Is my boyfriend controlling?

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hi all,

first of all, i want to preface by saying that i don’t think i am a perfect human being and neither am i perfect partner. my bf and i have been together for about 10 months now and we’ve been through quite a bit together and i am ultimately really grateful for him.

so this question sparked because we got a relatively good queue number for our BTO and i started having a lot of doubts since last week (when HDB sent us the message regarding our flat selection date). my bf and i stay really far from each other and this BTO is near his parents’ place. i was crying almost everyday the past 1.5 weeks bcos i couldn’t process the fact that i will be staying so far away from my parents. but i mean i chose this when i decided to date him, so i am not blaming him for it. i tried to reconcile with that fact but i kept having issues about the house. so initially when we applied last October, i thought the chances of us getting it was very low, because of all the horror stories i heard about applying for BTO. i did barely any research on it (my fault i admit) and when we got our queue number, i realised that the location of the house is not really ideal (pretty far from MRT and the amenities nearby are pretty run down). i tried to bring it up to him about it and expressed my concern but he blamed me for being negative and bringing our moods down. first time i brought the location concern up, he got upset and kinda brushed it off. then asked if i could be more excited about it. i tried but the issue was never resolved, and i could not be “excited”. the flat we were considering didn’t seem to have very good ventilation either from the laundry side, so i was worried that our clothes in the future wont dry very well and we would have to rely on a dryer (which would incur higher electricity costs). then he got upset again and said that it was the second time we had to talk about “concerns abt the flat” and me being overly worried is just dumping on him. but i was just genuinely concerned and i wanted to propose another flat option.

anyways besides the BTO, we will both be graduating from university this year and i was really looking forward to having grad trips with my friends. however, because of a trip with one of my close girl friends last year, he felt i wasn’t affectionate enough when we called during my trip and i was being mean to him while we were miles apart. i was unwell and really needed to rest but he asked to call every night and wanted me to consistently express that i missed him. at that point, my friend was slightly annoyed because she felt that he was being too needy or clingy and why couldn’t he understand that i was unwell and needed to rest. i did not really know how to balance being between the two of them, because my bf felt that she was just never in a relationship before and doesn’t know what it’s like. i don’t think it’s his fault because he just wanted more affection from me which he did not really receive.

moving on, he felt that he could not deal with me being overseas without him. i was really looking forward to grad trips with different groups of my friends, but because of that trip last year, he felt that if i went on trips without him, i am risking our relationship. he felt that he could not deal with a similar incident happening until after my work trip which starts in the first week of my fulltime work. his rationale was that my work trip is compulsory, so if anything happens, he would try to remain understanding and support me regardless. whereas if i decide to go on a trip with my friends, i am willingly putting our rs on the line. and if i could not deal with not going on trips with my friends before then, then he wont be able to stay in the rs either. so we had an agreement that i could go on trips with him instead. i was a little upset but i was fine that i still get to travel and i got to travel with him. however, he just got an internship earlier this year which will last till i start full time work. moreover, he only has very limited leave days that we will already be using to go on a trip with his family. this means that i wont have any trips planned this holiday, and i have to come up with excuses to not go for trips with friends who ask me along, so that i don’t “put my rs on the line”. i felt that i really wanted the rs to work out, but at the same time it is my last long holiday to go on more overseas trips without worrying about taking leaves, so travelling and exploring the world is something i really want to do too.

yesterday, one of my friends pointed out to me that some of my friends are rather upset with the fact that i have been spending less time with them because i have been spending most of my time with my bf. i agree with that and i used to go out like 2 to 3 times a week with different friends. i love spending time with friends because i grew up an only child and they are pretty much family to me. over time, i realised that this rs put a strain on a lot of my relationships with different friends. he would get suspicious of some of my guy friends (even though i was friends with them for longer than i knew him and they have been with me through rough patches in my previous relationships too). if anything were to happen with my guy friends, it would have happened long ago. moreover, these guy friends are usually part of cliques with other girls too, and there was nothing scandalous going on. there was no flirting or touchy things going on, just friends who were there to listen to me and support me when i was going through some rough times in university.

i tend to cry very easily and i do not like conflict so i withheld a lot of these feelings because i don’t want to make us upset. but i worry that these will grow into resentment. with our bto flat selection coming up, it is making me rethink if the direction of this rs is how i really want it to be. i understand that he just wants me to prioritise our time together, but i cant help but feel that it has become a him vs my friends situation. he does not really have many good things to say about my friends (both females and males). he often tells me to find better friends and that a lot of them just doesn’t have rs experience or those who are attached just don’t have good rs boundaries.

i wanted to know if i am overthinking things and whether my bf has controlling tendencies. how should i approach this and let him know that i don’t feel comfortable with some of these things? i don’t really want to consider breaking up because he is really caring otherwise. he tries to make sure he is not being double standard in terms of interacting with his friends, and he dotes on me.

the past 2 weeks especially has been really tough, i could not confide in my friends, nor my parents because i do not want them to have a poor impression of him, and i wish to get a view as objective as possible. so thank you for taking your time to read through all of this, and thank you for making me feel a little less lonely.

