What can i do?

Ask a Therapist Seeking Help
1

Lately there are always issues in my relationship.
I do not know why my views are wrong. I do not have siblings and do not talk to my parents so i do not have anyone to reach out and ask.

I am not able to ask my friends as they feel my bf is not in the same calibre as me and thus that they keep saying i settled for something low.

I am someone who sees way past all these factors. I see the person as a whole and i have accepted him.

I just need someone to talk to like share my feelings. Mostly i feel sad that i do have anyone to share how i feel about things openly and without judging me.

Thank you for reading.

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Hi @user921

Thank you for sharing with us your feelings on this platform, I hear you, and I want to acknowledge the courage it takes to share these feelings. It sounds like you’re going through a challenging time, feeling a lack of support and understanding from those around you. I can see that you value your relationship and see your partner for who he is, beyond societal judgments.

It’s completely okay to feel the need for someone to talk to, to share your thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment. I’m here to provide a safe space for you to express yourself openly and honestly. Your feelings are valid, and it’s important to explore them without the weight of external opinions.

I would also like you to know that when you need to talk to someone about your issues, it would be great if you could approach a trusted adult that you can be open with, or even a mental health professional, who is trained to empathise and validate your emotions and also provide suggestions to help you cope. These professionals will provide a safe and non-judgmental place for you to share your feelings and struggles.

Some places that you can speak to a mental health professional:

Last but not least, I’m curious to hear more about what’s been on your mind and how these dynamics in your relationship are affecting you. Take your time, and feel free to share as much or as little as you’re comfortable with. We are here to support you.

Looking forward to hearing more.

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@cottonsoul

Hi,

I want to thank you for reaching out to me @cottonsoul.
I am aware every relationship has ups and downs. Just lately maybe say since a month so many
issues have been on the rise. I feel very sad about why such problems exist.

I tried to go to counselling but I was financially tight.
I wanted to get help. Eventually, I did go and the person just said to leave this relationship.
That was not what I was looking for. I am looking for strategies on how to improve my communcation so that it will not trigger any problems.

I do have adults I can speak to but they are just judgemental and will tell me if the relationship is not working out then leave it. Everyone in this world does not start any relationship with the intention to leave one day. There will be problems but how you face them and get better is far more important. I write journals when I am upset or very happy. But writing has also not given any solution. I feel sad as my reactions are the cause of our arguments. Even if I get angry or don’t they are still an issue.

I will maybe say the scenario that happened recently. I feel alone as to why things keep happening this way and I am not being able to be happy. We were a happy couple until a month ago when my bf got new friends in TikTok.

He has introduced them to me and I am ok and even encouraged him to talk to them. His rationale for getting friends is his parents are aging, and his family is not close to the relatives. So if anything happens, he has his friends. I truly appreciate and support the idea.

I just noticed that one of his friends (a girl) who is a divorcee with 3 kids, always calling him and talking to him. I felt she was taking away all our private time together. He was also constantly chatting with her and telling her about his day-to-day activities. Initially, everything is ok but as time went by I felt he was more focused on the phone than on my conversations.

I felt alone and I confronted him and he got angry, he said I did not like him having friends and that is why I was reacting as such. Small arguments kept coming up but we resolved. Then a major argument happened in his parent’s house. I thought that this was the end of the relationship. The main issue for the argument, he is able to talk to his colleagues and his old and new friends properly. When I asked anything in general, he either snapped or got angry and when I confronted that emotion it got worse. I tried to remain calm but it did not help. He said I was angry about everything and I needed to work on my anger.

I agree and acknowledge that I get triggered easily but I am willing to work on it.
I do not know why he is not able to see his side of the mistake and when I pinpoint it he gets very angry.

I do admit I feel left out and jealous when he talks to her. I know for sure and completely trust him 100% he is not cheating on me. Is just that when someone else besides me is receiving more attention than me, I fear losing him and the relationship. I do trust him. I know him as a friend and then we started the relationship. I am not sure why I feel the way I feel. Sometimes all these thoughts make me feel I have a mental issue.

Another friend (a girl) bought him a watch, I was supposed to buy him that and I got so angry and pissed once again. Then we argued. He does not understand how I feel about this.
He only sees that I get angry but does not understand why. All these little things will cause problems in a relationship. Why are we getting someone a gift when it is not their birthday and they only know him for a month! These questions linger deep in my heart and keep me awake at night. After so much thinking I begin to cry then I take annrex to sleep. I know this habit is unhealthy.

I still do not understand why as a gf I am not allowed to get jealous and why hearing this he gets angry. Every attempt to talk sometimes fails miserably. That is why i wrote in my post I do not know what is wrong and how to solve this.

For now, I am trying to let go, I told him to not share so much with his friends as these can be potential future problems. I want to be the only girlfriend buying him things besides his parents and siblings and his children. Is that intention of mine wrong as we argue mostly about this! He says I am not accepting but I feel this is against my principles.

I hope to hear from you and maybe your view can also make me better understand myself.

Thank you for suggesting me some places I can reach out to. I reached out to limitless.

