I want to move out but I can't stop feeling sad for my dog

[user1304]

I am currently still living with my family (my sis, mom, and his husband). However they are getting a divorce soon so we will need to find a place to move (we have around 2 years for them to finalise things). The troublesome thing is, my mom is a PR. The ideal situation is, my older sis and I apply for BTO (4 room), with our mom as the essential occupier to form a family nucleus. Otherwise, we can buy resale. But we are not rich so we definitely cannot afford a resale flat.

Another issue, if i BTO with my family, then i will need to wait for 5 years MOP before I can sell my share to my sis and buy a HDB with my boyfriend. Yes I do want to move out and live with my boyfriend, i want to get married. But the thing is, if I don’t BTO with my family, if im out of the picture, my sis would NOT want to buy a house with our mom, because she hates our mom.

I told her many times that personally, I think is the best choice if she just apply for a flat (3room) with our mom because my sis is not yet 35, she dont have a partner, she can’t buy it herself anyways. Why waste the money to rent a room when she can have her own house early, and when she reach 35, she can just remove my mom’s name as occupier and live alone like she wants to. plus she’s not even working now because she claimed to be burnt out, even if she does find work, her pay won’t be that high either

Honestly it frustrate me a lot that even though she’s older, she’s still so immature. It makes me feel so stress that i have to think for her, for my mom, and for me. It seems like im the only one worrying about this situation. Why can’t she understand that she is not rich, and not capable enough to survive this situation and stop acting like a brat? Stop ordering grab for every meal just because she don’t want to eat my mom’s cooking.

I wish she can stop being so entitled and stubborn. also, it seems like my mom have no plans to go back home. and she told me if i BTO with my boyfriend, she will go rent outside. So each of them fork out 1-2k per month for rent? Why am i the only one worrying for them? It stresses me out so much and its not even my problem. Me and my boyfriend is completely capable and earning enough to BTO ourselves. But i cannot help but worry because they are my family.

Even if i buy with my family, after 5 years MOP, i will still need to sell my shares to her, I dont think she can afford to pay for the 4 room flat alone+my shares.

But yes, I understand how my sis feels, im not exactly happy with staying with our mom too. also yes i know my sis didn’t exactly receive the motherly love she deserves while growing up. but thats another long story (basically my mom have depression and my sis have a sad childhood). But I feel like sometimes we just dont get to have everything. and in this situation, must i be the only one to sacrifice? to sacrifice buying a house with someone i love so that my family can have a more stable life? why is it my responsibility? my mom already have a house in her home country so technically she can just move back. But she wants to stay.

One more thing, I have a dog, im the owner. however due to work, my dog spend most time with my mom. She became my dog’s favourite person. I feel so sad at the thought that, if i move out, my dog won’t get to spend time with my mom. and if my mom fly back home, my dog probably won’t see her forever, and i know for sure he will be devastated. This is another dilemma i have, so basically I can’t stop worrying for my family, and I can’t stop feeling sad for my dog. I just want him to be happy, but that also means I won’t be happy.

i don’t know what to do

[potatooo]

Hello @user1304 ! Thank you for sharing your experience.

Feeling in charge of your mother, sister, and even your dog’s health makes you seem like you’re carrying a lot of responsibilities. It’s very reasonable to feel overwhelmed in such a complicated circumstance, and your concern for everyone demonstrates how much you care. You find yourself in a situation where everyone’s pleasure seems to depend on choices that also need you to give up your own desires and goals, which is a lot to cling to on your own.

Even if your mother and sister are family, you don’t have to know all the answers, therefore it’s OK to feel angry with them. Desiring a steady course for the future does not imply selfishness; rather, it demonstrates consideration and realism. Since this is a special case, it’s OK if the choices don’t work out perfectly for everyone. Taking a step back and figuring out what you can manage, such as finding tiny methods to let your mother and sister know what you need without feeling like you are responsible for their whole future, may help you feel better.

You obviously want the best for your dog as well. He will always have you, and even if things change a little, he will always be happy because of your love and care for him. You could feel less pressured to find a solution if you allow yourself to recognise the affection you provide him and everyone else. You’ve done a great job managing this, and it’s OK to allow yourself to concentrate on what gives you stability and contentment. It’s necessary; it’s not selfish. You’ve got this. Take it one step at a time.

[I_listen]

Hi, user1304,

Thank you for reaching out to share your frustrations trying to help your mum and sister to think rationally about their housing plans. While you were already visualising the possible problem they might face in 2 years time, they are still behaving defiantly and insistent of not wanting to live with each other (or perhaps only your sister). You feel helpless as you don’t know how to help them to see that their current thoughts might lead them to a future problem.

Although 2 yrs is not a long time if you have to apply for a BTO flat, but I believe you can still find time to explore with your sister on possible options. Perhaps, the reasons why your sister is opposing your suggestion could be : a) she is too overwhelmed by the thought that she has to own a flat with your mum, b) there is still time to consider options, so no hurry. She might be aware of what you are seeing, but emotionally too overwhelmed to accept that as an option.

I can also hear that you already have a plan to get married and apply for your own BTO flat, thus you may want to consider helping your mum an sister to realise their housing plan without you in the picture first (i.e. not as an applicant). Normally helpers can’t figure out a solution because they have involved themselves in others’ situations, which ended up being drawn into a whirlwind of feelings. As your sister is too emotional to make rational planning, showing her some real figures might help. One possible way that could help is to draft out a few options (rental and purchase) with costs (eg. monetary, and other stuff) in short-term and long-term. Find a time when she is calmer to engage her to explore the options. Apply CBA (costs and benefits analysis) concept to get her to understand your point.

However, keep in mind that at the end of the day, both your mum and sister are matured adults, they must put on their own thinking cap and make a choice that they feel is right for them (even though what they ultimately decide may not be the best solution). In any case, there is a limit where family members can do to help. Meanwhile, keep calm and relax yourself. Perhaps, engaging in active listening and empathizing with your sister’s sharing about her resistance to apply BTO with mum, might help her to regulate her emotions better, and able to take your advice eventually.

Another problem you have raised is about your dog. I am so touched by your love for your dog. As a cats/dogs owner over a decade, I can fully empathise with your concerns. However, do understand that pets are animals that are easily bond with people who take care and love them. Dogs who might be familiar with caregivers who frequently fed and took care of them, but somehow they usually connect quickly to people who showered them with love. In other words, even if your dog is not able to live with your mum in the future, with you showing more attention and love to your dog, it will definitely feel just as happy, if not happier. I have heard many stories about people who adopted adult/senior dogs and those dogs were reported feeling happier. I am sure your dog will be happy eventually, it just take some time to adjust to the change, just like human beings.

Learn to take Deep Breathings and relax. Take Care !