Help fighting my inner demons

Ask a Therapist Seeking Help
,
1

I have spent longs months away from school, fighting my own personal demons. Only recently have I realized how daunting and convoluted this introspective journey is and I need some help! Unbeknownst to me, I realized my biggest demon was complacency lurking in my student life all along. It is as though a mountain of success is met with failure of equal magnitude every time. It hurts me really bad to receive high praise and follow suit with such demeaning words :sob:.

I could not define or characterize these deep-seated feelings before, and I am scared! Am I taking steps in the right direction? Am I digging myself a bigger hole? what’s going on? :confounded: For the longest while I mistook it for being a different kind of laziness. Not knowing that one deals with lack of motivation, the other deals with the lack of effort correspondingly. I feel as though I keep subjecting myself to not being able to find out how great I could’ve been (feeling like I let down many people who proclaim and invested in me for being someone of ‘high potential’). I keep hanging my progress after feeling satisfied to some extent and I must live with that my whole life. Despite seeing some tangible steps that I took to understand myself better.

I am utterly torn with what’s Infront of me now, unsure of where to place my next footing. I am scared, I am confused but I am excited. Any advice would mean the world to me right now thank you! :pray:

1 Like
2

Hi @IcecreamWaffle thanks for sharing! I get the sense that you might be bouncing back and forth between wanting to live up to expectations (both from yourself and from others), and your own feelings of ‘motivation’ or ‘effort’.

Something that helps me in these moments is to take a step back and ask myself, who am I doing this for? Having to constantly feel like you’re letting down other people is an exhausting position to be in.

Asking yourself questions like why is this important to me? could help you clarify your own motivations and values in your approach to what you do.

Do let us know if you have any thoughts!

3

Hi @icecreamwaffle,

Thanks for sharing your journey. I can hear that you’ve been dealing with a lot, and it’s very courageous of you to reach out. Let’s unpack what’s going on and see how we can navigate this together.

Just making sure that I understood where you are coming from,

You’ve spent a long time away from school dealing with personal issues and doing a lot of introspection. Realizing that complacency has been a significant issue is a powerful insight, and when you compare it to laziness, it seems that you compelled to reprimand yourself and not see it as an opportunity for growth once acknowledged.

It is emotionally taxing and perplexing to feel hurt by the cycle of high praise and harsh criticism. Struggling to define and understand deep-seated feelings, along with the fear and uncertainty about whether our current actions are beneficial, is natural during self-discovery. And it makes unable to recognize our achievements and learning from feedback can help balance these feelings.

Feeling like you’ve let down people who believed in your potential can be a heavy burden. Personal growth and success aren’t linear. Everyone has setbacks and moments of self-doubt.

Your mixed feelings of fear, confusion, and excitement about the future are completely normal. It’s okay to feel torn and unsure about your next steps as you have indicated how you should respond and move forward from these moments.

You appear to have done a lot actually, so there is only one suggestion that might help:

Be kind to yourself. … Recognize that you’re doing your best and that mistakes and setbacks are part of the learning process.

@IcecreamWaffle, If I may ask, can I get a clearer picture of how these feelings and reflections are impacting you, could you share a bit more about your daily experiences? Here are a few questions that might help us understand better:

  • Have these thoughts and feelings made it difficult for you to manage your daily activities? For example, are they affecting your sleep, appetite, or ability to focus?

  • Do you find that these reflections make it harder for you to make decisions or take action? Do you feel stuck or paralyzed when trying to move forward with your plans or goals?

  • Have you noticed significant distress or impairment in areas of your life because of these concerns? For instance, is your emotional turmoil interfering with your relationships, schoolwork, or other important aspects of your life?

We are concerned for your mental health and well-being, your insights on these questions can help us determine how advices from the community can help you as well… Understanding this can guide us in finding the right support and strategies for you.

You’re not alone in this journey, and it’s great to hear that you are seeking help here. Remember, personal growth is a continuous process, and it’s okay to take things one step at a time. We’re here to support you every step of the way.

Take care, and keep moving forward. You’ve got this!

2 Likes
4

Thank you for taking the time to type and being so empathetic and breaking it down!

