Ever since I graduated poly a few months ago, I’ve been having a lot of on-off depressive episodes for the past few months. It’s nothing too crazy, but I have really negative thoughts about myself and a part of me thinks it’s mainly because of post-graduation depression, seeing everyone move forward in life except for me, and feeling like a burden to my family. I’ve been living such a stagnant life, I applied to quite a number of jobs/internships but I haven’t heard back from them despite applying a week/over a week ago to most of them.
No job = no money and I hate relying on my parents for pocket money because they are already paying for my overseas uni since my pathetic self couldnt get into a uni here. And now i cant even get a job. And i feel like my little sister is starting to look down on me too. Overall, i just feel incredibly pathetic over the past few months– EVEN if i am happy from time to time (though i just feel like they are temporary pleasures- hanging out with friends, etc.)
I haven’t been getting good sleep, my motivation for most things are at an all-time-low, and I feel like I’ve succumed to doomscrolling my days away which i HATE but cant seem to discipline myself properly (another thing i hate about myself), I find it hard to think about my positives which hurts me especially because i used to be a lot more optimistic just a few years ago. But hitting this kind of subtle rock bottom has drained a lot of that optimism from me.
My family and friends tell me that everyone goes through this and I’ll be fine, but I keep thinking it might just be all my fault i’m stuck like this anyway. When i try to be honest with my family, they do try to comfort me but it turns into a lecture instead, saying that i shouldnt be thinking like this, worrying that overseas uni is way too expensive for them to afford, and often times i can tell they get stressed from seeing me stressed and depressed so i’m trying not to reach out to them emotionally anymore. I also don’t really want to burden any of my close friends too much with my negative emotions because they have a lot going on too. Sometimes, my friends would rant to me about how tough uni is here… but honestly, I wish i could tell them truthfully that I don’t really like hearing them because deep down I would rather go through tough uni life with them right now instead of being left behind and floating around aimlessly like plankton, not knowing if i can ever move forward in life, or not even knowing what to do to even move forward.
I even hate how i seem to have recent difficulties with appreciating my own good traits, my own talents… because i keep telling myself that my talents can’t realistically land me a stable job anyway (especially in Singapore) and that i should’ve kept them as a hobby instead of studying/pursuing them. With this whole negative mental slump, I’ve been nitpicking at my appearance more than usual, I’ve been just so insanely unhappy with the kind of person I am. It was easier when I had things like work and school and good company to keep me busy from thinking such things. But my good company has their lives figured out and i dont. So i feel so left behind. I wish someone could actually tell me I will truly be okay and that I’m great on my own because it’s so hard for me to believe it even when i tell this to myself. I’m trying to still be optimistic and hopeful but really it’s getting so so so difficult as the days pass when it feels like nothing is perking up for me. The fact I can still wake up every day is one of the only reasons I feel like I still have a purpose to fulfil in life and that I shouldn’t be giving up just yet. But still, as I said, it’s getting so difficult. I hate how I need so much validation
Anyway yeah, just wanted to put this out there since it’s been gnawing at me for the past couple months and I don’t really have much people I can be honest like this to. Thanks for reading if you did, hope I’ll be able to look up in life again one day