Thank You for reading and hope to hear from you… :grinning:

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Hi @user921 !

Thank you for your response, I want to express my deep appreciation for your openness in sharing your thoughts and feelings. It takes courage to reach out, and I’m here to offer support and understanding. I also want to say that I’m really proud of you for reaching out to the various sources of support (like Limitless) and it shows us that you want to see a change in your life! I’m encouraged by your willingness.

I’m also so sorry to hear that your previous counseling experience did not provide the guidance you were seeking. I hear that you are looking for strategies to improve communication and foster a healthier connection with your partner and I can see that you are facing an and emotionally challenging situation within your relationship. The feelings of sadness, loneliness, and the struggle with communication are undoubtedly difficult to hold, and I completely empathise with your feelings.

Having feelings of jealousy and inadequacy in a relationship can be intricate, and I want you to know and recognize that your emotions are 100% valid, and exploring the roots of these feelings can help you to understand yourself better.

Perhaps you could bring up this topic to your therapist and discuss the deeper issues on the feelings of jealousy or inadequacy, and you could also discuss ways to help your partner understand and empathise with you better too?

You could also try this conversation tool that might be helpful for you when bringing up these topics to your partner. When you go through this tool, I hope it equips you with more confidence to discuss your feelings with your partner too.

Now, let’s try to process further:

  1. How can you and your partner work together to establish healthy boundaries with friends while maintaining open communication and understanding?

  2. In what ways can you both express and validate each other’s feelings, developing a more empathetic and supportive connection?

Let’s continue to process this and hopefully help you to get the courage to work on these issues with your partner directly too! Please also do continue to speak to your therapist so that you have a clearer idea on the strategies you can use to improve your communication with your partner.

Hear from you soon!

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Hi @cottonsoul ,

Thank you very much for reaching out. I tried all possible suggestions and mostly the age group they support is less than 25 years old.

It is ok. I think for now i just share here. I am trying my best to be open minded. Somehow it is not working out best for me.

Thank you for the strategies. At this current time whatever i say…all my words are a issue. Everything from my mouth seems to be a issue. Just have zero motivation to carry on to do anything. I am just going to keep quiet. Hoping when i keep quiet problems will not arise much.

I do not know whenever i try to talk about problems or ask what is wrong, the problem becomes bigger.

I do not think at this time is the best to validate the feelings. It is of no use as well.

We just spoke about it yesterday and today another issue happened. I am not sure where the mistake is. I am having a heavy heart. He does not like collar t -shirts. Then suddenly he wanted to buy one. I just asked why this change and he says my questioning technique is wrong. I do not know what i did wrong. When i tried to speak about it he just got angry.

I have fear and i have acknowledged that. But sadly not knowing how to solve this. This last month november and december just having problems after problems.

Every time i try to talk he gets angry.

I am just sad why my situation has been in such a state. I managed to be with him after so many ups and downs. Everything was going well till recently. I am just very tired and mostly feel lonely. Sometimes being silent is the best option.

Sometimes i do not know why i cry. I feel sad but no solution to my problem.

In this platform i can share how I feel. For now i can manage with it. Sometimes I wish I had a sibling or good friend. I have a good friend, but she will say just drop all these. If every relationship we drop and go then noone will be with anyone.

I am not close to my family. I do not talk to my parents and so having my own family matters alot for me. Now at this point i do not know if we will marry. So much of fear in me. Everytime we solve the problem we argue for another. What has happened that there is so much hatred i begin to wonder.

Thank you for reading.

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Hi @user921

I’m truly sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way, and I want you to know that your feelings are valid. I can see that you’re going through a difficult time, and it’s completely understandable that you’re feeling tired, lonely, and overwhelmed.

It takes a lot of courage to express your feelings, and I appreciate you sharing your struggles with me. I’m really glad to see that you’ve been making an effort to communicate and understand the dynamics in your relationship. Yes, it is really common for relationships to face difficulties, and the emotional toll can be quite heavy.

I can imagine how feeling unheard or misunderstood can be very distressing. I want to acknowledge the weight of your experiences and the impact they’re having on your well-being. - they are all valid and very real. It’s okay to feel unsure about the future and to recognize your fears. Sometimes, having someone objective to talk to can make a huge difference. Your emotions are valid, and I want to assure you that there is support available.

If you ever feel the need to share more or explore your feelings further, I’m here for you. Do continue to share your feelings with us, we’re here to hold the space for you :slight_smile:

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Hi @cottonsoul ,

Sorry for the late reply. I mean the baseline of everything seems to be my anger. I have anger issues but i have changed myself over the years.

Somehow as they were not part of my life previously they feel that now my anger is alot. I can only make and change myself. But if constantly i am being picked on then nth can be done.

I have even worked out my reasons for my anger:

  1. When I explain something and is not even heard upon.
  2. When i have made prior arrangements then last minute without explaining there are changes.
  3. When getting feedback from adult the feeback is only given as i have anger management issues. Then what about my bf, he does not get angry?
  4. When my intuition says someone has bad intentions you do not move away something terrible happens.
  5. Talking abt how alone i am without my family and how i do not know how to respect elders or bond in a family.

