Hello,
I recently graduated from a diploma course this year. Instead of feeling excited about the graduation, I was unable to feel happiness from it due to anxiety over my future.
For the past 4~5 weeks, I have been sending out resume and job applications to prospective employers(trying to enter a industry not related to my diploma). I have also reached out to various HR staffs to try and boost my chances of getting an interview.
During the interview, I felt my English communication skills have declined as the interviewer would sometimes ask me to repeat myself as they couldnât understand what I said. Not only that, personally when I answer their questions, I found myself speaking in a disorganized manner.
Thus, when they send me a email/WhatsApp telling me I was not chosen for the role, I was afraid to ask why as I do not believe I can positively cope with it if I was rejected due to my poor communication skills.
As I did not want to seem unavailable for employment, I have not been working for the past 4~5 weeks. Most days, I am at home using my computer and scrolling my phone. My sleeping hours has become nocturnal, sleeping at ~4am and waking up in the afternoon.
For the past week, I have been sleeping at ~7am and waking up at ~5pm. I tried to âfixâ this habit by not sleeping at all until the next night. It failed as I would be too tired to do anything during the day, and I would still sleep at ~4am.
Other than using my computer and scrolling my phone, I have been trying to plan other activities such as visiting the night safari and enrolling in a weekly language course. However, this is not enough to fill the entire week as they are mostly a one time/once a week thing.
Volunteering was something I thought to do before, as I had experience volunteering as part of bursary requirements. I would have liked to help out with the same volunteering group again, but I am honestly not motivated to help out after I have fulfilled my bursary requirements. The travel time between my home and the volunteering site is not an issue as I had no trouble attending the volunteering sessions before.
After much self-reflection, I concluded that because there is no reward in it, I do not feel motivated to do it. As a person who has lower social need as compared to others, having the chance to communicate with people is not considered a reward. It is a nice to have, but not enough to move my butt out of my house.
As mentioned above, I have lower social needs. During work, I prefer to eat alone as I would be tired out from being conscious of others. I feel better when I am able to choose a table I want, change seats whenever I feel like it, and I do not need to feel self-pressured about needing to engage in conversation with the other party as it would feel awkward if there was no conversation happening when we are seating together.
During my school days, I would be glued together with my causal friend, eating lunch and going to class together. Lunch felt a bit awkward as I still felt the need to talk, but it was bearable. Outside of school, it is mostly my friend asking me to help them better understand the topics and finishing projects. During holidays, we barely texted each other. We didnât call each other nor meet up.
After walking to classes, chatting and having lunch together(not every day) for 2+ years, there seem to be no deep connection. I only think of them as a causal friend whom I have light and superficial conversation with.
My conversation topics to strangers of similar ages/life stage are âWhat diploma are you fromâ, âDo you intend to go university after graduationâ, âWhat do you learn in your diploma/degreeâ. For strangers with larger age gaps/different life stages, I try to ask them questions based on what I know about them, but 95% of the time I have nothing to say to them other than greeting them and seeking help from them to finish a task.
I have been looking through some psychology Wikipedia(not reliable I know) on whether I am a narcissist or not. Because during conversations, I talk about the topics I want to talk about. I try to talk about them too, but I just canât feel curious enough to care.
Even I am unsure if I want to have close friendships or not. Does close friendship mean I need to hang out with them outside of work, having lunch together, going shopping together, going on trips together? I honestly donât know. There is no definition of âclose friendshipâ I can rely on, and my feelings are so confusing even for me to understand.
I thank you for patiently reading until here. Did not know I have so much things to write about that it feels like an English compo.
All in All, Iâm a fresh dip grad, unable to find a job in the industry due to perceived poor communication skills, and I am lonely because my friendships all feel very casual and I donât talk to my school friend outside of school.