in kindergarten, i was loud , assertive amd fun, in primaru svjn i toned down abiy for god knows what rwason, then i met a fg and got influenced to use social media, i used to get good grades but it kinda goes downhill from there, nearing my exams in elementary sch, smth happened and i started to be obsessed woth grades, and immersed myself in it, dictatinf my self worth , almost like i wanted to hide my pain and live vicaroously through my grades. in seckndary wch, i wnated to start anew, but for slmw reason i started to sabotage mhself even more, i started to "dumb " down myself and intentionally made myswlf more anxious, and told myself it waa punishment for what i did to people. i then proceeded to make my life a living hell, and i got used to sabotage . then i got pulled into spirituality, and got into toxic aelf improvwmwnt culture, it really downed on my self esteem. i lost my friemds, pushed evrryone away. at that point, i ddont recognise myself. i no longer had a common group o could relatw with. i waa floating arpund frok identity to identity. i stumbled upon mental health amd held onto it tightky. but in somw momemts, a realisation wuld hit mw. i dont want my lifw togo up in flames. i tried. o tried lreally hard to become better. my health qorsened, i got more fatigued everyday, my appwrancw was messy, and i was lost. i tried to pounce myself on anything that would make mw feel. then, i fpund sadmess. i demtified witb it so much, and for the next few months, in amd out i swayed between sadness, irritance , and hazy days. hazy days made me feel like i no longer felt qnything, no amxoety nothi v. but whwn i go out and realisw how much of a loner i am, i start to regret the things i did and spiral. then i again realisw , this is not the life i want. so i numb myself, i eat amd eat to fill the hole inmy chest, i hqze between days, without any awaremess of whats gling on, i get addocted to that feeling. i stumble upom a perapn qith warmth, gwt obsessed sad, amd the ccle repeats. now , im just kinda stuck here, i want to move on ? score well ams have a good life, but it seems like so.wthings missing, amd thw regret and self pity is tugging on my heart. im lost, im tired, but mostly, i resent my actions, i start to be dissapointed in myself.what do i do? do i still have a chamce at living life?but even as i write this msg, i feel like im fine, but when i do get back to life, i cant do it i want to run away and dream.
Thanks so much for sharing your story 
every step of the way, every challenge you met, you took control and adjusted yourself to make things work. Though it may feel like much things happened to you rather than because of yourself, yet I have a feeling you subconsciously made all the decisions for the steps you took. Some good, some maybe not so good, but you’re learning and that’s what we do as humans 
you wonder if you have a chance still to start living life - i absolutely think you do!!! It’s cheesy and cliche but every day is a new day and you have full control over your mentality at every point in time!!!
What would life look like if you start living it the way you want? 
Hey @user6093
Thank you for sharing this on this platform, it takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable and share these difficult feelings on this platform. And before I start, I want to also commend you for pushing through each day despite how challenging it feels. 
I think it’s great that you’re aware of what you’re feeling right now, even if you do not know the root of it. Whatever you’re going through right now does not define who you are. Everyone has their own challenges and difficulties, it’s part of being human! Be kind to yourself when life seems tough, and give yourself time to rest if it gets tiring 
For your the feelings that you have that may be difficult and frustrating to understand, do you think you’ll feel better if you share this with your family members? If not, would you consider seeking professional help for it?
Also know that you’re not alone in this, and we’re here for you too 