If i do not how to respect the elders my bf family would not have accepted me.

For now not much of strategies in hand.

  1. Pray
  2. Meditate
  3. Keep quiet mostly to avoid problems
  4. Not go over often
  5. Exercise (Ă—2 times a week)
  6. Explain less

Anyone can explain but i feel better to step back and have more room and time for myself. My strategies might not solve my issues but yes i know i do know i do not create any problems.

I wanted to sit on sunday and talk things out. Sometimes the behaviour displayed makes me feel should i even try? I am scared as i do not want the issue to go bigger. I had to kind of force him to talk. He did not want it.

Simple incident like saving money and not taking grab. I mean i have explained myself. When i explain i feel like low, even though is a good option. This is a want and not a need.

Let’s see how it goes.

Thank you for reading.

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Hi @user921 !

I hear you, and I appreciate you sharing these feelings and experiences. It sounds like you’ve been reflecting on your emotions and trying to understand the roots of your anger, and I’m glad to see you processing these feelings.

I can see that you managed to identify specific triggers for your anger, such as not being heard, last-minute changes, and receiving feedback that may not feel fair. I’m also happy to see that you’ve outlined some strategies to cope with these emotions, such as prayer, meditation, exercise, and giving yourself space :slight_smile:

It’s also understandable that discussing these issues with your partner might be scary and frustrating at the same time, and it’s okay to feel scared about potential conflict. I hope that you will find the courage to speak to him and communicate your deepest thoughts with him, and I hope the both of you will have enough strength to have closure on this topic.

I affirm your efforts, and I am proud of you for trying. Let us know how it goes? We’ll hear from you soon.

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Hi @cottonsoul ,

Sorry for the late reply. Firstly i was away on the trip. The trip had some issues as well but when we came back we sorted them out. We were happy that we spoke out how we feel and set boundaries.

There were problems again due to his friend, the lady who had bought him a watch and perfume previously. She was unable and i texted her to check how she was. She replies my bf but not me. So when i raise this with my bf he says i am over reacting. He is failing to understand a point these ppl are creating issues in a relationship.

I tried in many ways to explain but i was not able to get through. He has to self realise himself that this is a bad friendship. It might be or it might not be. I am unsure of it. My gut says this is not.

Sometimes we can tell someone something is not right but they have to figure it out. Currently i am not able to make my bf understand this so i need to let it off. I am working on by day basis now. I previously suggested strategies to help my relationship.
I feel i need to heal from incidents. I need to fogive and forget. Let go of what is unwanted in me. Without healing i cannot and will not be able to handle anything right.

I want to take time to heal and let go of all the bad things that happened to me.

  1. Past relationships
  2. Childhood unsettled feelings
  3. Unsettled feelings from previous relationships

Anyway it is 2024 already and i wrote my reply half way and i stopped. Both ladies who were talking to him have stopped. I was focusing my 2 months on work as i am a mentor to a person at work.

Lately even though no other characters are in the story a fight broke out again. He has so much of anger. I am not sure where my relationship stands. I still want it but i am not able to understand why i feel so hurt.

When we say certain things are not good, why they are not able to see it. A friend recommend to me this technique on top of what i am trying to do. She mentioned to just show love and do not advise, do not instruct. Just love and focus on my myself. I am not sure but willing to try. I personally feel very broken maybe as i come up with so much strategies and why i am always misunderstood for everything.

It hurts but i focus on my work. I use the fact i have work to just do work and not ineterfere much in anything. I am letting go on my way. I am not aure if it is even correct.

I put all problems in a bag and have diverted the focus to me. I need to settle a few things.

  1. House renovations
  2. Save for the items to be purchased for the house
  3. House warming ceremony and moving in
  4. Build up my savings
  5. Save to get married ( i am not sure if he feels the same way)

I am very attached to everything. Now i am trying to be just quiet. I do not feel like talking. I also do not want to upset anyone around me as well. My goals are spelled out and just hoping to achieve them.

Tomorrow is valentine’s day and i do not feel it. I have questions like why are we always fighting? Are we meant for each other? Just sad. :roll_eyes:

Thank you for reading the long message :pray: :blush:.

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Hi @user921 thank you for sharing your personal story. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a challenging time in your relationship. It’s important to prioritize open and honest communication with your boyfriend. Consider expressing your feelings and concerns calmly, using “I” statements to avoid blame. Actively listen to his perspective as well. I know you were financially tight and the previous counsellor unable to help your situation, but consider to find a trusted mutual friend who can talk in a neutral ground to understand your boyfriend’s point of view as well.

On the other hand, managing stress from house renovations, savings, and future plans can be overwhelming. Break down your goals into smaller, manageable steps, and communicate openly with your boyfriend about shared responsibilities. Take time for self-care, and if needed, consider seeking support from friends, family, to navigate through these challenges. Remember, it’s okay to seek help and take things one step at a time. Take care, :orange_heart: