Hiii I’ve previously asked for advice on mindline and I want to say that I’m in a much better place than I was two years ago. I’m really grateful for the therapists that give support & insight here. Hope you all are taking care too.
Two years on, and I’m out of JC. Though it was hard, I did finish my exams and make some friends eventually. The only tough part, that’s been getting to me a lot recently, is how I’m progressing from here on out.
I’ve always been reserved, introverted and shy because I was surrounded by toxic classmates that made me afraid of opening up. This behaviour sustained throughout secondary school and still had its remnants in junior college. I’m guarded, difficult to befriend; because I can’t trust anyone. Moreover, to make friends stay, I had a habit of suppressing my emotions, thoughts, and identity, twisting whatever focus of the conversation to them. Telling them that their opinion was always the Right one. And that had an impact on my sense of self and identity. When it came to talking, my mind was always a blank slate, because all that suppression had become normal and I forgot how to think for myself. It left me with horrible anxiety and no one that I could call a true friend.
Friends at JC helped me learn to come up with astute, witty and intellectual opinions/jokes on my own. When I was around them, it did feel like I was constantly growing because of their influence. At some point I even felt confident in having conversations with others (which is something that I’ve struggled with for years).
When JC first ended, I still saw my friends regularly. That meant conversational skills still kept in check, mind thinking, as well as Myself feeling fulfilled or happy because I had friends around who cared for me and who I cared for as well.
But. Everyone got busy with travels, jobs, their lives, and we slowly didn’t have the time to hang out anymore. Since I used to be accustomed to spending time alone, I fell back into my old habits. I became scared and uncomfortable of reaching out to friends, even though they should be “safe people”. My conversational skills turned somewhat worn-out which they can likely tell even if i’m only contacting them over text, since they’re starting to pull back from talking to me now. It’s making me feel horrible because I was actually growing for some good period of time.
I’ve been worried about my motivation too. Since young I’ve struggled with resilience. I love learning new things, I can just never see it through. Recently I realised my interest in choir, art, graphic design, foreign languages, biodiversity, fashion and more. Yet when it came to really sitting down as well as reading up about it I completely give up after a short time. I’m free most of the time right now, so I want to learn as much as I can to become competent and educated.
This is linked somewhat to socialising as well. If I don’t know enough general knowledge, I find it hard to converse or share things with people or appear smart. I found that there’s a lot of world news that we need to know nowadays in order to be admired or adored by our peers. It’s made me stressed and sad that the themes I’m supposed to love as well as enjoy learning about become texts that are overwhelming to even begin reading. I end up doing nothing most days and I feel my head returning to that unhealthy blank slate.
Applying for jobs has not been easy either. Everyone I know has been employed since early January, and I’ve applied for countless jobs as well as gone for two interviews with nothing. It’s february and A-Level results are being released soon, with Scholarship and University admission interviews coming up. What am I going to tell the interviewer without any work at all during this period? That I signed up and waited all day long anxiously but no one accepted me? I didn’t necessary do well for junior college either, barely making it by with grades and since I was so focused on studying, not much co-curricular records.
All in all it just feels like I’m not sizing up to what it takes to be 19. Everyone is progressing and doing just fine. Yet here I am, wallowing around thinking about how many opportunities I’ve lost over the years. I recognise how detrimental this is, but because of that overwhelming stress, I end up doing nothing, lazing around, and just avoiding starting anything in the first place. My perfectionism is killing me (metaphorically).
