ED or not?

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Some context: I am quite insecure about my weight, my mum says I’m overweight and too fat and no one wld want to marry me or smth in the future. My sister calls me a big back (someone who eats a lot, according to Google) and she laughed saying I had a triple chin (which I highly doubt so, but the more I think about it, it gives me thoughts that others may actually view me that way). Sometimes, people on the MRT also give up their seat for me (I think they think I’m pregnant :sob:) , I get so embarrassed by it. I also don’t rlly like eating with others as I don’t want them to see how unhealthy or how much I eat.

Around the start of October, I was going through a bit of stress and as a result I ate really little, my weight dropped. I don’t want to disclose my weight so let the first digit be x.

At first I was X9.7kg, but after that time, it dropped to about X7.6kg. I was so happy, because I was already overweight and I’m slowly progressing to losing weight. Then after the stressful period, I continued not eating sufficient. Additionally, when I would eat something I would just force myself to throw up as it gave me the sense that I was full, despite not eating much. I was also really happy because I lost weight. Then I lost weight until X0.6kg. (which is no longer overweight!) I was so happy even though I know I shouldn’t

This carried on until last week or so. Then recently I’ve been feeling extremely hungry and been eating a lot. It felt like no matter how much I consumed, I would still feel hungry. Because of this, I gained about 3kg in a day. I was so annoyed. I didn’t force myself to throw up as I had a sore throat and didn’t want to make it worse…I then made the impulsive decision to purchase laxatives and consumed 7 pills even though the packaging said to only consume 2. I knew I shouldn’t but I kinda felt desperate to lose the weight. The laxatives kinda worked? I didn’t really lose much weight which is disappointing for me. I also really have this impulsive to consume more laxatives, but I searched up online and there are so many side effects that I’m honestly scared of. What should I do to stop myself, I don’t want myself to ‘abuse drugs’…

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Dear @xeniaa

Thank you for writing in today and sharing what has been going on. I’m very glad you reached out.

Firstly I believe that what you’re going through is concerning. I note that you have been eating very little, feeling happy when the number on the scale drops, even when you know it’s not healthy, sometimes making yourself throw up, taking more laxatives than recommended and feeling the urge to take even more.

The above behaviours indicate to me that your relationship with food and your body has become distressed. I can sense it has been a difficult period for you. I am also concerned you may be harming your body. Your struggle with food is real and it is tough to manage it on your own.

To keep yourself safe I strongly recommend:

a) Make it harder to act on impulses
If you still have laxatives with you, could you:

  • give them to a trusted adult to hold, or

  • put them somewhere out of sight and harder to reach?

b) Eat small, regular meals or snacks

c) When the urge hits (to vomit or take more laxatives)

  • Name it: “I’m having the urge to do to take more laxatives or vomit because I feel panicky about my body.”

  • Remind yourself: “I don’t have to act on this urge.”

  • Do a 10-minute distraction: shower, short walk, text a friend, watch a video, journal, anything that moves your body or mind elsewhere for a bit).You’re not trying to win against the urge forever, just to ride out this wave.

d) speak to your school counsellor or a trusted adult so that it is does not just remain in your head.

e) seek professional help urgently such as from the SGH Eating Disorders Programme (Singapore General Hospital), which is a specialised programme for people with eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating etc.).They have a team: psychiatrists, psychologists, dietitians, social workers, who will care for all aspects of your recovery.

Please know that you are not “too far gone”. I have observed more youth are coming forward with eating-related struggles, and hospitals have seen a rise in cases so you are not alone and recovery is possible. The fact that:

  • you’re worried about “abusing drugs”

  • you searched side effects

  • you reached out here and asked about clinics

all show that there is a part of you that wants to live safely and get better. That part is very, very important, and it deserves support. Please seek help soon.:yellow_heart:

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