I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for around 7 months and the relationship has started to fall apart. We have been having multiple talks about breaking up this past week due to differing interests and goals in life. We had this talk about 4 months into the relationship but we had concluded to try and improve ourselves to see if it would work. For me it was my pickiness in eating and lack of willingness to try new things which i have started to improve on and am actually alot more adventourous with my food now. Whereas on his end he improved on his communication skills especially when we argue as he tends to shutdown and invalidate my feelings and there have been some improvement in that aspect as i feel like i can communicate more with him. But things just suddenly changed when he said that he doesnt know if he would be happier single and that he does not see a future with me. his reasoning was that he wants to do alot of things in life like skydiving/ travelling the world which he feels im not capable of due to physical capabilities and im just not super adventourous. Moreover he says that he wants kids in the future but im not very keen on it because i dont know if he can be a great dad and if i can be a great mom. and im still young(im 20 he is 23 and we are still both in uni) so i feel like making such big decisions at this age is very hard because our own futures are uncertain. Thus this has led to the series of talks about us breaking up and i also suffer from relationship anxiety too which ive been trying to seek help in but now im on the fence if i want to even try and make it work or just give up. Because i feel like if i give up ill have regrets because i havent tried enough since i havent like tried more adventur stuff like hiking/ snorkelling and i just feel like its so unfair when he never gave me the chance to show that i am capable or at least willing to do those things before he concluded there is no future. but im also afraid of staying because there is no gurantee that if i stay and try that it would be enough or that it can save the relationship and ill only get more hurt in the end. right now we have concluded to stay but the doubts are still haunting me and i just feel so sad and empty i really dont know what to do
Hi @user1208,
Thank you for opening up about what you’re going through. It sounds like you’re facing a really tough situation with your relationship, and your confusion and doubt are completely understandable. Let’s break down what you’ve shared:
Uncertainty and Pressure:
- You’ve been in a relationship for 7 months, and it’s started to fall apart. You’ve had multiple talks about breaking up because of differing interests and goals.
- Your boyfriend recently said he’s not sure if he’d be happier single and doesn’t see a future with you. This has understandably created a lot of uncertainty.
- Making big decisions about the future feels especially hard because you’re both young and still in university.
Anxiety and Fear:
- You’re experiencing relationship anxiety and have been trying to seek help for it.
- The ongoing talks about breaking up have made your anxiety worse and left you unsure whether to keep trying or to end things.
- You’re feeling overwhelmed with the pressure to make such a big decision right now.
Regrets and Fairness:
- You’re afraid that if you give up, you’ll have regrets because you haven’t tried enough, like with adventurous activities.
- You feel it’s unfair that your boyfriend didn’t give you a chance to show you’re capable of being adventurous before concluding there’s no future.
- You’re also scared that staying might not be enough to save the relationship and that you’ll end up more hurt in the end.
- All of this has left you feeling sad and empty, and you really don’t know what to do.
Recognizing Your Strengths
First off, I want to say how impressive it is that you’ve been working hard to improve yourself. Here are some of the strengths you’ve shown:
- Self-Awareness and Willingness to Improve: You’ve recognized areas you wanted to change, like being more adventurous with food, and you’ve actually made progress. That’s huge!
- Effort in Communication: You’ve worked on improving communication with your boyfriend, and you’ve seen improvements on his end too. That effort is really commendable.
- Seeking Help for Anxiety: You’ve been proactive in seeking help for your relationship anxiety, which shows a strong commitment to your mental well-being.
- Reflective Thinking: Your ability to deeply reflect on your relationship, your goals, and your future is a sign of maturity and thoughtfulness.
How Your Strengths Can Help You
- Self-Awareness: This will help you figure out what truly matters to you in a relationship and in life. It’s a great tool for personal growth.
- Willingness to Improve: This strength will help you adapt and grow in various areas of your life, making you more resilient.
- Effort in Communication: Good communication skills are essential in all areas of life. They can help you build strong, healthy relationships.
- Seeking Help: Your proactive approach to seeking help shows your dedication to self-care. This will serve you well as you navigate future challenges.
I wasn’t sure if you had the opportunity to seek counseling, perhaps you can consider it, as, in my opinion, it can be really valuable as you navigate the complexities of adult life:
- Understanding Doubts and Fears: A counselor can help you explore and understand your doubts and fears, giving you clarity.
- Developing Coping Strategies: Counseling can equip you with effective strategies to manage anxiety and stress.
- Improving Relationships: You can learn more about healthy relationship dynamics and how to foster mutual respect and understanding.
- Setting Goals: Counseling can help you set and achieve personal and professional goals.
- Building Confidence: Counseling can help you build confidence in your ability to handle life’s challenges.
Encouragement and Support
It’s really important to acknowledge and validate your feelings – they’re completely natural given what you’re going through. You’ve both put in a lot of effort, but it makes sense that fear and uncertainty are overwhelming you.
Reflecting on what you truly want and need in a relationship might be helpful. Are these differences something you can work through together, or are they fundamental differences that might lead to ongoing conflict?
Managing your relationship anxiety is crucial. Have you considered seeking counseling specifically to explore your doubts and fears? A counselor can provide a space to understand these doubts and how they impact your decision-making.
It’s okay to take your time to think things through. You don’t need to rush a decision. Your well-being is important, and taking care of yourself is a priority. Please continue to share your thoughts and feelings as much as you feel comfortable. You’re not alone in this, and there are people here to support you.
Let me know if it helps? Take care…
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I feel you, this is the same conversation I’ve had with my partner as well. She’s also not super adventurous whereas I had wilder dreams of traveling the world etc. I think it goes down to how open he is to accepting your ideas of a fun and healthy relationship. You’ve said a lot about what future he wants but what about you? Is he open to the future you want to?
On the topic of kids, that’s probably a dealbreaker for me. It’s hard to change anyone’s world view and if he wants kids and you don’t want - it might be hard for either of you to give in. After all, kids are a lifetime commitment.
he said he didnt love me because he didnt see a future with me and i genuinely dont know what to do anymore i feel like my whole world is just crashing down i dont have motivation to try and everytime i think abt trying i just end up grieving the loss of everything i dont even know what to do because what does it even mean to love someone does he genuinely mean that he doesnt love me anymore but then why does he even want to try if he doesnt im just very confused at this point and walking away is so hard ive been trying and i really cant bring myself to do it
It’s completely normal to feel devastated when someone you care about tells you they don’t see a future with you. Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to grieve the loss of the relationship and the future you had hoped for. I, too, would be feeling lost and unsure of what to do next.
Relationships can be incredibly complex, and sometimes people say things that are hard to understand. It sounds like your partner’s statement has left you questioning the meaning of love and their true feelings. Love can mean different things to different people, and sometimes, people can be confused or conflicted about their own feelings. It’s okay to feel confused and to question everything right now.
It’s important to give yourself the space to feel all the emotions that come with conflicts. It is a process, where you will feel sad, angry, confused, or even getting tensed up. These feelings are important and valid for you, as a first step, to know that you need to unwind from the tension.
Distancing from someone you love is incredibly hard, but remember that it’s okay to take things one step at a time. Give yourself some quality time alone and permission to take small steps towards healing. You don’t have to have everything figured out right now and it’s okay to reach out for support whenever you need it.
Finding motivation can be really hard when you’re feeling so down. Try to take small steps each day. Focus on basic self-care like eating well, getting enough sleep, and engaging in activities that usually bring you joy or comfort, even if it’s just a little bit.
I hope this helps a bit. You’re going through a lot, and it’s important to be gentle with yourself during this time. If you want to talk more about what you’re going through, everyone is here for you.
Take care of yourself.