Controlling parents

Is it normal for one parent to still impose 11pm curfew on their kids who are in their 20s (some close to 30). Imposed restrictions on the number of times they can meet their significant others. And even forcing her son to breakup. Parent’s emotion is explosive and uses fear and threat to control. her children feels like there’s no other choices but to go with her way. How to take steps to handle such situation?

Hi @user1506

I am sorry to hear about what you are experiencing currently at home.
The situation you’ve described is not uncommon.

I fully understand you are faced with restrictive curfews even though you are an adult. There is also control over personal relationships and emotional manipulation through fear and threats.
The home environment is stifling you from self-growth and developing independence. What you have shared is valid and understandable. Please do not be discouraged. Things can get better.
May I recommend for you to :

-Communicate openly: Express feelings and concerns to the parents. Negotiate for what you want and build trust by adhering to the terms agreed. Seek first to understand before being understood, according to Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits. What are your parents worried about? Address those fears to negotiate and gain some freedom.

-Set boundaries: Establish clear limits on parental involvement. Do this slowly, to ease your parents fears and demonstrate you are fully capable of making good decisions.

-Seek support: Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist.

-Develop independence: Gradually take control of life decisions.Gain trust by showing you can make good decisions.

-Consider distance: Establish emotional or physical space if necessary.

The process of gaining independence from parents will take time for adjustment and give and take from both sides. Use your judgement when to assert and when to compromise. Keep at it and there will be improvements eventually.:heart:

Hello @user1506 :wave:t2:! Thank you for sharing your story!

You seem to be in a really difficult and emotionally taxing circumstance. Particularly as an adult, it is very normal to feel confined and irritated when subjected to such severe and stringent regulation.

Although it might be challenging, it is feasible and crucial for your wellbeing to set limits with a parent who uses fear and control. Think about having calm, honest discussions with your parent about how these limitations impact you. To keep the discourse impartial, use “I” words, such as “I feel pressured when…” To progressively increase autonomy, it might be beneficial to start with modest restrictions. Finding safe methods to create independence, even in little ways, might be beneficial if direct interactions aren’t feasible.

As you go through these feelings and try to make decisions that put your needs first, support from friends, mentors, or even professional counselling may be very helpful. You don’t have to do everything all at once, and it’s not easy, but keep in mind that your wants and emotions are important. You should be treated with dignity, have your own space, and be allowed to make your own decisions.

Thank you @CaringBee do you have recommendations for therapists that will be able to help me?

Thank you @potatooo what if parent is someone whom is not open to have such “negotiations”. As things are always going her way all the time

Hey @user1506 That sounds like a really intense and challenging situation, and it’s understandable that it feels difficult to navigate. Although my parents were not as strict as this, but curfew is still quite expected in my 20s (it sucks!). While every family dynamic is unique, it’s common to want more independence at this age, and it’s okay to feel uncomfortable with these restrictions.

Taking steps to handle this could start with setting small, manageable boundaries. For example, calmly and respectfully explaining your need for autonomy can open up communication, though it may not be easy at first. If the parent’s reaction is explosive, keeping boundaries around what you share about your personal life may help create some space (this is what I chose to do while slowly establishing boundaries and showing I can handle myself and know better).

You might also consider gradually building your independence if you feel there’s a safe way to do so. Sometimes I feel the reason they are so restrictive towards their children is because they feel their children are not independent or mature enough, in other words being overly protective. So gradually building independence by reminding them or showing them how independent you are may help! Remember, it’s not selfish or wrong to desire a life where you make choices that feel right for you. Setting boundaries takes courage, especially in this situation, and each step toward autonomy is a step toward a healthier relationship with yourself and, potentially, with your parent.