  • Feels as though I have been caught in a whirlwind of unbridled thoughts. Despite me not forcing upon it, they just shift my mind away and makes me exhausted from everything else. Starting when I realized something was wrong till now, my mental and physical well-being as definitely taken a toll. Somehow it just halted and derailed most previous activities I previously enjoyed doing.
  • I collect my thoughts on my google notes, every few times a day opening a new note and jotting whatever pops in my mind. Sometimes I let it sit but it clouds my mind to the point where I feel the day feels left with 4 hours than 24hours.
  • Since then I’ve been less outgoing and closed off in which made me lose many friends that perhaps realized i was no longer who i was prior. During this period there were also major dips in my academics. I volunteer a whole bunch but since this, I’ve thought to myself if I can’t help myself, I am not in the right position to help others. Carrying this thought made me drop out of many things I was involved in.

On the contrary I feel excited to be on this path despite external pressure thats engrained in our society and by people around me. I am grateful that this is hitting me hard now rather than biting me back when im in my 40s. But maybe because of my own naivety and inexperience this roadblock feel colossal.

1 Like
5

Thank you for writing in, I really appreciate your thoughts! I used to want ‘to live up to expectations to myself/others’ but rather I have since moved into ‘how do I make others and myself feel less disappointed with myself’. To me, I recognized it as self growth and piecing myself back together whole again. I have yet to forget this proposition since I started this journey thankfully.

I am lucky and grateful to have assessments of myself, through that I get the bigger picture of what I am good or bad in, however I still can’t wrangle with a monster I recently discovered which resides at its core. For others it may be different forms of insecurity or trauma or multiple. But for myself it is complacency, the state of self-satisfaction and contentment with the current situation that follows after by a lack of motivation.

6

Hi @icecreamwaffle,

I should thank you! In fact, you are very thoughtful, and I really appreciate your openness and the insights you’ve shared. After going through a whirlwind, it’s no wonder you’re feeling exhausted.

From what you’ve described, it’s clear that these thoughts have significantly impacted your mental and physical well-being. It’s important to recognize how much this has derailed activities you previously enjoyed and affected your daily life. The fact that you jot down your thoughts in Google notes shows a proactive approach to managing your mental state, even if it feels overwhelming at times.

Your mention of becoming less outgoing and losing friends highlights how these struggles have affected your social life. It’s tough when we feel like we’re no longer the person we used to be, and I can see how that would make you withdraw from social activities and volunteering. It’s understandable to feel like you need to help yourself before you can help others.

I also see a spark of excitement and gratitude in your journey, despite the external pressures. It’s wonderful that you view this period as a chance to grow now rather than facing these issues later in life. Your shift from trying to meet expectations to focusing on self-growth is a positive and healthy mindset.

It’s great to hear that you’re able to assess yourself and see the bigger picture of your strengths and weaknesses. Recognizing complacency as a core issue is a significant step forward. Complacency, as you described, can lead to a lack of motivation, but acknowledging it means you’re aware of it and already on the path to overcoming it. In fact, may I share a different perspective to this? I see complacency as a holding space for you to take a break from all the hurt and disappointment that you have felt.

Let’s continue to build on this self-awareness and work towards your goals. Here are a few more steps that will help us get back on track:

1. Reflect on Your Accomplishments: Keep noting down your achievements and reflecting on them regularly. This can boost your confidence and help you see the progress you’re making.
2. Set for Yourself Small, Achievable Goals: Break down your goals into smaller steps to make them more manageable. This can help you feel less overwhelmed and more in control.
3. Continue to Seek Support: Consider talking to a counselor or mentor who can provide guidance and support. Sometimes, having someone to talk to can make a big difference.
4. Remember to Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself and recognize that you’re doing your best. Mistakes and setbacks are part of the learning process.
5. Continue to reconnect: with friends or family members you trust. Having a support network can help you feel less isolated and more supported.

While the future can seem uncertain, that doesn’t mean the uncertainty of the future should detract from our ability to believe in ourselves and our actions. Every small step we take daily is a step towards faith in ourselves. Embracing this mindset can help us build resilience and maintain motivation, which is a strength that we call our own and that is our credit, not luck.

We are here for you, and we’re all here to support you on this journey. Remember, it’s okay to take things one step at a time. You’ve got this, icecreamwaffle!

1 Like