Concerns about growing up

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1

Dear Mili,

I’ve been concerned about growing up and growing old(er), even though being old is such a long way off. All I’ve ever known of life is the same so far - just studying and getting into the next stage of life. I’m worried about living as an independent adult, and learning to do all the things adults do. I’m worried about what the future will look like, and whether I’ll have a family or be alone. I’m worried about the many health things that could start to pop up. How do I stop myself from being overwhelmed when it seems there will always be more that I don’t know rather than what I do know?

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Hey OP,

I understand that feeling; I used to be so scared at the thought of growing older and having to be an “adult” or someone who knows what they’re doing, and even at my age now, I’m still so afraid of growing older. The fear then overwhelms you, and all you want to do is just to stop.

I think realising that there will just be things that are not in your control has sort of liberated me from that spiral. There are simply things that we can control, and things that we cannot control. What we can control is our own habits, our daily schedules, what we consume, what we decide to do today. What we cannot control is what the future holds: whether we’ll get sick, we’ll get retrenched, or if we’ll still be alive tomorrow. Those things are not within our hands, and it may sound terrifying. That’s normal, because we seek to have an agency in aspects of our life.

But instead of trying to maximize our life, perhaps it’s best to spend what we can do in the present. If thinking about the future is too overwhelming, then why not just stick to what we know and can do in the moment? Take it step-by-step, little by little. I wish you the best on your journey, OP :heart:

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Hey User422961,

When life has been organised around one clear structure for a long time, it makes sense that the next phase feels overwhelming rather than exciting. Up to now, the task has been quite specific; study, progress, move to the next stage. Adulthood, by contrast, looks undefined, and that lack of structure can feel unsettling.

What I’m hearing isn’t a lack of readiness, but a sense of strain. You sound tired from having to keep moving forward, and when someone is already worn down, the future can start to feel heavy. That’s often when worries spread not just about independence, but about health, relationships, and whether things will work out at all. It becomes a lot to hold at once.

Right now, the part of life that’s most real is still what you named; studying and moving into the next stage. The rest hasn’t arrived yet, even though your mind is trying to prepare for it. Living too far ahead can make it feel as if you’re constantly behind, because there’s no way to fully prepare for things you haven’t lived through yet.

Growing up doesn’t require you to know how to do everything in advance. Most adult skills are learned when the situation shows up; one responsibility at a time, often imperfectly. That’s how people build competence, not by having it all figured out early.

Before trying to work out the future, it might help to slow down and notice what’s actually being asked of you now. When the worries stack up, a gentle check like, “What is mine to deal with today?” can sometimes reduce the sense of being overwhelmed.

Uncertainty here doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It’s part of moving from a very structured phase of life into one that unfolds more gradually. You don’t have to hold the whole picture yet. For now, it’s enough to stay with the next step and let the rest take shape in time.