Hi @FuYuan_Affections
As always, thank you for taking the time to reply to my message and for all the thoughtful questions that really got me thinking :'))) Here are some of my answers:
(1) Right now, at this moment, what do you need the most?
To be honest, I just want to be happy. I want to be a good person, I want to be capable, I wan to be praised, and yes, I want to be reassured by others that I’m doing well and that I’m okay. Not feeling competent in my job, coupled with the intense workload, is really making my anxiety peak during work hours. Additionally, I guess I also need rest—real rest—because ever since I started working, my mind hasn’t had a proper break, and it’s taking a huge toll on me (affecting my sleep, eating etc)
Regarding my current internal and external support:
(1) Who, aside from your therapist, has made you feel even a little bit safe or supported?
One of my colleagues, who joined just a few months before me, has made me feel supported. She seems to be struggling with similar challenges, and I rely on her a lot for moral support—to push me to go to work and to remind me that things will be okay. Other than her, I don’t really have anyone besides my therapist… and I guess you now? (Hahaha.) I don’t usually share my problems with others because I feel like my struggles are minor and that the real issue lies in my weak mentality and mindset. Compared to others, my problems are nothing hahhaha.
(2) What habits, no matter how small, have helped you feel even a tiny bit better before?
Journaling, I guess. I write down my thoughts in a notebook, and sometimes it helps. I also scroll through Reddit, and if I see people going through similar issues, I reach out to them. Sometimes, having a chat with someone who understands makes me feel a little better. We also give each other advices and push each other. I guess that kinda helps too.
(3) When was the last time you felt even slightly less burdened—what was different about that moment?
Honestly, I think the last time I felt slightly less burdened was when I first joined the organization around late August 2024. It was different because, although I was making a lot of mistakes, I had the excuse of being new and was allowed to learn from them. Now that I’m approaching six months in, I feel like I still lack the necessary knowledge to do well in my job. I’m still making mistakes and just feel completely useless. Putting work aside, i don’t think in my general life i ever felt “slightly less burdened” because i always feel that i am a burden. Maybe, except when i am travelling i guess.
Regarding medication:
I understand that medication isn’t the best long-term solution. I am also scared of relying on it too much and i also understand that there might be other strategies as well. Since I’ve only had 2–3 sessions with my therapist, I haven’t discussed non-medication strategies yet, but I’ll explore that when I meet her next time. Also, open to hearing from you too on how you cope if you would like to share 
The reason I consider medication is because sometimes things get really tough. When I have panic attacks, or when I have to control my tears and lock myself in my room because of anxiety, it feels like I become a different person. I feel so sorry to my parents because they didn’t raise me up to be like this. The only coping mechanism I use right now is deep breathing from youtube, but it only helps a little. I guess I just want medication to take away all my sadness and overthinking… hahaha… My therapist mentioned that I have passive suicidal thoughts, so i am quite ok for now but I also don’t want it to escalate into anything more.
Regarding staying vs. leaving:
(1) If I stay:
The change I need is for this job to be less tough for me. I need to be able to do my job well, perform better, and contribute to my team without making so many mistakes. I also think the workload is too much for me (for my mental health i guess since i put alot of stress on myself), so it would be helpful if it could be reduced. Lastly, I wish to have supportive team members who could make things more manageable.
(2) If I leave:
The job scope would likely be different, but my anxiety would still be there. I know myself well—I get stressed out easily, and that’s the main reason I’m still holding on to this job. Becos I’m scared that if I quit and move to another job, I’ll end up just as stressed and repeat the same cycle which i know it might be this case. I really don’t know what to do… it’s so tough.
With regards to your guiding question:
“Are you looking for relief from your current work stress, or are you looking for relief from the way you see yourself in this role?”
I will reflect on this more…
And lastly, A small act of kindness to myself:
When I read this question, I actually teared up because I struggled to answer it. Do I even deserve to be kind to myself when I’m such a failure and keep messing things up? But… if I had to choose one small act of kindness, it would be acknowledging that I made it through another day and haven’t given up on myself. I guess like what u said I am lucky to still be here and replying your messages.
Again, thank you for your long message. It really made my night feel a little better and less negative. I truly appreciate it.