This has been on going ever since i was young i suppose. Whenever i see something sweet happening being Father and their child, I just feel tears welling up in my eyes. I cannot pin point the emotion on why i cry at such stupid displays of bonding. But i just cry, even at movie scenes. If a Father shows care and that they do love their child, i find myself pathetic for displaying such a dumb emotion.
It’s not like i crave that type of care from my own father, now that i feel of. But whenever i see such things i have just let the tears spew like an idiot. I don’t want to be such a fool that i cry at mere forms of affection other fathers give their child. My father does care, i assume, but he has said so many words which feel like a thousand knives have been jabbed in to my heart. “You are just a peasant in my household…” blah blah. I’ve heard more stuff like that i could almost be immune, but they still hurt so much that i’d rather be hit than to continue being insulted and kicked down at.
How can i stop being so weak? To stop crying and sulking whenever something bad happens to me? I want to find a way to stop letting pathetic emotions take hold of me during punishments and whenever i see something which are father child related.
Thanks for being so open to share such vulnerable feelings with us. I must say you having such emotions are not a sign of weakness and it is not pathetic. It sounds like you have been through tough experiences with your father and that he can be rather verbally abusive. Feels difficult to endure and I really want to commend your effort in still staying strong.
From your sharing of your relationship with your father, it sounds like he does not make you feel worthy and says words to make you feel bad about yourself. It is normal and natural to develop a certain yearning for a healthier relationship with your father. And it is definitely hurtful when you see others having this desired relationship with their fathers. I think you are really strong having to cope with these intense feelings since young.
I wonder if you have anyone you can trust to talk to, like a family or friends, about your feelings. It must be tough bearing all these feelings on your own and I don’t know how you have been managing all these years. If it helps, I hope you can reach out to people for emotional support and perhaps to gain clarity about how you are feeling.
If you find it challenging to talk to your family or others directly or if you need additional support, you may also consider reaching out to a mental health professional like a counsellor or online platforms. They can provide a safe space for you to explore healthy ways to work around your emotions.
Here are some platforms you can consider:
Singapore Association for Mental Health (SAMH) - 1800-283 7019
I would also like to encourage you to be kinder to yourself when you are struggling with such thoughts about yourself. You are not weak, in fact you are very strong. It takes a lot of courage and resilience to experience what you are going through. I hope you don’t let your father’s words get to you, even though I know it is hard.
You are worthy and you are good enough. Focus more on your strengths and give affirmations to yourself. Be kind to yourself as you process your feelings. Take some time to engage in activities you enjoy or find ways to be good to yourself because you deserve to be treated well.
I hope you find this helpful. Remember you are not alone in this journey and I hope you get to receive the support you need. You’ve come a long way and we are here to support you. Take care!