have I held it in for too long?

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To start off, let me share a bit about the past 2 years which I spent in JC. stroke of the luck scenario…. did pretty well for o levels and got into a top tier JC. For a period of time, I was confident that I could be like everyone else there, that I was just as capable. That was not until I burnt out severely in the first few weeks of school. I saw the school counsellor and everything; thought life was going well and I was recovering. In actual fact, I never had time to recover and I continued burning out for the next 2 years. My grades got worse and I had no energy to stay motivated and continue to work hard. My emotions were masked and I literally lived a very happy life i.e. didn’t study much/care much about grades, as a defense mechanism. No matter how hard I tried, everyone else would still beat me with lesser studying and those big brains of theirs, so what was the point?

Now that JC has ended, I started to reflect on my journey after being more rested… and somehow it is hitting really hard now. I feel extremely inferior and stressed hearing about how my friends all got early admissions/are going to Oxford, Yale etc… To some extent I regret not studying harder, but I know that at that point of time if I did, I would have driven myself into depression. It hurts hearing that people are going to these amazing places while I am here getting anxiety attacks over a levels results (I screwed up some subjects and things are basically over for me, considering that I want to go to a rather competitive course).

I know that comparison is the thief of joy, but I can’t help comparing myself to others. How they are fighting over who takes lesser time to study to get that A. How they put in effort and they get what they want + its good stuff, while I have to slog my days off and not get anything. How I have to mature faster than others and deal with the guilt of not trying harder while accepting that I was just not as capable. Sometimes I get really angry at life. People may say: hey look at you living such an amazing life, but it is truly amazing when you have to deal with such deep thoughts that eat you alive?

I have lost all self confidence… I think that needs some help. I don’t even dare to apply for internships etc just because I know there is always a student out there who is way better than me now that I have experienced what its like to work with the best of the best.

I apologize if I sound like I live in a bubble and I am super shallow, but I needed to get it out. After all, everyone’s journey is different and I hope someone can resonate and understand my point of view. I have never told anyone this full story before… may you find some solace in reading it if you are going through the same thing

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Dear @maythingsgetbetter

Thank you for bringing up what you are going through. I am quite certain that many of us find what you experienced highly relatable. You are not alone in this.

I believe that what you went through in JC was long-term burnout. You burned out early, never truly got the chance to recover, and you kept afloat by protecting yourself by actions such as detaching from grades. I agree that had you pushed yourself harder it could have deeply affected your mental health.

I can also sense the regret you are feeling now. It’s only human and common to compare ourselves with others and feel regret when we assess others are doing better.

May I gently offer a reframe. Everyone is running their own race. Others may run faster and we may run slower and understandably, we may feel not good enough. However, we may be running slower or taking a longer route so comparing will not provide a complete picture.

With consistency and purpose, we, too will reach our desired destination. Along the way, we will discover our unique strengths, and develop our abilities. I have seen it pan out in my own life and in the lives of people I work with. No two paths to success are the same, so take your time.

Burnout also erodes confidence, which is why applying for internships or imagining the future feels terrifying now. That’s something that can be rebuilt, slowly, with support.

May I recommend speaking to your school’s Education and career guidance officer to dialogue on study options and education pathways available. I think also speaking to a counsellor or therapist now could really help you rebuild self-trust and stop measuring your worth against others.

Your journey isn’t over, it’s just taking a different, gentler path. And that’s okay. Run your own race at your own pace.

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Thank you for your kind words. Someone once told me (before I got my o level results) that if you don’t do well, maybe it isn’t because you have failed the system, but that the system has failed you. Thanks for shinning some more light on that. I guess it’s not easy to accept what is going on and I indeed am feeling very lost now, but I hope one day I can take your words in completely and continue telling this story of mine as a source of inspiration instead of a burden.

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