All right so since primary school till now I haven’t made many friends because I am generally a very quiet person. I don’t understand why my classmates always like to gossip about each other behind their backs and it makes me feel that it’s not a very nice thing to say and also very fake. I’ve been talked about behind my back as well and this made me feel that the people whom I thought were my friends were backstabbing me and it created a lot of trust issues. I’ve also faced a lot of ostracism in class because I don’t really like to talk to people and they will be like oh maybe she just doesn’t really care about us then they will just hang out with each other will leaving me out of the conversation or group. The main reason why I stopped joining the group is because I generally don’t get along well with people and most experiences with classmates are mostly negative even though some are positive. I think I also suffer from social anxiety and insecurity when people are more verbal in expressing themselves whereas I don’t even know who I am and they just think that I am some NPC character that nobody cares about. Ya and also I worry a lot about grades which why I choose not to socialise with my classmates. And I also am a very bad conversation starter I don’t really know how to start a conversation and generally not very interested or curious about others. Which Ieads to them thinking that I don’t like them but it’s just that I don’t want to deal with people who have problems with one another and don’t tell each other face to face and just be like talking about one another without the person realising their mistakes. I faced a lot of personal issues with people who called me names cut my queue want to pick a fight with me just because I am more reserved and quieter than others. They just don’t like me cos I don’t talk to them and it’s just ridiculous.
Hey @lightheartednightingale3500, I appreciate you reaching out and sharing all this here!
It really sounds like you’ve been carrying so much on your own for such a long time, and it makes sense that these things have shaped how you relate to people around you.
I’m also hearing that a lot of your not so good experiences with peers have come from feeling let down…like people you trusted talking about you behind your back, feeling left out and even being targeted just for being quieter than others? That kind of repeated hurt can make it feel much safer to just keep to yourself, and I think that’s a very understandable response…
And hey, you seem to have a really strong sense of your own values! You care about honesty, about people being direct with each other rather than gossiping and all! That’s actually something worth recognising about yourself, even if it has made it harder to connect with those who don’t share those values 
Can I just ask, what do you mean when you say you don’t know who you are? Because from what you’ve shared, it sounds like you actually do know quite a bit about what matters to you and what you won’t tolerate 
I’m wondering if there’s a gap between how you see yourself and what you show the world?
And is there a part of you that does want connection, even if past experiences have made that feel risky?
If you’d like to speak to someone over the phone, you can always reach out to National Mindline 1771, okay? You can call them at 1771/whatsapp them at 66691771. They are available 24/7!
Hey @lightheartednightingale3500,
Thank you for sharing what you have been going through on the platform. From what you’ve mentioned, it sounds like you’re going through a lot with your classmates, from them talking behind your back, ostracism, being called names, cutting your queue and even picking fights with you, all because you’re more reserved and quieter than others. I’m sorry to hear that you had to got through this. It’s understandable you’ll feel insecure or anxious around others, considering that you’ve had so many negative experiences with your classmates. I think anyone in your shoes will feel the same way.
From what you’ve mentioned, I think it’s normal for you to want to keep to yourself after experiencing these negative experiences. Anyone would feel discouraged to reach out after going through what you have. But how they behave towards you isn’t an indication of who you are as a person. I think being quiet and reserved is perfectly fine. I’m like that too! Maybe as of now, you just have not found the friends that’ll accept you for who you are. I only found people I could vibe with and accepted me for who I am in the final year of my secondary school years. I find being comfortable with who you are and being true to your values is more important, and people who share these values will naturally be attracted to you.
So hang in there and stay strong 
And know that we’re here for you too 