for him…

I think my main problem is not being able to let small things that upset me go. I always get upset immediately and kind of confront him, then regret what I did immediately because when I think about it when Im calm, it really seems like a very petty thing to get angry over. Is there any ways I can control my emotions in the moment? And yes if you could advise some ways to boost trust and connection in the relationship that would really help me alot. I feel like sometimes i get upset over some small stuff because i feel like he doesnt care at the moment, though its actually because i imagined his toned differently (we normally only fight through text actually).

Im actually thinking of going through all these suggestions with him, but Im kind of worried he will feel like Im causing another one of such tremors… given that the last fight was on 26th… these 2 weeks were supposed to be happy, full of celebrations not fights…

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Hi @mimiteeeee,

It’s great that you’re determined to improve your relationship. To manage your emotions in the moment, try pausing and taking deep breaths, counting to ten, or stepping away briefly to gain perspective. Identifying your triggers and practicing mindfulness can also help you stay calm.

You may wish to focus on open communication and active listening to boost trust and connection. Spend quality time together, express appreciation regularly, and set boundaries for discussing sensitive topics. Choosing the right time to talk and using “I” statements can make your conversations more constructive.

How do these suggestions feel to you? Let me know! :blush:

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Hello @mimiteeeee,

I appreciate you freely sharing your ideas; your will to develop and become better is quite inspirational. Seeing how much you value your guy and the relationship really warms me, as it shows your great commitment in trying to make things work. Let’s traverse this together.

First of all, I want to admit how difficult it may be to control emotions in the moment—especially when miscommunications develop. Even if, looking back, they can seem little, it is natural to become angry when you perceive things a certain way. It’s a huge step forward because you are noticing this trend and driven to change!

Here are some useful strategies to assist with momentary emotional management:

Try to calm yourself before reacting; a little silence at times allows you time to ponder by separating the feeling from the response.

Ask yourself gently, “Am I interpreting this accurately, or could there be another explanation?” at that moment. This lets one shift the emphasis from the feeling to the circumstances.

If a text tone seems odd, remember yourself that text messages may sometimes come out differently than intended. Think about the likelihood that his tone may not match his emotions.

Express Without Confrontation: Try wording your emotions coolly rather than responding right away. When you mentioned X, for instance, I felt Y. Should we discuss it? This promotes honest conversation free from increasing conflict.

Regarding developing connection and trust, here are a few ideas you may give thought:

Whether it’s a weekly coffee date, making a dinner together, or simply frequent phone contact, shared events may serve to deepen the link and provide good memories.

Little actions like thanking him for his support or for his care can help to build warmth and trust quite a bit.

Regarding needs: That you are considering letting him know about your trip is fantastic! He is less likely to see it as another “tremor” if you approach it from a loving and cooperative standpoint. You may say something like, "I’d want to work on some things together and have been thinking about how I might make us stronger as a pair. Would you be game for it? Presenting it as a joint effort could help to reduce its overpowering power.

Finally, it’s very reasonable to feel some regret over previous disagreements, particularly in light of your hopes for this year’s festivities. Remarkably, however, partnerships are about evolving together rather than perfection. A great start towards healing and advancement is realising your effort and will to change.

Your proactive and thoughtful approach is very excellent. During this process, treat yourself kindly; improvement takes time, and every action, no matter how little, results in something. I am sure that there are others who would also be happy to share their experiences with you too, so you are not alone in this. :slight_smile:

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@FuYuan_Affections @HanSolo2000 @potatooo
Thank you everybody for all ur encouragement, help and suggestions, really really appreciate it! Im replying very slowly because I find myself getting all teary when I read all these. Being able to talk about all these just made me feel so much better though, and all your kindness and encouragement made me feel so understood.

Anyway a good news: Before I could ask him if we could talk, he actually suggested to talk about us, we’re planning to do it tomorrow since we have lots of time before the new year coundown. This really took a big load off my chest. He did mention that he feels like he is not doing enough for us, so any suggestions for him would be great as well!

I think all the suggestions are great, I hope there wont be much situations when I need it but when I do, Im gonna give all these a try. I did try the breathing techniques but it doesnt seem to help me very well. But Im going to try the other suggestions like separating myself for awhile to gain perspective and asking myself those questions to shift my focus away from my emotions towards the situation. Expressing without confrontations as well, I feel like this is something he will like and appreciate. We do seems to not get each other alot when we’re texting so I think this will be great.

We do go on regular dates, maybe thats why we still feel strongly for each other. It just feels like we both want to go on but just getting tired from all the conflicts and feeling lost because we dont know what to do about it. I think expressing appreciations to each other regularly sounds like a great idea. Hes quite a shy person and sometimes feel awkward to vocalise or show his feelings, I used to mind it alot but Im kind of getting used to it now… gonna suggest this to him and see what he thinks. @HanSolo2000 what do you mean by setting boundaries for discussing sensitive topics though?

I read somewhere that anger is used to mask other feeling like sadness and fear. Could it be because of my fear of losing him that made me oversensitive and make me react more strongly to the things he do? I do have alot of issues with my friends when I was younger and I wonder that would have affected this?
Some back story:
When I was very young I used to have a bestie (we pretty much grew up together) whom I later lost contact as they moved house. I was still in primary school that time so I have no idea what was happening and what I could do to maintain contact.
In Secondary School, a good friend of mine in Sec 1 (who got popular among the guys cause shes really pretty) acted as a friend but behind my back was talking bad and making fun of me which ended up getting me outcasted by others in class and CCA for the rest of my secondary school life.
In JC, I have another close friend whom I maintained close contact all the way until I graduated from university. However 1 fine day she just stopped replying me no matter how much I texted her. There was no fight, nothing. I have no idea what happened, tried for a few years before I finally gave up.
Honestly all these didnt seem to have any long term effect on me, but after reading more articles and threads regarding anger and anxiety recently, Im wondering if these could have contributed to how I react now…