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Heyyy thanks for sharing so candidly 🫶🏼🫶🏼
From all that you’ve shared, it sounds like you’re feeling quite a bit of uncertainty and doubts, which is perfectly normal as we all navigate through young relationships :’)
10 months is a really short amount of time to start considering a lifelong union, no matter how others (especially older friends/relatives) in your life may tell you to lock in a bto as soon as possible!!
I feel that any relationships should be based in mutual trust and respect, and with tender loving and acceptance for each other’s wishes and goals in life!! So I will hope for a relationship with my partner who can give us that.
maybe you can try finding out within yourself what’s impt in a relationship with a lifelong partner to you, and then that may give you some clarity about your current situation. :pray:t3: I’m curious to hear what’s your concept of a healthy relationship? Like objectively speaking~

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Dear @peep123

First of all, I want to acknowledge the bravery it takes to reflect so openly on your relationship. It’s clear you care deeply about your boyfriend and your future together, but also that you are feeling conflicted and burdened by the current dynamics.

It sounds like you’re facing a mix of genuine concerns—about the balance between your relationship and friendships, the tension around your BTO selection, and the emotional strain from unmet needs for independence and personal space. These feelings are completely valid. It’s natural to need both space for personal growth and connection with others, as well as closeness with your partner. Healthy relationships are built on trust, mutual respect, and space for both partners to maintain their individuality while nurturing their bond.

From what you’ve shared, there are moments where his actions seem to prioritise the relationship to the exclusion of other important aspects of your life, which can feel controlling. It’s important to understand that while he may be acting out of concern or love, it’s equally important for both partners to feel heard and valued for their individual needs. You deserve to feel comfortable maintaining friendships, having personal time, and pursuing things like travel without guilt or feeling like you’re “putting the relationship at risk.”

Here are a few steps you might consider:

  1. Have a calm, open conversation: Share how you’re feeling—without blame—about the concerns around the BTO, travel, and your friendships. Explain how you’ve been feeling overwhelmed and how these emotions have been building. Let him know that while you value the relationship, you also need space to nurture other parts of your life for your own well-being.

  2. Set boundaries: It’s okay to establish what’s comfortable for you in terms of time apart, friendships, and independence. Healthy relationships allow both partners to pursue their own interests, and compromise should be a two-way street.

  3. Seek compromise: Discuss how both of you can balance the time you spend together with your other needs, like traveling with friends or spending time with family. It’s important to find solutions that don’t feel like sacrifices but rather are about finding a healthy middle ground.

  4. Consider Counselling: If these conversations continue to be difficult, relationship counseling might be helpful to facilitate healthier communication and resolve underlying concerns, especially when it feels like there are patterns that could lead to resentment.

Remember, your needs are just as important as his, and it’s okay to ask for a relationship dynamic that makes you feel fulfilled and respected, not restricted. You’re not alone in feeling conflicted in a relationship—lots of people go through similar growing pains, but they can lead to stronger, more balanced partnerships when navigated with care.

Take your time, and prioritise your emotional well-being. You deserve to feel understood, valued, and free to be yourself in your relationship. Please continue express your needs although it can be uncomfortable for him to hear these. :yellow_heart:

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hi! thank you for hearing me out :slight_smile: and thank you for the question! i have honestly never thought about what i think is a healthy relationship before and I’ve been giving it some thought.

i think to me it is one based on trust and respect, just as what you have mentioned, also one that is supportive, and communication is really important too. i do wish for my partner to be supportive in the things that i do, just as i support him in his interests and endeavours. i do admit that having better communication is still something i am working on, mainly because i do not like sharing unhappy feelings and bringing our moods down, so sometimes i will keep things to myself.

having been cheated on by an ex before, i figured that setting boundaries is important too, agreeing on a boundary with my partner so we do not have misunderstandings. however, i think this ends up with me drawing lines that i am not sure is necessary.

i agree with you about 10 months being a really short amount of time to start considering BTO and other things too! initially i felt that i have been through 2 long relationships previously and I kind of already know what i want in a person, and he has traits that i want in a partner. but now i am not too sure if i am ready to sacrifice other aspects of my life (time with friends and family) to be with him for life.

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i love what youve shared about your idea of a healthy relationship and that you have your own idea about it to begin with~ :smiling_face:
about the better communication bit, youre right eh it really takes conscious effort and patience to try and be honest with our emotions yet still remain warm towards each other in the process, having a supportive partner like you said really makes a world of difference!!
agree about boundaries!!! for me, i realise boundaries also ebb and flow as we change, so constant mutual understanding and agreement on what boundaries look like for each other is also helpful! sticking to a singular boundary set sometimes makes relationships inflexible and unyielding~
ig it is an unending task figuring out what we want in life cos that changes as we age and move through the different stages, hopefully we find the person who can embrace us and whom we can embrace through the changes too, without the love between us diminishing
i guess what we have control over is always our own actions and choices, to be clear what we want to choose for ourselves at each point in time, knowing the potential downsides of our choices and having no regrets about it~
im sure you will be able to choose whats right for you hehe :heart_hands:

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you are right HAHAHA i will have to figure out what would work for me with no regrets :slight_smile:
thank you for your time and your advice!

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You’re the most welcome :hugs: our little chat gave me quite a bit to think about too hehe!! Catch you again next time, with happy updates hopefully!! 🫶🏼

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