Done with life

Hangouts Rants
1

So I’m in my final year of studies.. though I’ve been working full time since I don’t have to go back to school anymore but I haven’t graduated. I don’t know if I should go to uni or not when I don’t even like studying and I’m pretty sure I would be suffering like how I’m suffering at my current work. Just high turn over rates because they only hire interns.. there are literally only less than 4 of us here - I had to learn how to use things from interns as there were no full timers.. Honestly I’m tired and I want to leave but I know once I leave I will have nothing, I would probably choose to go kms immediately. Going to uni would put me in debt since I’m on the lower income side (I know can take loans but its a huge risk for me because I don’t want to waste my money)

Not going to uni would put me behind others and I will stay stuck. I’m not inclined to do WSD as I know how tiring it is and I am really bad at studying. I have 0 interest in pursuing anything and the only thing I’m good at is design I guess, but my designs aren’t original. The amount of times I have thoughts about dying and how pessimistic I am about life.. I feel like my life as no purpose. I’m not diagnosed with anything though, never been to a psychiatrist so I won’t assume stuff.

It’s hard to look at myself in a good light, I could list x100 negative things rn but when asked to think of 1 good achievement I have, I can’t think of anything worth talking about. My head hurts so much, health is non-existent and I’m just hanging on life by a thread.

2

Hey OP,

I’m sorry that you’ve been struggling, and it sounds like you’re really burnt out from life.

I can sort of understand, because I was also really struggling financially while I was in uni. Long story short, I had to become the sole breadwinner of the family–but because I was still in uni, I had to use my family’s savings to get by. I had used up all of it, and was borrowing money from friends just to survive until I got my current full-time job. Balancing between my uni responsibilities and surviving with little money was so, so exhausting. Honestly, I have no idea how I survived to this day. I often thought about ending it all, and how easy of a solution it would be.

I think at that time, I was just “procrastinating” on my suicide. I will admit, I’m quite a lazy person. I would procrastinate on things I should do–including wanting to die lol. So, the way I “prolonged” my suicidal desires was just, “ah, would be troublesome to end it…I’ll just continue surviving until I can’t.” To this day, I still have this thought to continue waking up the next day.

That brings me to my next point, which is that if I can wake up the next morning, then I’ve already achieved something big. I’ve come to appreciate being able to live for another day, even as simple as opening my eyes to another morning. I may feel sucky from my depressive episode last night, but I managed to wake up the next day. That’s more than enough for me.

Currently, you’re in university. You’re in your final year, and you’re close to getting that degree. I would suggest that you push through just a little bit more. I know you’re tired, and don’t feel like studying. But once you get that degree, you don’t need to go to uni and study anymore (unless you choose to pursue another study.)

Life is hard, OP. Life may not get better, but perhaps it can be easier–because you’ll grow as a person. Slow and steadily :heart: